Sunday, May 06, 2018

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.-Tom Petty

I've discovered that I enjoy creating little wooden peg doll people. I enjoy it so much that I wanted to figure out WHY? So far, the best answer I've come up with is that I never really wanted to stop being a kid. I still long for a childhood that's carefree and supportive of imagination and curiosity. Don't get me wrong. I had a perfectly fine childhood. My parents gave me everything (and more) that a child needs in order to grow into a healthy, self-sustaining, responsible member of society. I don't believe for one second that they knew or understood what was going on in my head. In fact, my mother stated as much on numerous occasions, "I have no idea what goes on in that head of yours!"

When I was a kid, some of my favorite friends were younger than me, and some were cousins.  Playing with my younger cousins was one of my very favorite things to do. I enjoyed their different toys and their willingness to play pretend games that I usually made up. I could sort of be in charge and have fun at the same time which is pretty much exactly what I do now as an elementary art teacher.

The problem was holding on to those carefree aspects of childhood for more than brief periods of time because fear flowed through my little child veins like Koolaid(TM) through a silly straw.

 My nightly prayers to Jesus were the place I attempted to work through some of my fearful thoughts. I'd ask Jesus to forgive me for not wanting the rapture to happen until after I'd turned 16 and could drive. And as long as I was being honest, I'd have to admit to Jesus that I'd also really enjoy being able to grow up and go to college, get married, and have a family. You get the idea, Jesus. It's nothing personal. Really. Then I'd promise to be a good witness for Him and bring other people to the Lord if I got the chance. Just please wait and don't come back until I get to do more stuff. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Did I mention that I was eight years old when I started these  prayer discussions with Jesus? EIGHT. An eight-year-old living in constant fear that the rapture was about to happen or already had happened. My contingency plans for being "left behind" were to immediately try calling my Granny W in Sulphur since she didn't go to church and was probably also left behind. I figured she'd probably not know any better and go ahead and get the Mark of the Beast, so at least she and PaPa W would be able to buy food for us after the Antichrist took control of everything. As a second back-up plan, I knew my PaPa M (on my mom's side) would also be left behind, but he was known to be a little crazy, and I knew I'd much prefer sitting on my PaPa W's lap for comfort during 7 years of tribulation. I'll admit it all sounds comical now. I can laugh about it, thank the lord. But it wasn't a bit funny at the time. Maybe it sounds like the worries of a child that wasn't too bright, but I'd argue it was just the opposite. 

Believe it or not, the ever-present fear of the rapture wasn't my biggest source of concern as a child. It wasn't even in the top two. My number one fear as a child was of the devil and his angels. Which may actually count as two fears. It's hard to keep up. My 2nd biggest fear was accidentally committing the unpardonable sin. There were lots of opinions about exactly what WAS the unpardonable sin, but my fear was mostly based on the fact that such a sin existed at all. I'm quite comfortable stating that I heard as many sermons, lessons, and studies about the devil, hell, and things like the unpardonable sin growing up as I did about Jesus. In truth, probably way more.

Maybe it was my own fault for taking the things I learned at church so literally. Why couldn't I have been more like a "normal" kid and just pick my nose or stick chewed-up pieces of gum under the pews during sermons? Why did I listen to messages in tongues and interpretations as if it was God himself speaking? Where'd I get a crazy idea like that?

I was always asking questions. I can't tell you how many Sunday School teachers I've heard make that very comment to my parents about me, "She sure asks a lot of questions!" But there were always answers with a Bible reference to back it up. And the people teaching me were loving, kind, and supportive. The preacher at our church was a wonderful person. A good man. It was obvious that he actually cared about the people at church. Why wouldn't I believe him? Or them?

But if everything they said was true, that's a LOT to worry about for a little kid. A smart little kid. A curious little kid.

A trusting, gullible little kid.

It's shameful.








Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,
pam


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Saturday, March 31, 2018

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. - Robert Frost

It seems like people get the most personally upset and worried about my being agnostic because of the implication that being agnostic means I no longer believe in heaven.

Yes. I realize that part sucks.

We desperately want to know that we'll once again see those people we've lost or never had the chance to really know during the time we were here.

We want so desperately to experience some form of "happily ever after."

I get that.

But when that "happily every after" MUST include a majority of people burning in everlasting torment forever and ever....which is what the bible narrative explicitly states according to every single Christ-based church I've ever been a part of....

I'm out.

I just can't do it. I'm not sure how this all ends, but I refuse to believe that MOST people will end up burning and tormented forever and ever for all eternity.

Nope.

Watching T-dub attempt to change himself into a person worthy of heaven made me see myself in the same way. None of us are worthy of heaven because it's not a real place. And neither is hell. THANK GOD.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,
pam

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Sunday, January 14, 2018

The big broad line between love and hate.

My reflections about the things I initially wrote on this blog center around religion and gayness. I don't know if those things are somehow related to my purpose in life, but I do know that those two things have collided in my consciousness in a way that's caused me to rethink the foundations upon which my upbringing was based.

I was taught to hate gay people. That's a strong statement because no one ever told me explicitly that I should hate gay people. However, I was taught (from a very young age and for as long as I can remember) that gay people are an abomination in the eyes of God. My own mother is alive to this day and continues to demonstrate that she believes this. She REALLY believes it. Bless her heart.

I bear no ill will toward my mother. I love her and have done what I can to ensure that her existence remains comfortable and as happy as it seems she's capable of being.

Nevertheless, she taught me that I should hate gay people. But, here's a truth: WHAT YOU TEACH isn't necessarily WHAT THEY LEARN. I was taught to hate gay people, but I learned to love them instead. Her hatred fed a curiosity in me. And in learning to love gay people, I learned to love pretty much everyone in general. All people. Including myself. (My dad actually taught me that last part.)

People deserve to be loved in ways that teach them to love themselves because no one chooses to be born into this world. And sometimes, by the time we're able to make choices on our own, we've been screwed over by the choices of others so profoundly that we can barely overcome it. My mother once screamed at me, "You don't know how to love!" so I decided to spend the rest of my life proving her wrong. It was a great decision. I stand by it.

As I look back, I see now that this story with Todd is really just MY story. Proving that I do indeed know how to LOVE.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,
pam

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Monday, January 01, 2018


 THIS IS what TODD SAID TO ME PUBLICLY regarding SEXUALITY...bless his heart...


Yeah, you really crystallized the issue … I mean, hell if I would write this stuff down,
(which i'm just still just afraid of--you know how i feel about the power of words) I think what might’ve come out of it is something like that … at least that’s how I would want you to perceive I was reasoning about myself and our marriage… which it seems you have although I say very little. … If that makes any sense at all.

Yeah, I have to admit that I don’t “get off” looking at opposite sex, boobs, etc….. so women in general, yeah, you’re right, although I appreciate their beauty and characteristics and nature.

And about you, yeah, I get that.
I do feel that way—bcz I’m in love with YOU and attracted to all the components OF you that MAKE YOU a woman, including the physical meldings of our male and female forms….

I mean, maybe some day I’ll start wanting to buy t***y mags…hahaa....

….but I’m content to be en eros with regard to ONE woman, my earthly companion. The one I was destined for all along. [Lucky you. :D]

And for me, the battle is such a head game. To appreciate and observe strength and beauty (male or female) vs. obsessing over personal inadequacies, feeling isolated, needing affirmation/touch, …. All of those things comprise my struggle each day.

Keeping that struggle in perspective; meeting needs in healthy ways—not by sexualizing or contextualizing or settling for “oh this is how I am”; recognizing my purpose in life (including struggle); and aye, even…dare I suggest…thanking God for where he’s grown me from…and to….

These are NOT mere mental posturings in response to the battle, rather they are viable weapons I can use in the fight for my masculinity, manhood, role as husband, father, and friend. As the whole man God intended.

You’re far more perceptive than I would have ever imagined; far more at peace and clear-thinking than I could ever have hoped; and provide much enc o u r a g ement for me to face this; deal with it; and perhaps come to embrace it fully. I mean, my gosh, to be able to even talk about this.

You’re truly amazing.

Ly






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And so, we begin.

It was a dark and stormy night.

How does one go from being a born-again Christ warrior Assemblies of God trained ambassador of everything Good and Holy and HEAVEN-BOUND...

to this.

???

What is this?

This. Is me.

I'm small and insignificant. But I'm still me. And I hope I'll do a good job this year of telling the story of how I got to be me. This format seems like a good way to do it, and I'm grateful that current technology makes this possible.

I'm an agnonstic believer of Jesus and His way of going about things.

Part of me can't believe that I felt compelled to preface everything I'm about to say this way.

Oh well.


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Friday, December 29, 2017

Place Holder

It's obvious to me that no one is reading any of this. Which ironically encourages me to keep sharing.

More tomorrow. I promise...(we'll all see how that goes)

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Sunday, December 03, 2017

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."-William Shakespeare

If you've stumbled onto this blog because you were searching for a good recipe for buttermilk pie, I apologize. I did post a recipe for it that brought a good deal of traffic to my blog back in the day. I always imagined someone making it, taking it to a gathering, and saying, "I got the recipe from some religious blog where the wife is married to a closeted gay guy. How's it taste?" And then everyone raves about how amazing it is because it is an amazing pie. I still make it for all our family gatherings and two of the boys fight over who gets more of it than the other.

Speaking of the family, here's an update on the status of our family: We still are one. That's really the most important thing. The details and particulars are important, but they don't matter as much as the fact that we remain committed to the well-being of one another through the practice of loving kindness toward one another in all circumstances and by all means we have available. Our family is like most families in that we don't all agree on everything, but fortunately that isn't a requirement for loving or being kind.

Here's an update on a few of the particulars:

I've been in a committed relationship with B for just about 5 years. I met him during that one time I lived in Wichita Falls. He's absolutely perfect for me and me for him. He's a musician (classically trained drummer and self-taught guitarist) and accountant-turned-teacher who is currently substitute teaching while completing TX certification requirements toward securing a full-time teaching position. He loves dogs, learning folk music on the guitar, and recently finished reading Tom Sawyer for the first time. That's my Dating Game description, but it's accurate.

Tdub married his partner Migs last July. I walked him down the aisle and gave him away. It was a sweet and satisfying moment seeing him so happy and finally able to have the wedding he truly deserves. One that ends with a best friend he's able to love and enjoy in all the ways that make being human so meaningful. Migs is such a beautiful person. It's an honor to have him in our family, and I can't imagine a more perfect match for Tdub.

The boys are all doing well. Three have partners/spouses, and we have 2 grandsons which brings the immediate family count up to 13. We were all together at our house (the home Bryan and I share) for Thanksgiving.

I've gone back to teaching art and I'm loving every minute of it. I learned many years ago that the secret to enjoying teaching is to enjoy the learning process itself. I still love learning, and I'm learning a LOT in this position. This is my first experience teaching Kindergarten which means that in my 29 years as an educator I've now taught all grades PK-8 in some capacity. I like that because it gives me a broader picture of where kids are headed and from where they've come. A big part of teaching is just being able to RELATE to kids. You have to go to where they are and bring them in to you if you're going to teach them anything.

I intend to write more about how and why I've decided to be Agnostic. Religion is, after all, just a decision. Just like love, kindness, respect, etc. It does me good to write about it, and maybe it will do someone else good to read my thoughts about it. But for today, I'll just leave this little update and get back to doing a ton of other things I need accomplish.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,
pam

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Sunday, October 29, 2017

And so. I come OUT on my blog as being Agnostic. I'm Agnostic.

I believe there's some sort of God, but I'm not willing to define it. That's Agnostic. That's what I am. And that's okay.

That's a pretty gigantic cliff to jump across. It leaves everything hanging. Just out there.

Agnostic.

Scary.






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