The Boys

My biggest concern right now is the boys. When this all "broke" in our family last weekend, there was an immediate sort of solidarity that formed between them; different from the one they've always had where no one ever tells how windows get broken, who took the DVD player upstairs, or why and how there's a little mess of burned matches and a wax mess on the table in the family room. This was different. This was a "we want to remain brothers" sort of solidarity. Fortunately, #1 has been home a lot lately and he was there to listen to their initial concerns and provide them with some hope and comfort concerning the future of the family. #1 called me shortly after #2 and #3 had been given the news by Tdub. The conversation I had with him went like this:

#1: Mom.
Me: Yeah?
#1: I just told #2 and #3 that we would always be brothers and that I knew you would always be their mom.
Me: So, they told you? What did they say?
#1: They were just worried that they wouldn't see us anymore, that you wouldn't be able to be their mom and we wouldn't all be together anymore.
Me: What did you say to them?
#1: I told them that I KNOW my mom, and that you will get them on weekends or any other time they want to come over and we could still be together.
Me: Thanks for saying that. You're right. I'll talk to them about it too.

#2 is 15. He's the one I'm most concerned about. It's such a volatile age anyway, and then, to have such a major life-change coupled with this revelation about his dad. We are getting counseling for both of them. And Tdub has verbally committed to continuing his own counseling as he navigates this new path.

The sweetest memory occurred last Friday afternoon. I stopped at the house to talk with #2 alone. Tdub had shared with me in a late night conversation on Thursday that it was, indeed, over. It was important for me to talk with the boys separately and make sure they heard from me that I was in NO way abandoning them or have any intention of leaving them. I had the talk with #2 and it went really well. We both teared up a bit, but it went well in that I felt certain he heard and understood how much I love and care for him/them.

I went to our bedroom to pick up a few more things (#4 and I are staying with friends.....the house is too painful for me....it screams "US") As I came back out and was passing through the family room #2 stood up. He looked me right in the eye, and, with a bit of a crack in his voice said, "Mom, if you ever need anything, you know you can just call me." I have never been more proud to be his mother than at that moment.

love,
grace

View Current Blog

Tdub

I talked with Tdub tonight, in person. It was good. (at least that was my perception of things...you tend to doubt all your perceptions when something like this happens)
He'd been telling me that he'd written something he'd like to read to me and we had that opportunity tonight. I'm going to make an effort to express where he's coming from based on what he read to me tonight. It's important for me to process it, and I think it's an important peice of the giant puzzle that is gay, ex-gay, wanted vs. unwanted attractions.

I want to emphasize, first, that when I look at Tdub I don't feel anything but love. I consciously choose to look at him as I believe Jesus would. I WILL myself to extend grace to him even if he deserves judgement. I can't help but love and ache for him when I see him this way. He doubts God's love. He loathes himself. Hurting me and hurting our family is, in his mind, a matter of self-preservation at this point. I don't agree with his reasoning, and yet, I understand that it's the best he is able to do at this given moment.

In listening to his "treatise" as he called it, I heard one thing very plainly. He believed that marriage to me was part of the answer to his dilemma. He went into the marriage hoping that by marrying the "embodiment of God in a female" (or something like that, as he put it) healing would find him or he would find "it".

This never works. NEVER. If you are a same sex attracted guy who wants to get married and have a family....please KNOW this. NO WOMAN, no matter how wonderful she may be (heck, look at me!! hahahaha!!!) can help you.

This really is a journey one must make alone.....even if you're married. It can be done. I still don't doubt that. I see and know of specific things that were not acted upon. I know of more that could have been done had the heart been in the right place to do it. And yet, I understand and I'm sympathetic towards Tdub in that he is weary. I'm not going to stand in judgement of him. God will take care of that, in His time, in His way. And I pray for mercy for Tdub. I really do.

love,
grace



View Current Blog

Church

I didn't go to church this morning. Didn't go last week either. This thing all started last Friday night with an all night conversation. There's been no fighting, no yelling, stomping, screaming.....and no begging and pleading either. I'm pretty sure that sort of thing doesn't work. ;)

I'm going to write about it as I can.....and just so you know, your comments are a great comfort to me. I didn't respond to any of them in the last post as I normally do, and I may not for a while. But please know that I need that and it's one thing you can do that directly blesses me and reminds me, in a very tangible way, that God loves me and cares for me. God's love resides in the skin of real people who minister that love to one another tangibly. So, I'm thanking you all right now for doing that.

God loves Tdub as well. I recognize that a HUGE part of my heartbreak is the very heart of God breaking for him. In fact, I can testify to anyone reading here....God absolutely adores you and cherishes you and wants nothing more than to be in relationship with you. Most of you know this.....but I'm telling you, I don't think any of us truly understand or comprehend the depth and breadth of His great love. It is over-whelming, to put it midly.

That's all I've got for right now.

I'll write more as I can.

love,
grace

View Current Blog

It's Over

Tdub is leaving. He's giving up the struggle with unwanted attractions and coming out as gay. The most difficult thing to observe is the crisis of faith he's experiencing. It's very sad to me.

I will always love and care about Tdub. I love Him with the love of the Lord....and one day, it won't hurt like it does right now. I'm convinced that God is in the bad things as well as the good. And so, come what may, I carry on.

I'm not sure what direction the blog will go since I'm unsure of my direction at the moment. I hope you'll keep reading and praying for me as I work my way through it.

love,
grace



View Current Blog

A Woeful Tale

I've had a suggestion from Tin Man (a friend of mine) to blog about my laptop being on the fritz. I'd mentioned this briefly in a post a few days ago. So, in an effort to inject some lightheartedness into my world, I will do just that. Now, for your reading pleasure, is the tale of extreme stupidity....and it's all true.

The Laptop

(a tragedy)

Once upon a time, fair maiden Grace sat down at her computer, as she was oft apt to do. Upon supplying her maidenly password in an effort to check her maidenly email, she discovered that the maidenly "z" key was quite sticky. "Alas," she said to herself, "my z key seems to be sticking." Undaunted and determined, fair Grace proceeded to investigate the stickiness of the key. After much fiddling and fumbling with said key, fair Grace became more and more disturbed and challenged until the very existence of said "z" key was almost more than one as fair as she could bear. In what can only be described as the sort of determination generally attributed to triatheletes, Civil War heroes, or vacuum cleaner salespersons, our perky little heroin popped the "z" key completely free of it's once secure position on the keyboard. "Oopsy," Grace exclaimed. And then, gasping at the sight, "Ewwww!" For there, atop and around the soft rubbery nodule protruding now in the place where the "z" key once was, appeared a pea-sized dust bunny. Being a maiden as fair as she, Grace was quite appalled at the width and breadth of the dust bunny. She could quite easily grasp it between finger and thumb, remove it, and dispose of it. And that she did, quite to her pleasure. Cleanliness is, after all, next to Godliness; or so it's been said. Having never expected such a sight upon removal of the key, fair Grace was naturally curious as to what might lie beneath the other keys. And so, with wreckless abandonment, like a tornado in a trailer park, Grace proceeded to pop other keys from their positions. Finding and disposing of one dust bunny after another. Grace was approximately 14 keys into her cleaning frenzy when suddenly, and without warning, her sense of reason and sanity returned as clearly as if a voice had spoken aloud, "what about putting the keys back ON?" Grace immediately changed her course of action from popping off to popping on, finding the latter to be somewhat trickier than the former. When all was said and done, our poor defeated Grace had rightfully returned 4 keys to their proper positions, 1 key to an improper position, and had 9 keys left homeless; the tiny metal pieces they should clip to having been snapped completely away in her foiled attempts at returning them to their home. And, the "z" key, or rather, the rubber nub that was once a "z" key, was STILL sticking!

The moral of the story: Don't ever take the keys off your laptop, no matter how big, fat, furry, and disgusting the dust bunnies may seem!

Hopefully, my laptop will return soon. It's at technology and I'm pretty sure they're in no hurry to return it to me. *big sigh*

Keep praying for me!

love,

grace

View Current Blog

I Hurt

Deep, intense, and prolonged pain has placed me in a state that I can only describe as surreal. I wake up to each day, not really in it. My first thoughts are, "this is really happening, I'm living this, or is it living me?" I can't tell.

I'm certain of God. I'm certain of all the things I've always been certain of. I am not afraid of the future because God has redeemed my past.

And yet, I hurt.

grace

View Current Blog

Pain

I had my best 4-year old friend with me in the car for a bit yesterday. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment and it was obvious to her. As we drove along, her lilting voice peeped up from the back seat said, "Ms. P, God can see right through your skin."
*****

Psalm 34

I will extol the Lord at all times,

his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

*****

God is so awesome. And He can see right through my skin.

grace

View Current Blog

I'm Tired....Read This Email

Today was my first official day back to school. The kids don't start until next Tuesday but I'm wiped OUT! ha! Because of my wiped-out-ed-ness along with a little computer problem which is a story unto itself that I won't share now (my laptop is on the fritz so I'm having to use the one the boys use...and run them off of it to use it)....I'm going to share an email for a post today.

Someone unknown to me sent me this article, "When the Beard Is Too Painful to Remove", from the NY Times and wanted me to give them my opinion of it. Specifically, they wanted to know if I thought it was accurate and fair. And so, I'll share my response to them with you and then my post will be done for today! It's a win, win. Even if you don't read the article, this reply will probably make sense to you.

love,
grace

Dear XXX,

I assume it's accurate, and......uh...as for fair....well, there's not much "fair" about anything that's as messy as this stuff in life. I know you are talking about an article and wondering whether or not I perceive it to be fair....but, the reality is, that my own bias predicts not only my attitude about it's being fair but the attitude of the person who wrote it. I don't think much of journalism is actually "fair"....but I've come to expect that about it. If I wrote a similar article, it could be highly accurate, and more or less fair, because I'd be writing it. Does that make sense?

These situations are so removed from the one my husband and I share that it's almost like comparing apples to oranges. The biggest difference is the worldview. My husband and I share a worldview that is defined by shared religious beliefs. We have managed, only because of those shared beliefs, to rebuild a relationship of trust.

This article doesn't describe anything like that, but I assume it's accurate in describing what is going on in these situations. I do agree, and told my husband this from the beginning, that if a husband wants to seek same sex relationships, at any level that is sexual, he needs to divorce the wife and move on. In one of the stories in the article the man described his wife as his best friend and then it went on to say that he had relations with men that he'd kept secret from her. His definition of a best friend is very different, apparently, from mine or my husband's.

Does this response even begin to answer your questions about my opinion? I don't really have anything bad to say about these folks....they are big people and can decide for themselves what works best for them. The sort of thing described in these articles wouldn't work for us at all.

love,
grace



View Current Blog

New Blogger

Our friend Jay just started a blog. He's a guy who struggles with unwanted attractions but mostly he's just a really sweet and SMART friend we've made here online. Check it out. I'll add him to my links on the side.

grace

View Current Blog

Happy Birthday #3

#3 is 13 years old today. This means that in another 8 months Tdub and I will be residing with 4 "official" teenagers. Heaven help us!

#3 is probably the child of the 4 who gets the least "air time" from me. It's not because he's a problem, it's really quite the opposite. He is the child who is, overall, the easiest to communicate with and manage. He has a heart of pure gold and tends to take things very literally. He's the one who gets the virus in your computer because he was just CERTAIN he was going to get a free DVD player after jumping and clicking through all the necessary hoops. He's a tad trusting, as well.

This baby's momma left Tdub when he was only 18 mos. old. Tdub tells the funniest story about potty training him. He says he held him tightly, looked him square in the face, and said "(H), YOU HAVE TO DO THIS." And it worked. He was potty-trained at 18 mos. old. That's pretty early for a boy. I'm certain this kid would do just about whatever Tdub asked when it gets right down to it. He's a "daddy's boy" in the sweetest sense of the word.

One of the other attributes of #3 that makes him so awesome is his love for #4. You know a bit about #4 if you've read here much. He's our "baby", the OCD, more sensitive and downright moody child of the bunch. Very difficult to deal with at times. And yet, #3 seems to have the patience of Job at times with #4. #3 absolutely loves him(#4) in spite of how ruthless and mean he can be. #3 is such a blessing in so many ways to #4 and it's my prayer that as they grow to adulthood this will become apparent and their relationship will deepen.

#3 is a great athlete. He's not just good at sports, he is motivated to do whatever it takes to get better. He's the one who got up at 5:30, any day that Tdub would take him, to go to the health club and work out during the last school year. We were shocked in the beginning, and I still wonder how much of the motivation is toward sports and how much is his desire to please Tdub or even just spend time with him. Either way, it's not typical behavior for a 12 yr. old and it's admirable.

He's just a really neat kid.....uh.....wait.....teenager.

Happy Birthday to #3! I thank God inside every time I hear you call out "Mom" to me.

grace


View Current Blog

Fantastic Book

I just finished reading "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. If you're looking for a great read, the sort of novel that makes you long to get back to it and then keeps you up WAY longer at night than you intended, this is it. Here's a quote near the end that leaped out to me. (oh, and I'm still sniffling after having finished it about 15 minutes ago)

"Closing Sohrab's door, I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

It's a powerful story.

grace

View Current Blog

End of Summer Addiction

For those of you who haven't read everything I've written here, I'll remind everyone that we don't have television in our home. Mind you, we have a TV, several actually, but we have no cable with which to view actual shows on the televisions. The boys do have video games and, seeing as Tdub is a complete movie fanatic, we do own, rent, and watch lots of movies. We've continued to find more reasons NOT to subscribe to cable TV than reasons to go ahead and do it. We think it's been good for our family. I won't preach about it. And I'll even add that our children are certainly no less "wordly" acting than other children. (as if this were a concern) I'm just saying that it's not as if we're Amish and our children go around wearing knickers, button-up white shirts, and bow ties. Far from it. I can't imagine how much more "worldly" our children could look, or at times act, if we DID have television. Scary thought. I'll just leave it at that and move on.

For the second summer in a row Tdub and I have become semi-addicted to a television show that's out in DVD format. Last year it was "Arrested Development". We went on a two week "Arrested Development" frenzy toward the end of the summer and had the best time with it. We'd watch show after show, staying up way past Tdub's bedtime, even repeating some of them just to catch various nuances that we'd possibly missed before. We laughed and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed that show. The DVD versions are also nice because you can watch mounds of shows with no commercial interruptions and no waiting an entire week for another show to play. Why take away small bits of valuable time (which you could use for surfing the internet) once a week during the regular TV season when you can blow an entire two weeks worth of nights in one fell swoop at the end of summer? At least that's our philosophy.

This summer our addiction has become "Lost". We are two discs away from viewing the entire first season. Two discs that we have a "date" to begin watching around 9 o'clock this evening. I can't wait! This show is about the stupidest thing I've ever seen and I LOVE IT!!!!! :P They keep bringing in all these different weird events and leaving us hanging, way out on a limb at the end of each episode. It's insane. But we can't seem to get enough of it. I honestly don't think I'd be able to get into a show like this on a weekly basis. I'd be way to frustrated by some of the stupidity of it. But, watching it in great chunks on a DVD is highly entertaining to both of us.

DO NOT SPOIL anything for us if you watch it and are going to comment. Although, I'm much more inclined to enjoy spoilers than Tdub. ;) He gets so mad at me when I go online and find info. about the show. He's also one of those who refuses to open ANY presents until Christmas morning. We're so different that way. If you watch it, do comment and let us know what you think.

grace

View Current Blog

Tdub on the Goatneck

Here is a link to Tdub, the bike riding stud. I love that guy!

grace

View Current Blog

Great Weekend

Tdub and I had a great weekend. It was one of the last weekends of summer as it's all coming to a speedy end. Tdub is usually quite anxious for the start of school so that the rest of the house will get back to a normal bedtime routine.

The highlight of our weekend was the Goatneck bicycle ride. Tdub and a friend did the 41 mile route (there was also a 100K). I was SO proud of him! I found a picture of him that I'll link to if I get his permission when he gets home later. It was exciting to be at the finish line and cheer him on as he made his way across. We've been looking for an activity we'd enjoy together and we both think this would be a good one. I'm not anticipating doing a 41 mile ride to start, but, there was a shorter 27 mile route I could have taken if I'd been ready. The 41 pushed Tdub really hard but he made it in fine shape with only a bit of soreness to show for it.

After the ride, several friends joined us at our house for an evening of food, drink, and lots of laughter. We were all reminded, yet again, how small our big world can be as we found all sorts of common friends and connections among the group we had gathered together. Sometimes I sense that God works in themes, or maybe I just relate to Him that way, and the theme of our life for the past several months has been COMMUNITY. We have been blown away by the blessing that God provides and continues to provide through the bonds we share and continue to build with our brothers and sisters in Him. We are not meant to journey in isolation but, in the Spirit, ministering grace, love, admonition, and hope to one another as we go along.

It seems to me that the very popularity of blogs and online communities are a testament to this sort of God-infused drive we have to operate within that sort of framework. It's something worth thinking about.

love,
grace

View Current Blog

Salvation Revisited (briefly)

If you read here much you know that I can't stand boiling Christianity down to heaven and hell. But....I was thinking about this question that a friend of mine asked me a while back.

"So, do you think gays will go to heaven?"

My answer was and still is....

"I hope so."

I can only be certain of my own salvation, and love others as I rely on Christ to continue to transform me into a greater reflection of Him. And, truthfully, I believe that the my reflection of Jesus IS my salvation....here and now. It's not something I'm waiting to pass into at the time of death. I'm not sure why, but I felt sort of led to share this today.

Have a great weekend everyone!

grace

View Current Blog

Family Update

I haven't updated on the fam in forever. I'll start with the youngest and work my way up....for reasons that will make sense later.


#4 Oh...#4! What a nut he is. To refresh your memory he is the OCD child of the bunch. Fortunately, for him, he's moving into junior high next year so a lot of that OCD behavior will blend right in for a few years. He "lucked out" and got moved into the youth group a year early (our school district is moving 6th grade up to junior high this year). This was a great blessing for us but sort of a bummer for #3 who lost out on getting to "move up" and be one of the cool kids all by himself. #4 is LOVING life as a youth grouper. A little too much at times in that he is often way to cool to speak to his mother and things like that. But, all in all, he's doing well.

#3 #3 is typically the easiest child to deal with. He's the most laid back and requires less maintenance over-all than the other children. Of course, you have to watch a kid like that lest he emerge in public wearing completely different shades of green....but hey, with this we can deal. He's all into girls and is insisting on inviting "only" 5 to his upcoming birthday party. I hate the idea of inviting girls at all and would almost agree to another sleepover if we could nix having them there. Almost.

#2 #2 enters high school this year. 10th grade. We are hoping against all odds that this will be the year that he actually attends school. Mind you, he's never missed a day, bodily, since kindergarten. But, somewhere during his 7th grade year he stopped actually going to school and in his mind he's been attending 10 minute social events interrupted by 50 minute classes. No one is more distraught about this than Tdub who received every award his tiny little school offered for being responsible, making good grades, and having school spirit. High school, for Tdub, was one long string of affirmations and he achieved them all. #2....not so much. Will be interesting to say the least.

#1 Awww....#1. How could one who once brought so much joy........? I'm not going to finish that. I'm believing this is just a phase and at some point, my #1 will emerge, frontal lobe securely in tact and working properly. I won't even begin to describe the torment my mind has gone through over #1. Here's just a TINY snippet of what we are dealing with. Last night, we let him borrow the car (the fact that he's car-less is just one of the ordeals we have going on). This morning, Tdub gets in the car and there's a 3/4 full Keystone Light Beer sitting in the cup holder. This disturbs me on so many levels that I think I'll make a list.

1. Keystone Light??? What depths has a child plunged to that he'd even consider drinking that sort of swill???
2. Leaving it IN THE CUPHOLDER! I mean, was he that drunk or is he really that stupid??
3. Drinking and driving.
4. Underage drinking.

Needless to say, #1 will be getting a ride for a while or just staying home....which seems to suit him way more than we'd like. He's supposed to start school down in Waco next month. We'll see how that plays out. He is getting no more assistance from us as far as helping him make arrangements, etc. *big sigh*

There's the update! Feel free to pray for any one of these causes as you feel led.

love,

grace

View Current Blog

Thomas Merton

Kurt was telling me in the last comment section that I might enjoy Thomas Merton and I commented back to him that one of my favorite quotes (it's actually a sort of lengthy passage) is a Thomas Merton one. Thought I'd share it. This pretty much says it all for me.

"My Lord, I have no hope but in your cross. You by your humility and sufferings and death, have delivered me from all vain hope. You have killed the vanity of the present life in Yourself, and have given me all that is eternal in rising from the dead.
Why should I want to be rich when you were poor? Why should I desire to be famous and powerful in the eyes of men, when the sons of those who exalted the false prophets and stoned the true rejected you and nailed you to the cross?
Why should I cherish in my heart a hope that devours me - the hope for perfect happiness in this life - when such hope, doomed to frustration, is nothing but despair?
My hope is in what the eye has never seen. Therefore, let me not trust in visible rewards. My hope is in what the heart of man cannot feel. Therefore, let me not trust in the feelings of my heart. My hope is in what the hand of man has never touched. Do not let me trust what I can grasp between my fingers. Death will loosen my grasp and my vain hope will be gone.
Let my trust be in Your mercy, not in myself. Let my hope be in Your love, not in health, or strength, or ability or human resources.
If I trust You, everything else will become, for me, strength, health, and support. Everything will bring me to heaven. If I do not trust You, everything will be my destruction."

grace

View Current Blog

When Did You Get Saved?

In the particular church I'm affiliated with, almost without exception, folks can name you a day and even moment in particular when they "got saved". I've often felt (my own bias, i'm sure) shamed or weird in some way that I'm not able to do the same. I can't tell you exactly how old I was or commemorate that date in any way. (the whole blogging birthday thing got me thinking about this) I know I was a child, somewhere between the ages of 6 or 8, when I first genuinely believed that Jesus was God's son and He died to forgive me of the wretchedness of my sin. I'm not being sarcastic here. I knew, that early, that I was lost without Him and that I was sinful. I do remember knowing and having a full grasp of that fact. At some point later, when I was maybe 11 or 12, I knew, I just KNEW, that I needed to continue my journey in Christ with baptism. I felt called to be baptized, or, as we would say, "convicted" that I needed to be baptized. I knew that it was time to identify fully and publicly with the death and resurrection of Jesus. Most in my current church circle would say that it was at this point when I was truly "saved". And some, on the fringes of the circle I'm a part of now, would say I've yet to be saved because of the order in which I believed and a few other specifics about my baptism. So....take heart gay readers....there are those out there who think I'm going to hell right along with you! (please laugh heartily at this point)

Anywoo....I do have a point in all this.

Later, sometime during the middle of my first marriage, I began to question everything I'd ever been taught or thought I knew about being a Christian. At the low end of that journey, I even questioned the existence of a personal God who cared even one iota about the lives of any of us. I believed at that point that I was basically on my own, just battling it out one day at a time and trying to make the best of things and treat others fairly. I believed in God, but not as a personal sort of God who cared about my day to day life. My day to day life at that point was really great in many ways but totally SUCKED in so many other really important ways. Que sera' sera'. (i'm a child of the 70's and I hear Doris Day singing right now....bear with me...hehe!)

I'll cut the journey short here and make my point. It was during the time that I was divorced and on my own that I began to really search and seek God. Yet again. Why I would seek a God who I'd decided didn't care about me personally, I can only attribute to the wooing of the Holy Spirit. I do believe that He sought me; pursued me. (i've been thinking along this line as well due to kevin beck's recent post about a book i intend to read)

Finally, my point in all of this, is that salvation is a journey. It is not a one time event. It is certainly not within our realm of judgment to decide who is "in" and who is "out". We can only proclaim truth as we have it revealed to us (by way of scripture and the Holy Spirit) and keep on truckin'. (i told you i was a 70's child)

grace

View Current Blog

Shoot....I Missed It

I was sitting here thinking about the fact that it's been about 1 year since I started this blog. I checked. Yesterday was my blogging birthday! Oh well. It's only fair that since I'm horrible about remembering birthdays of anyone outside this household, I'd miss that one.

Nevertheless, I feel compelled to somehow commemorate it. I started the blog as a sort of "therapy" then went to visit our therapist about 10 days later and he suggested I start a blog. He asked, "Have you ever thought about writing a blog?" I replied, "I've thought about it." For some silly reason I didn't tell him I'd just recently started one! I have no idea why. It's not like I haven't shared many more intimate things with him. I guess I just took that as a confirmation that I was on the right track. And...apparently, I was (and he was) because I haven't been back to see him since! haha! Isn't that hilarious??? Don't worry, Tdub has contributed fairly regularly to the coffers of mental health and Dr. Austin's bottom line.

I think I will start a little tradition. I entered this quote on my first blog. I think I will repost it every year in honor of my blog birthday.

"Being in love is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other." C.S. Lewis

Isn't that just so very apropos? Now, Tdub and I are in a really good place right now. But...I'm not going to think all of you so gullible as to not know that there have been moments when the "like" left the "love". :) Not for a long time...but hey, it happens. I also love the use of the word "will" in this quote. It goes along with my "willful grace" name in that I must at times "will" myself to show grace.

I appreciate those of you who read and I'm way more affirmed than I like to admit over those of you who comment. Tdub and I have made at least one life-long friend (in the flesh!) because of this blog and many others who are still "virtual" and on the way to becoming life-long. It's been a good thing.

grace

View Current Blog

VBS

It's VBS week. With much help from others I turned our church parlor into an undersea coral reef by painting big murals on blue butcher paper. It's pretty cool, I guess. (that's my Napoleon Dynamite impression)

Tdub and I are in charge of an activity for tonight and we've done (well, tdub did it) something every kid would dream of doing in your church auditorium. Our church has these connecting chairs instead of pews so that you can arrange it in various ways. Tdub has created a giant maze (like a hedge-maze but with sturdy upholstered chairs) . Several different openings converge at a gigantic banner with a humongous red X labeled "x marks the spot" and then, "Where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21". Many paths result in dead ends. They can run through the maze multiple times from various entry points and each time they make it to the X they get a "gold" coin that has a little picture on one side and a scripture reference on the other. Fun fun. At least that's our intention. We're encouraged by the fact that our youth pastor had a bit of difficulty making it through, which could mean absolutely nothing about the children's skill level regarding the maze. (hehe!) We'll see. We'd like for it to be just challenging enough to provide 15 full minutes of fun before the next group arrives. We want to avoid at all costs the nightmare of down-time in the presence of 20 to 30 young children.

Maybe I'll post some pictures of the maze and the murals later.

grace



View Current Blog

Everything Is Spiritual

We saw Rob Bell last Thursday night. If you are in or near one of the cities he's visiting through the end of the month.....GO! Just go. The lesson he's teaching is titled "Everything Is Spiritual". It's incredible. If it helps even one of you to spend $12 and 2 hrs. listening to him I'll add that in the venue we saw him in you could buy a beer or a mixed drink....and I think all the venues are like that. Also, the 2hrs. felt like 30 minutes. That doesn't hurt either.

That's the best I can do right now as far as a review. I'm still processing all of it. Oh....and know this; there is no heavy or light-handed emotionality to the event. Just a guy, walking onto a stage, in front of a giant whiteboard, and teaching. And it was riveting. There's no singing or altar call or anything churchy about it. That helped ME quite a bit since I don't care for frequent side dishes of manipulation offered when it comes to my spiritual food. I suspect it makes it more palatable for others as well. :)

grace


View Current Blog

Comment on a comment

Something Peterson (Toscano) wrote as a comment to my post about Tdub having a metaphorical pink stripe on his luggage has prompted me to write more. Since I'm bereft of ideas lately (for some unknown reason) and I don't think Peterson will mind, I'm going to just "go with it". Note: I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be able to have open dialogue and friendly relations with guys like Peterson. He's about as against ex-gay programs as one can get. And yet, I believe he operates mostly in a spirit of love and concern for others. I overlook things that could offend me on his blog because I'm an intelligent woman with my own blog on which to spout my beliefs. I have no patience for silly blog wars....let alone the time to conduct them.
Here's his comment:

"I know men with same sex attractions who remain married to their wives. One man, who identifies as bisexual, lives with his wife although they no longer have a sexual relationship. They remain companions in every other sense of the word. He says he is content, but adds that he is not sure about how his wife feels because she prefers to not discuss the issue. "

Apparently this approach works for this couple. But I'm telling you right here and now it would NEVER work for me or Tdub. It's messed up on so many levels as it pertains to our shared view of what marriage is all about.

#1 being the lack of sexual relationship. whoa! I'm good with the "companions in every other sense of the word" part but for us, it's that part of the relationship that keeps us wanting each other more and more sexually. As we continue to learn about each other, to know each other more deeply and fully in all sorts of situations, our sexual relationship continues to grow/deepen (whatever word i put there is full of innuendo ha!) as well. It's like the icing on a cake, the whipped cream on a sundae, a great highlight job after an awesome cut, or having your dentist offer to whiten your teeth at his cost. It's just SWEET.

The #2 way this scenario is a "no go" for us is the part of about not being sure how the wife feels because of not discussing the issue. Tdub and I discuss everything. We talk about everything from the lack of brownie chunks in our Blue Belle ice cream (appalling) to conjecturing over how many times and in what rooms we're afraid #1 has had sex with his girlfriend. We may have some catching up to do during extremely busy weeks...but...nothing is off limits. If we can't talk about it....then it's a discussion we need to have with the therapist either individually or together. End of story.

I'm certainly not picking on Peterson or his comment here. Not at all. Just using it as a springboard to share and write about how things work for us. I sometimes get the impression that my virtual gay friends may think we have just learned to be content with less and that's why this whole "ex-gay" thing works for us. Not so. My real life gay friends can certainly attest to this since they actually see us in living breathing color. Tdub and I are not settling for less, we are enjoying God's finest. In Him and in one another.

grace

View Current Blog

Home

It's good to be home. And yet, there's something I all ready miss about being at Casa. It's a sense of simplicity and purpose as well as the physical satisfaction of a hard day's labor. While we are there, we get up, work (digging ditches, shoveling dirt, mixing and pouring concrete, tiling bathroom walls, etc...), eat in the dining hall with the children (the food is good but no one cares what it is or complains because real work makes us truly hungry), we shower(or not) then play with the children for two hours in the afternoon (these children need nothing more than a ball, frisbee, or jump rope to have a really great time). The day at Casa concludes with a gathering together of the entire group where we sing a few choruses (some Enlish, some Spanish) and listen to a teen, youth intern, or other leader, give a short devotional reminding us that we are indebted to our creator for the opportunity to live, breathe, and just BE.

The first time I traveled to Casa I might've believe that I was bringing something to the children. I may have felt that they needed me or that I had something to offer them. I learned quickly, during that first visit, that the children had more to offer me than I could possibly bring to them. How could I ever impart strength, wisdom, character, or eternal knowledge to those who've been so blessed. I consider the children at Casa to be among the very elect, favored by God. While I am enslaved to all that surrounds me and must be purposeful about finding God's truths in all that I see, these little ones bask in the joy unspeakable that comes from relying fully on Christ. I must remind myself daily, even hourly, of God's hand in my life and of the fact that there's nothing I can do in and of myself. The kids at Casa learned early in life that they are at the mercy of something greater than they are able to control. They've been blessed with a keen understanding of the love, compassion, and mercy of a God who has not abandoned them in their time of need. I fail miserably when I find myself becoming discontent or wanting more in this life, when my Father has richly blessed me with so much more than I need. The kids at Casa have taught me that all my blessings are as a curse when I allow them to pull my focus away from the one from whom all blessings flow.

My mission now is to seek the simplicity and purpose here that I find when I travel to Casa. It's a physical trip. Tiring in a really good way. But the value in the journey is spiritual as I begin to apply these truths to my life back home.

grace

View Current Blog

Change....Is it possible?

I've come to realize that one of the reasons I'm "accepted" within the gay community (or at least the ones who read here) is because I'm so honest/transparent about Tdub's struggle with unwanted attractions. Even though Tdub refers to himself as straight and identifies himself as straight, the fact that he struggles at all with same sex attractions makes him gay in the eyes of some folks. What do I think about that? I just honestly don't care what folks call him. You can call him a giant polka-dotted turtle. He's awesome, no matter how you say it.

Tdub's priority, his goal, his absolute first and foremost mission in life, is to become more Christ-like. We, both of us, actually stumbled onto this mission of being Christ-like after having attempted miserably to be completely in charge of our own destinies. When we married, I honestly believe we were each still doing that very thing; trying our darndest to make things work out and be "whole" by our own means. It got ugly, pretty quickly, in our marriage. We each brought baggage (what baggage!!) that just couldn't get "checked" and thrown into the plane, arriving safely at the other end of the journey. It's as if God stopped us at the metal detector and forced us to rummage around and start pulling out the *crap*.....piece by piece. It was either that, or just turn around and go back from whence we came.

In some ways we are still at the metal detector and always will be, thanks to God's infinite grace. He is so patient and kind to us as we journey along. And yet, we've journeyed well beyond that first layover.

So, maybe Tdub's suitcase has a metaphorical pink stripe on it. Just sayin'. What's most important to me, is that now, his luggage has a much larger "grace" (as in me, whatever that would be) colored stripe as well as an even wider Christ-colored stripe. While there are many stripes on Tdub's luggage, I assure you, the the "grace and the Christ-colored stripes are widest.

Now, lest you feel sorry for him, and feel that he is some trodden down, beaten, shell of a man who can't/hasn't expressed himself fully as a sexual human being, lo these many years of marriage, think again. He is not and will not be that man. He's one of the most vibrant, excited, sexually expressive men I know. (as if i know alot of sexually expressive men..but still :) Maybe (hint, hint) he will comment on this post and give his input to this aspect of what I'm trying to communicate. He is incredibly awesome, after all. (you catch more flies with honey, ya'll)

Has he changed? Heck, yes!! Have I changed? Thank the LORD, yes!! Is Tdub sexually attracted to men? Not so much, and yet, while that pink stripe has shrunk it may never be completely annihilated. And you know what? I'm not concerned about that. I love the pink stripe. I'm all about the pink stripe. The pink stripe is part of who he is. While I'm thankful it's not the huge marking it once was on the luggage, when it seemed to over-ride so many of the other stripes, I don't wish it entirely vanished either.

I probably won't be posting again until after we return from our Mexico mission trip. Please comment if you wish, and know that I'll get back to you after July8. :)

love,
grace

View Current Blog

Summer Fun

Since returning from the lap of luxury in Palm Beach it's been full-tilt "life as we know it" here at our house.

I willingly and gratefully kept my best friend's 3 young children (who are as a niece and nephews to me) for 4 days, have had a root canal, worked (painted) on a 4th of July float project for our VBS, consulted and am in the process of beginning to paint a child's room for a friend (basketball motif), and started a brand new work-out regime. Oh yeah....I also COMPLETELY cleaned the downstairs including mopping ALL the floors so that our dear friend Emery could visit us and not be completely appalled at the state of our house! :) Oh....and I didn't mention that we've had numerous and sundry boys/girls (teenagers) in and out of here who are constantly needing food and leaving doors open and letting stray cats in and generally trashing up and stinking up the place unless you stay entirely on top of them which I am not prone to do. *big sigh* Oh well.

We leave VERY early this coming Saturday morning for a mission trip with our Youth Group. We are taking the 3 younger boys and it will be the first trip for #3 and #4. They are very much looking forward to it. This is where we'll be for the next week starting this coming Sunday. I appreciate your prayers for us and if you're looking for a worthwhile place to donate some tax-deductible monies...this would be a good one. We will spend the week working (hard labor) doing construction and improvement sorts of things at the children's home.

I may post again this week before we leave. But didn't want to fail to mention this trip and my absence should I not find time to post.

Happy Summer!

love,
grace


View Current Blog

My Views on Education

Norm! asked some very thought-provoking questions in his comment this morning. I'm going to attempt to state my views as coherently as possible.


Also, as an educator, what are you thoughts about gay/straight student clubs? In encouraging students to treat each other with respect and dignity, isn't it important for schools to allow student groups for minorities whether they be sexual, racial, or religious?

Student clubs are an important part of the high school years for many teens. The point of clubs is to give many different kids another avenue to "belong"; to feel they are contributing to something and are valued within a group. As long as we allow even one special interest club to form at school then we have to be very broad in terms of what other sorts of clubs we allow. That's part of the nature of public school. A public school is a microcosm of the society at large. As long as the activities of the club are not interfering with the learning environment (which is up to the administrator's discretion) then it should be allowed. The more controversial a student club is, in my opinion, the greater lengths that club should go to in order to prove it's a beneficial part of the school culture. For instance, if a Fellowship of Christian Athletes club formed in a school of high Jewish population, it would be disruptive for them to put up signs condemning Jews. Not to mention that it would also be very unChrist-like and defeat the purpose of having the club in the first place. In my opinion, special interest clubs should be able to post information about the times and places of their meetings, and then, just meet. All done.
So yeah, I think a gay/straight alliance club could be a very healthy thing and certainly a wonderful avenue to get some communication going after school hours. If I were an administrator and started having all sorts of issues between different student clubs that were interfering with the staff's ability to teach, I'd say "shut them all down." The most important thing that goes on at school is the learning environment. If done correctly, special interest groups at school can enhance that environment for kids by giving them a group and a place to belong. This, in turn, makes all the difference for some, particularly those on the "fringes" who can easily fall through the cracks if they are not connected in some way. *whew* that was long! sorry!


As for curriculum, how do you differentiate between teaching about a topic versus advocating a particular topic. I have heard some on the Right argue that simply mentioning homosexuality or diversity training is using schools to advocate for the gay agenda. And I have heard some on the Left argue that teaching the Bible or basic morality is the same as proselytizing. What are some of your views?

You know, there are probably those on the far Right(maybe not even so "far") who think I'm advocating homosexuality on this blog, would you agree? I've heard there is some sort of effort being made (and possibly a done deal) to include the topic of homosexuality in text books. I don't agree with that, and not necessarily because I think it's advocating it or not, but mostly because I think it's unnecessary based on the things I mentioned in my post yesterday. Diversity training does not need to include "facts" or theories about how one becomes gay. We don't actually know the answers to that. What we can teach, is that we treat one another as fellow humans. I won't repeat what I said yesterday. That's a human agenda, not a gay one. Basic morality can be taught without ever mentioning the Bible. There's an underlying moral code, a sense of wrong and right, which, in my opinion proves the existence of God. Certain moral codes are "innate". Using the Bible as a cultural or literature reference shouldn't be a problem any more than using Chinese proverbs or Greek mythology. I don't agree with using the Bible as a science textbook for the same reasons I don't think we need to teach the origins of homosexuality in a textbook. There are some pretty giant leaps of faith that must be taken in both those instances and you still don't really come up with any clear cut answers.

There are so many things that are appropriate and difficult enough to teach in public school to the diverse population of kids we get. It just bugs me to no end to have people who've never spent any time in a school deciding what we need to teach. Our plate is full right now. The last few generations and the ones coming up are needy and it is becoming more and more difficult to teach even the most basic of skills to these kids. Why we insist on convoluting our curriculums with things that we can't be sure of I don't know.

It is the responsibility of parents and churches to teach spiritual truths to children. Public school gets blamed for so many ills in society when all that public school can do is reflect society as a whole. It's a public institution funded by tax dollars in a democracy. The problems we have in school don't originate in the schools, they originate in the homes and families of the kids that are sent to school. Now I'm on another soap box! Better jump off right quick.

Thanks Norm! for stimulating my thinking about all this.

grace

View Current Blog

In my concerted effort not to become political on this blog *wink* I'm going to address a sort of political question that a very thoughtful commenter posted after my last little diatribe.

"I believe if states allow or acknowledge same-sex marriages, why won't homosexuality be taught as an acceptable norm in the schools?"

I'm a public school teacher, so I have an opinion about this from an educator's standpoint. Keep in mind as well, that I'm in Texas; a very conservative state that is probably decades away from legalizing same sex marriage, and certainly at least that far away from adding homosexuality to the curriculum in our public schools. And it doesn't NEED to be added. In my opinion, schools do not need to be teaching kids about sexuality of any stripe. Not only are there more questions than answers as to how our sexuality develops, we have more than enough curriculum, TESTED curriculum, to teach as it is.

Apart from tested curriculum I believe we have a responsibility to teach young folks how to be safe and healthy in all sorts of situations (including sexual), and we have a responsibility to teach them how to live and treat others (including their PARENTS) with dignity and respect. That should pretty much cover it. Other than that, we need to get them reading, writing, calculating, and learning how to continue to learn and think for themselves.

Homosexuality is a human condition involving real live people. Is it normal? Well, let me say this....knowing all that I know about Tdub, understanding his personality and temperament as I've come to do, and having the beliefs I have about how it came to be, I believe that for him to struggle with attractions to his gender is pretty darn normal. He's not a leper or an alien or an enemy of society. He's just a guy. If Tdub had grown up surrounded by folks in church who found people like him to be a little bit more "normal", he probably could have avoided many mistakes and heartaches to himself and others (like me). If he'd felt comfortable AT ALL sharing his heartache and pain, his inner "demons", well, we just don't know how things may have been different. On the contrary, he felt abnormal, weird, shunned, devalued.....and all because of something he had no real choice about.

I honestly don't know what the real answer is, but I do know that what we've been doing doesn't work for guys like my husband. They become victims both ways in this dilemma. Not that Tdub lives or perceives himself as a victim. He's an overcomer by the grace of God.

While I don't believe homosexuality needs to be taught in school, I believe in teaching students to treat others (including gays) with dignity and respect. Will legalizing same sex unions cause our school curriculums to change? From what I understand, that battle is already going on seperate and apart from the same sex union battle. It's two different issues as far as I'm concerned. I'll also add, briefly, that I do not want my kids recieving religious instruction in public school. I'll take care of that, thank you very much. We do that as it is right now since everything they learn in school doesn't necessarily line up with our religious worldview. We take care of that in our home on a case by case basis.

This is a rambling mess. Sorry. I'm a bit exhausted still from staying up too late watching that PATHETIC Mavericks game last night! augh!!!

grace


View Current Blog

Here's What I Want

I'm not into politics. I love people. All people. I believe that Jesus Christ came in the flesh and established the Kingdom of God...here....on this earth....right now, active. He did that so that we could all be reconciled to the Father and be at peace with our maker....come what may. I accept the Lordship of Jesus and am willing to partake of His suffering since I'm trapped here for the time being until he comes again.

So....what I would like to see happen....concerning (what i believe to be) the sin of same sex relations...is this.....

It's JUST a sin. It's not BIGGER than any other sin. We have MANY laws which give rights and privileges to those who sin. The sin of homosexual sex is no worse than the sin of adultery, fornication (same thing, pretty much since we don't let them marry), divorce, drunkenness, gluttony, gossip, masturbation(??), did I mention adultery and fornication?, neglecting children, addictions of all stripes. materialism.....etc., etc.,

The thing is....I am trapped in sinful nature and only Jesus can cleanse me of the things I commit within that nature. He doesn't cleanse me so that I get my ticket to heaven and avoid hell. I could care less about that. I rarely ever think of the afterlife. I don't find it to be a major concern in the book of ACTS, which is our model for going about and converting folks to the way of Christ. I want to serve Christ and I've committed my life to Christ....because of CHRIST. He's just so awesome. His ways complete me and fulfill me in a way that I can scarcely describe. I have determined that I will give up EVERYTHING for Him. Even if it means I am not complete physically or emotionally in this life.....I will put all of that aside so that I can draw closer to Him and His holiness. He is THAT good. It's crazy. I know.

I also trust Him enough to be able to LOVE my gay brothers and sisters.....really LOVE them....and not condemn them. I want them to have rights, freedoms, privileges....just as I do. I'm not sure where God will lead them when they come into relationship with Him. That's not my business. But.....I'm not going to go about trying to screw up their lives here in order to try and "save" them. I will continue to love and honor them as individuals. Their "sin" (in my opinion it's sin) is no worse than my sin. I will continue to extend grace just as grace continues to be extended to me. I am chief of sinners.

This is why I refuse to get involved in political arguments here on my blog. My goodness....if Jesus and the disciples had "gone political" we'd probably still be trying the case of Christ to this day. Jesus let all that politcal stuff just play out as it was....and....in the end, it proved His point completely. His kingdom is spiritual. Jesus is Lord.

grace


View Current Blog

Back to Reality

*big sigh*

Here we are, back to the "grind" of summer. ;) It's a far cry (way far) from Palm Beach living but I guess it'll do. The boys seem happy that we're back, although we must read this by their mostly pleasant dispositions and willingness to actually converse with us in what are more than two word sentences. They'd never come right out and SAY they missed us! Heaven forbid!

Tdub spent the entire day yesterday getting all our laundry done (all SIX of us, he's amazing) while I did my best to restore the kitchen/fridge to it's perpetual readiness for feeding frenzy. The contents of the fridge gets pretty disgusting with 10 days absence and it seems there's an endless stream of mouths needing sustenance around here. We were home less than 24 hours and had no fewer than 4 friends of one boy or another in and out.

I'm not complaining....really. Just sayin'.

The trip was one of the best we've ever shared alone together. Just the two of us during those last 4 days, relaxing and enjoying each other along with the sand, surf, pool, in-room movies, and ocean front seating to watch two of the Mavs games while being served delicious food and drink.

I've got some things on my mind to write about, but it's just not gelled into a complete or coherent thought at this point. Nothing to share except this sort of "state of the union" stuff at this point. I'm spending this evening planning and preparing for what I hope will be a special Father's Day on Sunday for Tdub. He's a good dad and he makes me a better mom.

Happy Father's Day to all of you.

love,
grace

View Current Blog

Thinking

While lying in a comfy chair between the beach and a pool today, accompanied by relaxing, instrumental music and the sound of the waves crashing on the sand, I did some thinking. The thought occurred to me of something that seems to lack consistency within the far right line of thinking in regards to sin prevention. Specifically, in regards to preventing homosexual acts of sin. This is just an example that jumped to my mind, but I feel certain I could probably think of others. However, the wind, the sea, and the music were begging me not to think TOO hard. :)

The far right seems to insist that the key to preventing gays from taking over society and destroying our culture is to convince the gays to change and be straight. That, and that gay relationships lack value and authenticity by working towards political ends which reinforce that thinking. (Honestly, I've decided that I have no problem with gay civil unions. Hate me, sue me, call me the anti-Christ. I just don't.) These same folks seem pretty thoroughly convinced that there are some basic deficiencies among gay folks that have made them gay. Most striking being the lack of a supportive, nurturing father and the presence of an over-bearing, domineering mother. (these, by the way, are part of Tdub's story, and, I might add MANY of the gays I know...particularly the father part) So....as I was lying there thinking....the thought occurred to me to wonder why the far right, if they truly believe gayness is overwhelmingly caused by these factors, do not focus on prevention and go after all these straight dads who have screwed up their sons? Why not attempt to eliminate gays by going to the supposed cause of gayness rather than attacking gays? Wouldn't it make more sense? And who would that hurt....really? It wouldn't hurt anyone. Furthermore, they'd be focusing on "their own kind" so to speak and I'd think their voice would be much more readily heard and adhered to in that camp than it is by the way they portray themselves now with gay folks. At the very least, hopefully, the boys of the world could get better dads....whether they continued to turn out to be gay or straight.

Again...and as always...I'm just thinking out loud here.

much love to you all,
(one more day here, then it's back to reality!)

grace

View Current Blog

Growth

Growth requires risk. It just does. Can't get around it no matter how hard you try.

During a pretty deep conversation we were having with our "family" friends here in Palm Beach the other night, Tdub shared his struggle with unwanted same sex attraction. No one dropped dead from shock....at least not at the news that he struggles.....but....there may have been a silent, yet collective gasp, at the fact that he was actually saying it, right out loud, in front of everyone.

I will never forget the time, several years ago, when we were going over to visit these same friends. (remember, this intimate group includes our gay friend who is also Tdub's boss) At that time, Tdub was barely into working on this journey, our marriage was still very fragile, and yet our faith was grounded completely in God and in continuing, come what may, with His guidance. On the way over, as Tdub and I were talking, I said, "You know, I believe that one day you'll be able to share all of this with *****." With a look and tone of sternness usually reserved for a misbehaving child Tdub replied, "I will never, ever, do that."

Growth. Risk. Come what may. That, to me, is what a life in Christ is all about.

grace

View Current Blog

Having a Lovely Time

Palm Beach is awesome. It is truly like a different world down here; particularly at this hotel where they wait on us hand and foot, serve us completely over-priced but delicious and artistically presented foods, and answer the phone when we push any button with, "How can I help you Ms. *******?" It's basically the complete and total opposite of life as we know it back home!

Many good things, great things, AMAZING things have happened all ready. This is, by the way, one of the times of the year when I get to spend lots of time with my very best gay friend. And it's good. He's really like a brother to me. The "business" of the trip begins tomorrow for Tdub and ends on Sunday. Then we have until the next Wednesday to enjoy our time here together.

I've got much to share but I want to process it more with Tdub before I put it out there for the world to see.

love,
grace

View Current Blog

Vacation (woo hoo!)

Tdub and I leave this Sunday for 10 days in Palm Beach, Florida. It's a business conference where Tdub's in charge of this HUGE production so he'll be working for 4 of the days....but....the other days we have all to ourselves! It's awesome. The company has been having the conference there for several years now so we're quite familiar with the area, the hotel, etc. Mostly, we're familiar with the BEACH! We both love spending time on the beach. If Tdub will let me knab his laptop for a bit after the conference maybe I'll be able to post an update or a picture or something. We'll see.

grace



View Current Blog

I Heart Tdub

You know, it must be pretty sucky to have a wife who writes an entire blog based on the fact that you deal with one certain sin.

If you read here regularly, you know that I'm mostly a sort of "champion" for all sinners with a special love for those who struggle and those who are gay. But still......I know it's unsettling for Tdub at times, even though he's been nothing more than absolutely proud and supportive of me the entire way. We've both grown because of this blog, and I believe it's been beneficial to us for me to have written these things and to have shared the things I've shared.

For one thing, it's been good because, as odd as it may sound, it's shown him (tdub) just how compassionate I truly am toward his struggle. This is a good thing. He is more empowered to be honest and straightforward with me about particular areas of struggle when he reads and sees the way I respond to others who share his struggle. And yeah...it is a struggle for those like him. It's not easy to be attracted to the same sex and yet have no desire whatsoever to do anything other than be married to the opposite sex, have fulfilling sexual relations with that person, raise a family, be friends, be "one" with that person as you see God having intended it to be. It's absolutely difficult. And yet, in a society with a divorce rate as high as ours....it's difficult no matter what, is it not? But, this is how I see Tdub. He has no desire whatsoever to live as a gay man. I've never once believed this about him. I've tempted him with the idea (early on in our struggle, and not in the best of conversations i might add) and yet, I knew even as I spoke the words what his intention and reply would be. He desires, more than anything, to be married to me, be attracted sexually to me, to be best friends with me (this seems all in opposite order here) and to raise our boys to the best of our ability together. And then, to enjoy long happy years together WITHOUT them!! haha!!

I can't really speak for him, and yet, being best friends, there are things we just "know" about each other.

I know I joke around a bit about Tdub at times. I mean, who wouldn't want a guy who does ALL the laundry (just cause he's so good at it and I can't do it "good enough"). Or, a guy who can make you ecstatic in the bedroom AND ecstatic over the perfect pair of shoes he found for you to go with that certain outfit? I mean really, does it get any better than that???? :)

But, most of all, who wouldn't want a guy who will do whatever it takes to follow the call of God and lead you and your family toward holiness? Not perfection......holiness......closer and closer to the people God made us to be. That's what Tdub does. Consistently. He talks and acts like I'm the "deep" one in the relationship. But he is deeper than I can even begin to know.

I Heart Tdub. So much.

grace





View Current Blog

Pachelbel's Canon in D

I've always loved Pachelbel's Canon.....cliche' as it may be for wedding's and such.

Maybe it's just because I grew up in the 70's....but...this right here is about the coolest thing I've ever heard.

grace


View Current Blog

The Other Side of Grace

Tdub and I had this little conversation this morning before he headed off to the gym.

Me: What did you think of that X-Men movie? (i'd just read this post about it at ex-gay watch)
Tdub: I loved it. Thought it was awesome, the boys did too.
Me: Did you..um...notice any similarities to anything?
Tdub: *sort of grinning and nodding* You mean, to gays?
Me: Yeah, I've been reading that it's really all about the ex-gay movement....
Tdub: Anyone could easily make that jump...they have a "cure" for the mutants and there's this powerful guy whose son is a mutant.....

We talked for a while about the story and the way it does indeed apply and then our discussion parlayed into orientation vs. attraction and some of the stuff I've written lately about that in comments at ex-gay watch. (he doesn't read any of that stuff...his internet time is mainly email, a little news, movie reviews, and shopping...he's gonna KILL me for sayin' that! hehe!)
Anyway....we talked a little while and continued like this...

Me: I know, for you guys, this viewpoint that it's sin really doesn't seem fair. I mean, here you have this lifelong struggle......and yet.....honestly, I believe EVERYONE has something big to deal with. It's just that most people don't recognize it.
Tdub: *nodding* I agree with that.
Me: ALOT of people in our culture struggle horribly with materialism but it's not a big deal, it's accepted.
Tdub: *facetiously* Yeah, I'm glad I'm not materialistic.
Me: You're NOT. Really. That's not a sin of yours. You're vain....but you're not materialistic.
Tdub: *chuckling* Oh...so that's what it is!
Me: Oh yeah...I don't think you're materialistic at all. You know, you just let me decide what your sins are. I'll take care of that! Vanity is your sin, not materialism.
*we were both laughing pretty hard by this time*
Tdub: There's my first post when I start my own blog...I'll call it,
"The Other Side of Grace".

And, since he's far too busy reading movie reviews to ever start his own blog...I decided just to write this one myself.

grace



View Current Blog

An Over-Simplified Primer in Ex-Gay Rhetoric

Here's my very over-simplified take on the problem that exists between the Ex-Gay movement and the folks at Ex-Gay Watch, who I'm assuming, represent a significant portion of the gay population in general.

Here are the things I can "get away with" in the camp over at Ex-Gay Watch.

1) stating my belief that homosexual acts are sinful and against God's plan for man
2) giving my own personal testimony about how Tdub has reduced his unwanted same sex attraction (through therapy and spiritual healing techniques) and increased (greatly) in his sexual attraction to me
3) speculating about the nature vs. nurture debate concerning sexual attractions/orientations and sharing personal stories or personal experiences
4) relating "change" of the sexual attraction sort to the Christian walk and other struggles with sin (namely, mine)
5) asking questions about the level of promiscuity in the gay community as compared to promiscuity in the hetero community
6) a bunch of other stuff but I'm tired of trying to think of all of them

Here are the things that WILL NOT under any circumstances fly with the camp over at Ex-Gay Watch. And, you may ask, why do I care what they think? Well....mostly....because I love those people. the gays. I respect them as individuals and as unique creations of God, and I just downright like them too. Because of that....I don't do these things:

1) being more appalled or SO appalled by homosexual acts (which I consider sin) than my own sinfulness or all types of other sins that I'm surrounded by on a daily basis and which do JUST AS MUCH to tear at the moral fiber of our culture as ANY other sin
2) making it sound like someone can actually be "cured" of same sex attractions as if it were a cold or something.....or, making it sound like there are "quick fixes" and there are hundreds of thousands of people who've followed some handy dandy steps and chosen to be free of unwanted same sex attractions. it ain't that simple. it's tough....and the hard truth of the matter is that some are more successful than others and it's difficult to understand why.
3) making relationally ignorant statements like "people are not born gay" which obviously does nothing more than INCITE gay folks. people are just born. i'm no more sure (and no one is) of when they receive gayness or straightness than those who argue about when an embryo becomes a fetus, becomes a soul, becomes a baby and on and on it goes. obviously....and my husband can attest....there are those who don't remember not being attracted to the opposite sex as soon as they were sexually attracted to anything at all....so....at what point that occurred...is really and truly still up for grabs. it is.
4) saying things like, "you just need to have more faith" or, "you aren't really a Christian if you're still gay" or, "you obviously have a bad relationship with your father and your mother must have been over-bearing" or, "gays are recruiting people to be gay"....maybe they would, if they could...but they CAN'T! if i'm an alcoholic, the person who took me to the bar for my first drink did not RECRUIT me...i was pre-disposed to that sin and it just IS. And it always will be. The fact that it's more acceptable than ever for young folks to go hang out in bars is not because of an "alcholic's agenda". It's just because of our society at large. (i know i may get in deep doo doo for comparing homosexuality to alcoholism.....i'm sorry....i hope you can love and forgive me)
5) talking about promiscuity in the gay community and never once mentioning that promiscuity is actually a HUMAN problem.....not confined to gays. Furthermore, seeming to blame all the evils of the world and our current culture on gay promiscuity. I've got problems with promiscuity here at my house....but not of the gay sort....son #1 is KILLIN' me! I guess...at least if he were struggling with gay sex I wouldn't have to worry about becoming a Grandma! (humor is one of God's greatest gifts and I'm finding every way I can in this situation to find it)
6) just being plain disrespectful of the gay community at large. yep, i think it's sin...but ya know....there are SO many sinful things about our culture.....i see no reason to go singling them out as the "axis of evil" for what ails us.

Ok.....I've had that little rant in me for a while and now it's out.

For those of you who read here and DO struggle because your attractions are unwanted....take heart. It sucks, I know. But there's always, always hope. Even when you screw up. (no pun intended! ha!)

love,
grace





View Current Blog

What Am I?

I took one of those little online questionnaire thingies a bit ago. It was supposed to tell me which belief/denomination/church structure I most closely matched with based on my answers to some questions. Turns out I'm mostly Eastern Orthodox. What the heck? I don't even know what that is. Should I go out and buy a robe made of natural fibers and learn some chants...or maybe get a little jewel planted in my navel??? I have no idea what that means.

All the "biggies" were in the list. Even the ones I've been associated with; those being Assemblies of God, Baptist, and now Church of Christ/Cambelite. (gotta qualify that with the Cambelite so we sound less cultish, i guess) The way I see it, pretty much, is that I was "yanked up" in the Assemblies of God, ran quickly to the first friendly Baptist church I could get into without being re-baptized as an adult, went through some pretty nasty trials and started actually trying to figure out Christianity for myself, and ultimately landed in the Church of Christ which suits me about as well as any other building I've been to where people profess Christ. I actually love the acapella singing (no it's NOT a salvation issue) and I love the way water baptism is tied directly to the moment one decides to make Jesus the Lord of their life. (even though I have disagreements with the rest of their "doctrine" about it). But...I do like it that we baptize folks at the time they put on Christ instead of some time later when we decide to fill up the baptistry and make a "service" out of the 6 or 8 people who got "saved" during the last year.

And now I find out that I'm Eastern Orthodox? I gotta check this out. I hope I'm not going to hell or anything. (kidding!!)

grace

p.s. I did happen (on a whim with one of my teenage friends) to get a little jewel planted in my left ear cartilidge yesterday....hmmm.


View Current Blog

Packing Up

We have only a few days of school left. Five, to be exact. I've been packing boxes for my move to the middle school. Next year I'll be a 7th grade English teacher. Whoopee!

I'm a bit concerned about the impression I might make in the beginning. I mean, I want to fit in and be a "real live middle school teacher". And yet, I've taught elementary grades for my entire career. It looks like this when you lay it out;

1st grade 5 yrs.
2nd grade 8 yrs.
5th grade 1 yr.
Art 4,5,6 3 yrs.

So...13 of my 17 years of teaching have been spent with very young children. Which means I've accumulated all sorts of.....uh....*ahem*.......STUFF....(better known as *crap*).

I've got feathers, metallic pipe cleaners, miniature clothespins, magnetic laser printer paper, stickers of ALL sorts, stamps, sponges, shells, tissue paper, craft paper, manilla paper, wiggly eyes, glitter, craft glue, fabric scraps, felt, etc. etc.,.... AND the containers to put it all in to boot! It's insane, actually. What the elementary teacher in me didn't find valuable....the ART teacher DID. Which means the last three years have reeked havoc on my "throwing away" tendencies which I DO enjoy from time to time.

Oh me oh MY.

I'm EXCITED about the move, though! Very much so. #3 and #4 will be going to the same middle school and I'll be teaching #3's grade. He won't have me as a teacher but he will have my teaching partner who is my very best friend. He doesn't stand a chance, poor dear. ;) *side note to Jenny....KB will be my teaching partner!*

Cleaning out and organizing things is VERY good for me. My poor custodian is the most gracious and understanding man I've EVER met. I've off-loaded no less than a dumpster full of trash so far and I'm less than half way through! Bless his heart!

The black eye from my concussion is really yucky looking right now.....but....the worse it looks the better I tend to feel....go figure.

Hope all is well with all of you!
love,
grace


View Current Blog

The Talk

I appreciate all your comments and prayers concerning my dealings with #1 and Tulip. It's been very encouraging to me, even though....you know....this situation pretty much entails most of what you fear for your child. I don't think (maybe I have, can't remember) I've mentioned that Tulip is only 16. You'll have to read between the lines there....or maybe I can help you by saying that it's not just that I'm concerned about becoming a grandmother....I'm also not too fond of the idea of visiting my son in prison or pulling his picture up amongst registered sex offenders for the rest of his life. It's been tough.

But....we had the talk. I feel better. I actually think #1 and Tulip feel better. We had a great Mother's Day and #1 wrote in my card..."I couldn't have a better Mom than you." So....considering all that's transpired in the past few weeks....I'd say that's a major affirmation from him. On the other hand, if he knew I were writing about all this on the world wide web....I'm sure he'd have a few other choice words for me. But....this blog is about ME. Not him. He just happens to be a major piece of my struggle right now. And yet, I may delete all of this stuff about him before long.....if I get to thinking about it too much. I don't know.

That's where I am right now, today. That's all I got right now. (yes, i know that's a grammatical error)

love,
grace




View Current Blog

Concussion

We had a bit of excitement in our household yesterday afternoon. The name "grace" was never intended to refer to my deftness of movement. I've always been a bit accident prone. In fact, as "graceful" as I may appear in the spiritual sense, you could probably take to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum to describe me physically. (tdub, i see that grin)

Yesterday, as my last class was leaving for the day I walked back into my room to raise the overhead screen. It's housed in a heavy metal casing and hangs from the ceiling by clamps and metal "s" rings that attach to the metal ceiling grid. I tugged as usual to get the screen to retract back into the casing. I was standing to one side of the screen, not in front of it. The whole thing came unattached at the opposite end from me, swung down, and bonked me in the left temple. It knocked me to my knees but I never lost consciousness. I stumbled out of my room and did my best not to cry....but dang....it HURT! The band teacher happened to be out in the hallway, saw me there, took one look at the goose egg on my head, and literally ran to the office for more help. I'd managed to stumble my way to a chair that was sitting just outside my door. I wish I had video of each person's face who came down to look at me. The fact that I recall them is a very good sign, actually. They'd take one look, make a slight gasp and their eyes would widen. They helped me to the nurses office and began the process of getting me in to the school doctor who takes care of our workmen's comp. incidents.

The doctor did a thorough check or my neurological responses, determined that it was a slight concussion and sent me home with some medicine for headache. The swelling had gone WAY down by this morning and I went to school feeling fine. After lunch sometime today I started to sink. Right now I feel pretty YUCK. But, according to the doctor and what I googled about mild concussion this is pretty normal. And, I'm obviously not so bad off I can't type coherently. At least I assume this is coherent. Let me know if we need to call 911! ha!

Anyway.....my advice now, to anyone else who suffers a similar fate, would be to take the next day off, lie around, and milk it for all it's worth.

grace

View Current Blog

Goodness

It's been quite the afternoon. I can't write about it yet. I'm still reeling from it emotionally and need to process a bit more....I haven't even processed through it with Tdub yet. I will write about it later. I did have "the talk" with son#1 and Tulip. More on that later.

Here's a question. Please comment. Let me know what you think about this. What if.....we are born not really sexually attracted to any certain gender in particular. What if.....we are born with certain personality traits and temperament.....and.....according to the way we are raised (or, "yanked up" as I've humorously heard it put), we develop our sexuality. There's such a myriad of sexual preferences out there. Really. That would explain genetics and biology playing a factor and dispell the issue of there actually being a "choice", wouldn't it? Maybe not. I'm just, again, thinking out loud (in type) here.

Gotta run.

Keep praying for me...I DO appreciate it.

love to all,
grace



View Current Blog

The Talk (at least part of it)

I ended up having a talk only with #1 son. Not the girlfriend as well. It just turned out better that way for the time being. But...I fully intend to talk with her and look forward to this happening possibly this Wednesday. I expect to actually get more out of her, as far as actual words spoken, than I did my son. For some reason, boys seem to stop speaking in complete sentences (or sentences which contain more than 5 words) somewhere around the age of 13 or 14....and then seem to begin to come out of that....uh....well...I'll let you know when they completely emerge from it. It hasn't happened yet here.....which means we currently have two children who rarely utter complete sentences. This sounds really great....but...this is actually the TIME when complete sentences would be INFORMATIVE as opposed to ANNOYING. Funny how that works. (on a side note, aren't we glad that I've regained a sense of humor over the whole thing?? a good sign, no?)

Here's the gist of the conversation we had: (i'll refer to girlfriend as Tulip because that's one of my favorite flowers and she really is that pretty)

Me: So. I've talked with Tulip's mom.
Son: I KNOW Mom.
Me: She told me about what happened at their house.
Son: I KNOW that. Are you gonna tell me something I DON'T know?
(the respect he has for me, i know, is overwhelming)
Me: (firmly) You know, you need to watch your attitude here.
Son: Okay.
Me: I'm surprised that you were complaining that her parents just don't "know" you. Why would they want to know you after what you've done?
Son: I know Mom. I know I screwed up.
Me: But TWICE???? This has happened TWICE??? I have a hard time with that. Why in the world would they want to give you another chance or even care anything about you? (interrupting me)
Son: Ok Mom. I got that. I screwed UP! I know I totally screwed up!
Me: I understand you care about Tulip. I get that. But if you REALLY care about her, then you will respect her, and respect her parents. You will abide by THEIR rules.
Son: Are you going to tell me anything I don't know already?
Me: I guess not.
(big pause)
Son: I know Mom. I know.
Me: What about the sex? You know it's not right. Are you at least making sure she doesn't get pregnant?
(this REALLY makes him uncomfortable)
Son: I don't even care about that. I don't want to do that anymore, that's not what I care about.
Me: I hear that. But....are you making SURE she doesn't get pregnant?
Son: MOM!
Me: ARE YOU???
Son: YES!!!
Me: Okay. Well, you know what I think about all of it. I still want to talk with Tulip. And maybe talk with the two of you together.
Son: Okay. (at this point he just wants me to shut up so badly that he'll say ANYTHING)
Me: Okay.

And that's all I got for now. I feel better....even though I still feel horrible about the whole thing. I've emailed back and forth with Tulip's mother a few times. I expect the conversation with Tulip to go much smoother than the one with my son. How ironic is that? However, what I'm still very realistic about is this.....even though Tulip may talk a better game than #1....it's still just a gamble at this point and I have no control over any of it. And THIS....is parenting.

Please keep praying.

grace




View Current Blog

Tough Times

I can't convey to you how much I wish I had something cute and funny to write about.

But I don't.

What do you do with an 18 (almost 19) yr.-old son who is sexually active with his teenage girlfriend? I'll let you know when I figure it out. We're having a sit-down talk this afternoon.

Oh.....and this whole thing was precluded by a father (his father) who about a year ago told him he thought it would be better if he had sexual experience with girls before marriage. I'm not sure what quality or virtue was working in him (the father, my ex-husband) when he called me up later to let me know that this was the advice he'd just given our son. He stated that he thought he'd better let me know since he knew I wouldn't agree with the advice. I replied, "well....thanks," and got off the phone as quickly as I could before running my car off the road and into a ditch. He's lucky I didn't drive it straight to his place of business and ram right through the front glass window. I did speak to my son about the advice his father had given him and he assured me, at that time, that he had no intention of becoming sexually active. I told him then, "You know, it's going to be very difficult, when you do find yourself in a certain situation at some point, not to take your dad's advice. I'm afraid the things I'm telling you now are not going to be the over-riding voice that's playing in your head at that time." I was right.

So. Pray that I'll have wisdom. I love my son with my whole being. I'm sad that we're having this talk and yet I feel I must discuss these things with him. His girlfriend is coming too. My love for her is also intense and I hurt for her that she's given herself away to my son this way. And yet, I know it's very common.

The question I'm asking myself now is "What do you hope to accomplish by having such a conversation with them?" Realistically, I can't make them stop having sex. And yet, hopefully I can give them a more realistic grasp of the gravity of their actions as it could and does affect their future, with or without each other. They have crossed a line that isn't easily redrawn. I also hope to show them what it looks like to love one another even when the choices of your loved ones don't line up with God's plan. And maybe give them some strategies for holding themselves accountable should they decide to reclaim the purity of their relationship.

It's been a 48 hrs. The fact that I even know all of this is due to some things that my son did which completely destroyed any trust her parents may have had in him. But they are being very gracious, considering the circumstances.

Just pray for me.

grace


View Current Blog

When Gay Friends Get Married

This post will be unsettling to some. That's okay. If you are "unsettled" by it, just click "next blog" or try and remember something I've written that you really liked a whole bunch and think about that.

My friend Brady is getting married. He and his partner are registered at Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond. What should we do with that? What do people who love as Christ loves do with this?

Here's the deal. Brady knows EXACTLY what I believe about his "gayness". Brady was one of the first commenters to my blog and he writes his own blog which is sometimes personal and more often deals with politics as it concerns gay culture. He has been kind to me from the very beginning and he and I have established a "blog friendship". I'm certain that our friendship has caused each of us to "change" at least subtly in the way we deal with others even though we may not have changed significantly in our worldview. Basically, he's still doing what he does and I'm still doing what I do. And yet, we are friends. And I care about Brady. I'd even like to send a gift to Brady. *gasp!* How can that be???? Wouldn't sending a wedding gift to Brady be the same as condoning the marriage???? Would this not send the message that you think same sex relationships are a very good and desirable thing????

DUH........NO......BRADY KNOWS WHAT I THINK ABOUT SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS. BRADY KNOWS THAT I BELIEVE GOD DID NOT DESIGN HUMAN BEINGS TO HAVE SEX WITH THE SAME GENDER. HE GETS THAT.

And yet, I care about Brady. I love Brady. I want good things for Brady. And....believe it or not, I'm happy for the excitement that I know Brady is feeling, the anticipation of this special event, the depth of emotion that I recognize which is contained in the fact that he is going to actually MARRY this guy. This is a huge deal. And because I can LOVE BRADY even if I don't love his actions that I deem sinful.....I can congratulate him, I can smile when I read about his engagement, I can even buy him a gift. I SEE his happiness in this moment and I am happy with him.

God will judge Brady. God will judge ME...and YOU. God may very well judge me and you based on how we treat those like Brady even when we don't agree with them.

grace



View Current Blog

Community and Confession

So. Let's say I'm building a community here. A community of individuals who confess Jesus Christ as their savior. Jesus died for our sins. Yes, I'm a sinner. Yes, I need help(salvation) to be able to make it in the world God created for me. The sin in my life prevents me from being whole and able to fully enjoy the fullness of God's ultimate creation....which was created for ME and my ultimate pleasure and enjoyment. Every good thing ever created was created for me and my pleasure....and yet....sin (rejection of God and His plan) entered the world and now I'm stuck in the middle. I'm stuck in a world where sin rules and where following God and His original intent for me goes against the "bent" of natural man.

How do we build the community of believers in the midst of a world "bent" towards sinfulness?

I think we do that by being transparent enough to confess our sin struggles to one another. We let each other know exactly what it is we need help with. We don't hide from the sin that besets us. We bring it out in the open. We let each other KNOW, so that we can LOVE one another and minister to one another. We don't "police" the sin of our brothers and sisters. We LOVE each other in the sinful state in which we find ourselves....and we all admit that we are SINNERS. We all struggle. We all sin. We have given sin too high a place in our culture. It's held in such high esteem that we run and hide from it. We need to bring it down to where we LIVE and breathe and break it's power by exposing it to the light of DAY....the light of CHRIST.

I will begin. I will begin right here and now by being transparent and open with everyone who reads this blog. I struggle. I struggle with the sin of drunkenness. I've not succubmed to it recently.....but...it's a struggle for me. I enjoy a glass of wine with friends now and then. I enjoy a glass of wine (or two) :) in the evenings after school. And yet, if I'm not careful, I can easily turn one or two glasses of wine into three or four. And that's too many. I deal with this. I struggle with this. God is calling me toward holiness where this is concerned. It's very difficult for me to share this. And yet, I feel called and compelled to share the difficult things. My goodness....look at what I've exposed about Tdub just by the very fact of my blog! How dare I be so prideful as to not share some of my own struggles when I've written an entire blog based on his! What a wretched person I'd be otherwise.

No, we don't have to share sins, tit for tat. It's not like that. And, since sins don't have measure in God's eyes, it's only a human thing...it's just US....that we make such a big deal out of one sin over another. God doesn't do that. Basically, He just keeps loving us not matter what we're dealing with. He's just so awesome that way.

My point is this. We need to build a community of believers where we can share our struggles without fear of condemnation. We need to be able to be transparent with one another so that we can minister to and LOVE one another with the love of Christ. Then, and only then, will we be able to go OUT into the world and SHARE THE LOVE OF CHRIST. We need to understand what His love looks like WITHIN the body....and then take that same love OUTSIDE the body.

It looks like, to me, that so many "religious" folks are too worried about getting everything "just right", and not at all concerned about loving people in whatever situation they find them. Jesus loved us FIRST....WHILE WE WERE SINNERS.

grace





View Current Blog