Saturday, December 31, 2005

Blog Assesment, Cont...

So, it's 6 months later and I'm assessing the purpose and motivation for continuing to blog. It's not that it takes an outrageous amount of time, as in, I'm not neglecting my family or job because of does take enough time that it's not something I should continue doing if it serves no purpose.

I mentioned yesterday that I didn't tell Tdub about my blog at first. It was a good decision. I think if he'd known about it from the start he'd have been worried each day about what I might say...or concerned that something he said or did would end up as some sort of "rant" plastered all over the internet. STRUGGLING HOMOSEXUAL HAS THE NERVE TO PISS OFF HIS WIFE...DOWNLOAD FULL DETAILS HERE. Like I said, he was one of the very first, if not THE first person (he feels certain this was all his idea!!) to suggest I start blogging. I liken his suggesting it to the 4th of July when we buy the boys one of those humongous artillery-type fireworks that looks like we might be ready to take out an entire village and has a fuse cord thick enough to support swinging bridges. We light that sucker, run like heck as far away as we can get, then crouch down and hope that something awesome and beautiful happens as opposed to something that comes after you, leaving you squealing in anguish or blinded and maimed for the rest of your life. It's a risk.

I'd been blogging for about a month and a half when I got an email from this guy I'll call "Joe". (not his real name) Joe was a single Christian guy who was enjoying my blog and wanted to correspond a little and ask me a few questions. Specifically, he wanted a woman's perspective on some questions he had about his own struggle with unwanted same sex attraction. This was where things began to get tricky. I'd felt like I needed to tell Tdub about the blog just a few days before I got this email from Joe. After a few emails back and forth with Joe...there was no DOUBT in my mind that Tdub HAD to know. The blog had suddenly taken on a sort of life of it's own and in forming an actual real life friendship because of it, I was close to crossing into territory no one should venture into when you are married. I'm not talking about anything sexual. I'm speaking of giving time, effort, energy and emotional support to something outside the marriage. I believe anything of that nature becomes adultery if you allow it to. And so....I told Tdub about the blog. I FWDed all the corrspondence I'd had with Joe to him and caught him up completely on the entire process. He (Tdub) was in awe, inspired, supportive, and completely happy about it. He loved having a body of work to read so that he could get a feel for what sort of blog it was and the sort of things I wrote about. No rants about my homosexual husband...*whew*!!

We ended up meeting "Joe" in person about a month ago. It was awesome and we now consider him to be one of our dearest friends. When you share struggles of this nature and God brings you together and blesses your's amazing how quickly you can become bonded in Him. That's what we have with "Joe", a brotherhood in Christ brought about by common pain. And together, we have common JOY.

And that's why I started blogging in the first place. Because I felt I'd lost or hadn't been able to find the JOY that I knew God had for me.

I asked Tdub what his perceptions of my blogging did he percieve it had been of help or not to me? He said that he believed the blog had opened lines of communications between us that had not existed before. It has become easier for him to trust that he can talk with me about some difficult subjects because of the things he's read in my blog. Trust is difficult for all of us. Just imagine the issues of difficulty that would exist if you were a married male who struggled with unwanted same sex attractions.

The assesment of the blog is that it has been a very good thing for me and it's something I should continue for the time being. I love being part of the community of bloggers in the little circle of friends I've made since I started blogging. And some, like Ben, who I've been interacting with long before I had my own blog.

I do not blog because I think someone will be changed or convinced of anything because of what I say. I blog for me. It helps me. I do love interacting with people who comment, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I wish more people would comment because as much as I hate that it works this way, it is rather affirming to know that someone heard you and had something to say about it, even if they don't necessarily agree with you. So, if you've thought about commenting and you haven't, please do! :) But if you don't, that's fine too. :)

in Him,

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Friday, December 30, 2005

Blog Assessment

I don't make New Year's resolutions....I do well just to continue in my resolve to the commitments I already have going. But the New Year is a good time to reflect and assess the value of things. I've been blogging since last July and it's a good time to assess the progression of my "blog life" so that I maintain right motives and purposes.

I began last July during a bit of an emotional depression. Things were fine as far as our marriage...but...we were having major battles between Tdub and #4 at that time...butting heads to the point of "something's gotta give" and it was beginning to take it's toll on every member of the family. I'd spend huge amounts of time thinking about all the different relationships in our family and the way they played off each other, affected me and my outlook, and ultimately determined the overall "climate" of the house. So much to think about; same-sex-attracted husband, four boys, absent first-wife/"mother", ex-husband, son leaving for college in CA, estranged relationship with my parents.....and on and on it seemed to go.

Tdub had been suggesting to me for a long time (months, possibly a year) that I do more writing and that a blog would be good for me. He knew I frequented some blogs and enjoyed a certain sense of "community" in that format. My own blog had also been suggested to me numerous times within the community of bloggers I'd come to associate with. And day back in July, during a week when all the boys were busy with camps and out of my hair for long days on end, I started my own blog.

I didn't tell Tdub about it. I decided up front that I certainly WOULD tell him, but that I wanted to build up a body of "work" before sharing it with him so that he would be able to get a sense of what blogging looked like for me and then be able to tell me honestly whether or not he was still comfortable with my doing it. That was a good decision as it turned out but did become a bit "tricky" right before I actually revealed it to him. I'll get to that. :)

About a week after I'd begun the blog, I made a visit to our therapist. I'd taken #4 to see him the week before and Tdub had been in to discuss the issues he and #4 were having. I went in to talk with him (the therapist) about how things were going with #4 and to basically "catch up" with him in general. He finally stopped me in the middle of my relating and asked, "What do YOU need? How can I help YOU?" I sort of broke down a little and told him that I just felt like I was missing the JOY I'd had in the past. I had no doubts that God was at work and completely in charge of our lives and our marriage, but that I just didn't feel like I was JOYFUL. I knew that JOY has nothing to do with circumstance and I believed I'd found contentment but still lacked JOY. His assessment of the situation, after a bit more discussion of my thought patterns and habits, was that I was thinking too much. Not really worrying, just thinking. He asked me if I'd ever thought about writing down my thoughts in something like a blog? I answered, "yes, I've thought about it." Not revealing to him that I'd thought about it to the point of beginning to do it just 10 days prior. He continued, "I think you should start your own blog and write about your thoughts and feelings. You need to get things OUT and this would be a good format for you." He also suggested that I do more out loud praying (like in the car when I'm alone) and begin praying more with my voice than with my mind.
I agreed and assured him that I'd try all these things.

That was almost 6 months ago. And here I am. I have more to write, obviously, but, Tdub is on his way home from the gym right now and we are going on a DATE/SHOPPING trip! woo hoo! We have Christmas money and a P.F.Chang gift card just burning holes in our pockets. I asked him earlier to give me his perceptions of the effects the blog has had on me/our relationship and I have some of my own things to relate about that as well. I'll continue with that tomorrow.

Blogging as therapy. Go figure. :)


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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Number Four

#4 is not doing so well as an only child this week. It's odd, because he's usually the most self-centered of the four. You'd think he'd be reveling in the individual attention he's able to get at this time. Actually, I think he did....for the first 2 days or so. But after the freedom of having all the milk he wants subsided a bit, things began to go downhill. What at first glance appeared to be a heyday of milk-ful, rivalry-free, not-being-interrupted-when-talking bliss, has turned into a lonely what-good-are-these-new-football-pads-when-there's-no-one-to-hit nightmare. It's probably one of the best things that could ever happen to him. As the most reflective of the bunch I feel pretty sure he'll appreciate the brothers much more when they return. College boy is rarely seen. Oh yeah...he did show up for a bit last night...needing gas money. He's supposed to take #4 to a friend's house today to experience the new XBox360. I don't hassle #1 much about anything but if he lets his little brother down on that I'm going to give him "what for".

For now, it's back to cleaning the explosion that appears to have happened throughout the house as I'm a little over half-way done with the Christmas clean-up. It turned into a bit more extensive a project because I decided to re-organize (wait, organize because the former implies there was some sort of organization in the first place) the little shed where all the Christmas stuff is stored.

Back to it.


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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Back Home

*big sigh*

This is one of those times when I'm MOST grateful for the 2-week break we get as teachers. I can't imagine those poor mothers back at work right now...having to leave the chaotic remainders of decorations, gift exchanges, and travel mess that's left behind. While it's a bit overwhelming, at least I know that I have the rest of this week to either take care of it myself or go into complete drill-sergeant mode and rally what's left of the troops here to help me put it all away. I'll do it all myself just because it's easier and I hate yelling. Tdub will be very offended by my compassion only for mothers in this post. That's because he's one of the rare men who will actually help and take care to help with all of this mess. I know good and well that's not the case in most homes.

Originally, we were looking forward to a great deal of "alone" time during this week. We naively thought that with the two in FL, we'd send #4 to spend the entire week with his dad here in town, and we'd be free. That plan hasn't worked out quite to our advantage but it looks like we may get a bit of a reprieve for at least this one evening. The boys are all old enough to be here without us but no one wants to be alone in the house, least of all #4.

Right now there's plenty to do so I'll get to it. Tdub has all ready made a huge dent in the reorganization of his closet (he saves those huge men's shoe boxes, augh!) and if I sit here much longer typing the guilt will kill me! ;)


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Sunday, December 25, 2005


We're still here with my folks. It's incredible. It's been like a normal family who loves and cares for each other sort of Christmas! I feel really horrible right now for that cynical post from yesterday. Shame on me.

Thanks for the prayers. If there were some way I could convey in this space, with just the words I have in my brain, how it's been compared to how it used to be....well...I'd do it.

I guess the fact that we're here for an extra night says it all.

We've heard from the two guys in FL. They called us from an alligator farm today. I can't imagine a place like that being open on Christmas day but apparently it was. Odd, huh? They sounded great and we were both relieved to hear from them.

The only person not too thrilled about staying here the extra night is Mr.18-yr.-old who apparently has "pressing engagements" back home. Whatever. I'm half-inclined to "kidnap" him and hold him here for the ransom of getting that head of hair of his cut about 5 inches shorter! Yep, it's that long.

#4 has even been exceptionally bearable during this visit. As the master manipulator of the 4 he's been known to try and "work it" a bit when we're here with the grandparents.

Tdub is in media heaven and completely enjoying having full control of the remote as my dad tends to doze off in his recliner pretty early on. We get just enough TV during times like this to enjoy it and yet remind us of all the reasons we continue to resist signing up for it. I think I'll go have another dessert!


Saturday, December 24, 2005

Heading Out

We're leisurely getting ready this morning to make the 3-hr. trek to my parent's house straight north of here. Things have taken a surprising turn for the better as of late regarding them. Of course, after the history we have, it's difficult to trust that it will last...but hey...I'm convinced God can redeem ANY situation so I need to shut up and accept the goodness.

Basically, Tdub has had 2 very friendly email exchanges with MY MOTHER! Just feel free to load those capital letters in that last sentence with whatever amount of shock and awe you can muster. Who knew. There was actual eye contact and a bit of conversation at Thanksgiving....could an outright hug be far behind??? Oh the wonder of it all. Again, I feel compelled by my Christian humility to state that we certainly carry a bit of the fault regarding the demise of this relationship....but not that much. ;) We are human after all and in the beginning of the marriage, when it all "went to hell" pretty much, I said a few things to my mom and dad that I shouldn't have. But I've apologized for that....even though it was never accepted as an actual apology. Go figure. I think they were looking for something more in the line of an actual divorce from Tdub as an apology to them. I'm just speculating.

Oh the cynicism. Keep us in your prayers. HO. HO. HO. Here we go.


Friday, December 23, 2005

Day After Rambling

It's "the day after" for us and the two middle guys have safely arrived in FL. They're old enough that they'd call if things really started going downhill for some reason. But still, even at that, they're a long long way from home. The opportunities to trust God around this house just never stop! I'm sure that's true at every household...but geez...sometimes it does seem like we've been extra blessed with crap to place in God's hands. (yuck! that didn't sound good...but really...i think it's a pretty good analogy of how He cares for us...He's willing to take care of our crap) Not gonna whine (even though maybe I just did).

My heart is warmed for this reason. Yesterday's giftings included a (slightly used) Playstation2 for #3, new TV and XBOX football game for #4, and the illustrious Ipod Nano for #2. College boy got wakeskating stuff...some special handle thing, rope, shoes...junk like that. I'm so thankful that Tdub is such a shopping freak and enjoys surfing and searching until every last one of them has what they want for the absolute best deal he's able to find.

ANYWAY....I'm encouraged that at the end of the day....for at least 2 solid hours...the little guys played with nothing but their 97 cent Slinkys that were in their stockings. You have no idea how deafening the sound of 3 slinkys plopping down a 120-yr.-old wooden staircase can be. Not to mention the resulting woots and hollars as eventually they achieved the grand fete of causing a slinky to go from top to bottom without stopping. I think the trick is a combination of the release and the position of landing on the first stair.

This exchange occurred just a bit ago, after having fixed one of my outrageously wonderful grilled cheese sandwiches for Sons #1 and #4....

#4 (the baby/brat!) exhales great big and says: "Awwww Mom, I feel so free."
Me: Really?
#4: "Yep. (brother3) is gone and I can have all the milk I want."
Me: "I didn't realize we had a milk problem around here."
#4: "Yeah! He HOGS the milk ALL the time!"

I hope #3 is in FL feeling the free and simple pleasure of his own milk jug as well. Brothers.


Junk Email

Am I the only one whose junk email folder suddenly started overflowing as soon as it turned December??? And it's still going. AS IF I'm going to suddenly respond to one of those things now that it's Christmas.

Enlarge your p(rivates)...hmmm...that'd make the perfect gift for dear old dad. Gee, I'm glad that showed up in my email.



Thursday, December 22, 2005

Growing Up, Holding On, Being Redeemed

Having an "adult" child is cool. I love it. It's still quite odd-feeling but, mostly, it's great. He's still a teenager and, in actuality, has quite a ways to go before reaching REAL adulthood. But then, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone".(ha)I'm at least wise enough to know that reminding him that he's still a child and dependent on me does little in the way of encouraging him toward complete independence and manhood. This, to me, seems to be one of the greatest differences between how things used to be and how they are now; he is allowed more freedom with which to completely screw up his life. Not that I think he will screw up but he can choose to make the most of his opportunities or squander them. It appears to me that he has absolutely NO notion of the influence he has on others or the ramifications of his specific choices. I think the difference between my attitude toward this and ALOT of other parents I know is that I, for some unknown reason, find this to be completely normal. Or at least WELL within the range of what IS normal for a young man his age. I also discovered a few years back that the easiest way to get him to make a good decision is to allow him the opportunity to work through the process of a bad decision by making decisions on his own. So, I've been preparing for this time.

Another thing I have going for me in the way of remaining calm and collected during this time with him is the life experience of the last 6 years with Tdub. I am absolutely positive that God does work and move on our behalf and that His plans for us are for good, not evil. I absolutely believe that even when things look desperate, God is in control. I know these things because I have lived them. Our marriage is a miracle. It was not an immediate miracle like the water-to-wine thing, but it IS a miracle nonetheless.

I have not spoken here of the desperate times we went through or the circumstances surrounding my discovery of Tdub's issues. I dare not even mention the "word" which gave me Biblical grounds for leaving the marriage. Maybe one day I'll write all that down, but not in a format like this and not unless I feel specifically moved by God to do so. Just know that it was heavy, dark, cold, and long.

The darkness lasted about 31/2 years. I felt that God was far from me, as if I cried out to Him in vain. As if I were destined for suffering and pain, always wanting just a little more from life than I'd ever be able to achieve. But I held on. For the first time in my life, I learned to hold on to God and I didn't let go. I learned to TRUST in Him when I could not see a clear way through. My now 18-yr.-old son watched me struggling, suffering, and holding on. He told me at one point that he didn't understand why I was staying THIS time when I'd left the first time. I was honest with him and told him that maybe if I'd been trusting God as I should have back then (with his dad) I'd have been able to hold on then as well. I apologized to him for leaving his dad and asked him to trust that I was doing the right thing this time. His reply was, "No Mom, I don't think you should be with Dad. That's not what I mean." Then I knew what he meant. He just wanted my hurt to stop. I asked him then to please just trust me and trust in God most of all. I told him that I knew that God had a plan and was working things for our good. And he said "okay". He didn't like it much, but he agreed. He was about 15 at that time.

I can't help but believe that these experiences, this testament to faith played out before his eyes has had to have had an impact on him. He, being the oldest, has probably had as close a perspective as anyone could outside the two of us, concerning the progression of this marriage. Believe me, there have been some ugly, ugly times. As many instigated by me and my poor choices in dealing with pain as by Tdub and his natural resistance to dealing with his. And yet, God was in every bit of it. I'm convinced.

I've shared this with Tdub before so I know it won't offend him. But I SO admire guys like Ben, Randy, and Rob. These guys are all single and struggling with same sex desires which are at odds with their desires for traditional families. And they have HOPE and a FUTURE because they are seeking God and determined to find those desires fulfilled in Him, at His leisure, in His time. They are not forcing themselves into lives they aren't quite ready for but stepping slowly, surely, and yet boldly forward in their quest for holiness and the fullness that awaits them.

I did not intend to write this sort of post. Goodness. But maybe someone needed to hear it or more likely I just needed to write it. *whew* OH...I feel I should mention, the "word" that gave me grounds for leaving is NOT homosexuality. Gayness or homosexuality are NOT my enemy any more than my gay friends are my enemies. In fact, while I am passionate about the things I speak of here regarding gay issues, etc., I don't consider our story a story about homosexuality at all. It's a story about redemption. About God's ability to redeem any and all situations for His good and His glory. Redeemed, redeemed, his child and forever I am.


Our Christmas Morning

We finished our Christmas morning here a little while ago. I'm stuffed from the huge breakfast casserole I made and the boys are all playing contentedly with their new video games and ipod Nano. (do you play with an ipod nano?)

We're waiting for Tdub's 77-yr.-old mother to arrive. She couldn't pull herself away from her morning hair appt. to get here for the actual event. She's 77. She does what she wants...which is fine with me....but you can imagine the disgust with which Tdub views her "stong-willed" behavior. I find it quite funny! I don't mean to make her out to be a careless person. Not at ALL. She's just one of those over-bearing Texas women (if you have any concept of that) who likes things her own way. She can never stand to be truly retired and 4 years ago opened a restaurant in a small town near here which consumes most of her time. It's only open Thursday-Saturday but she somehow has managed to tear herself away (only by closing it) for the Christmas holiday. However, this hair appointment was made before we let her know about our Christmas morning being today...and so....well...gotta get that hair fixed, ya know. Mind you, there will be no cutting involved in this effort...but much hair spray I assure you. She still calls it the "beauty shop".

We love her and will enjoy her visit. To me, the fact that she didn't rearrange her hair appointment and make it here for our Christmas unveiling means that she is flexible enough not to have rigid expectations for our own comings and goings on holidays. I like that. :) Tdub can give his own assessment in the comments if he wishes, but he sees it quite differently. And he, unlike me, is not at all "entertained" by the bit of squabbling the two of them do now and then over these sorts of instances. ho. ho. ho.

The middle guys leave for FL first thing in the morning. Yikes! Waiting anxiously to see how that whole visit plays out.

I have more to blog about but I don't like long blogs so I'm stopping for now.


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Memory

Yesterday I morning I got up and went to run a few errands. When I came home the younger boys had, for some reason unbeknownst to me, trapped our black pug named Reggie in the kitchen. That's not a big deal. It just meant that they were possibly out riding bikes or down the street at the neighbors and wanted him contained instead of roaming freely about the house. As I removed the weight from the swinging butler's door and made my way, Reggie at my heels, into the family room, I heard them both yell in whispering voices from the front room, "Mom...get Reggie out of here!" I quickly turned and headed back toward the kitchen, resetting the large weight and trapping poor Reggie back in his prison.

I walked quietly into the front room to find them each laid out on a different sofa with their boxers on and blanket throws wrapped haphazardly around their bodies. They whispered intently, "There's a little bird in the Christmas tree and we've got him to come out to way up here. We've ALMOST touched him!" There was a little line of birdseed and bread crumbs on the floor where they'd been quietly luring him out from his warm perch in our 4000 light tree. It was so sweet to see them working so intently and purposefully on something that meant such a great deal to them. And particularly so in that it was something other than a video game or an internet search for the latest cheats for said video game.

Eventually they managed to lure the little fellow back outside and he went on his merry bird way. I'm thankful for the memory I have of them playing with him and the one I'm sure they'll carry into their adulthood and reminisce about.


Monday, December 19, 2005

Our Christmas

Christmas is going to be weird for us this year. Sons #2 and #3 (from Tdub's first marriage) are going to see their mom in FL for the first time in 4 years. Until a few months ago they hadn't actually spoken with her in 3 years. I have mixed emotions about them going and yet I'm the one who instigated the whole thing. I began an email conversation with her last summer. I did most of the "talking" and it seems she actually listened. She even thanked me over the phone for all I'd written. Basically, I gave her a heart-to-heart about the importance of her role as their mother and assured her that while there are many things I CAN do for them....I can never replace her. I told her that their identities and esteem were directly tied to her and when she doesn't let them know that she loves them and cares for them, it leaves an empty aching hole that NO ONE can fill during their chidhood except her. The hole eventually becomes a wound, and at that point, they'll only be able to overcome it with God's help. So now, arrangements have been made for their trip to FL. They leave this Friday morning and will be staying until New Year's Eve. I'm mostly happy for them because I know it's the very best thing that can happen for them. The apprehension I feel is not related to my relationship with them because I feel good about that. It's about their return trip home. I know it will be so difficult for them to leave her. I sense they have longed for her touch, her scent, her laugh. And they will be reminded of what they miss and be hurt to leave it. I hate to see them hurt...again....and yet, it's a bittersweet hurt if that makes sense.

We'll be having our family Christmas on Thursday (having made arrangements with Santa to have their gifts dropped off early). None of the boys actually believe in Santa anymore but they know how much fun Tdub and I have on Christmas Eve "playing" Santa. We love setting our their stuff in 4 distinct arrangements and watching them come down those rickety stairs with wide eyes and mouths agape. It's getting less and less that way, unfortunately, as they eventually become too cool to open their eyes very wide or give more than a little chuckle of affirmation when they see their "stash". The two little ones are still "unjaded" enough to carry on quite a bit. I miss the days of staying up until 2AM assembling plastic toys and figuring out where hundreds of tiny little stickers should be placed on tiny little figures, signs, roads, and such. But....not that much. :) Because I don't miss the REST of the year back then when I felt "trapped" with taking care of every meal, snack, playtime, bathroom moment, and nap.

Enough rambling. Hope your Christmas is merry and bright!


Saturday, December 17, 2005

On the Way Home

Son #1 is on his way home from California as I write. He and the roommate decided to make it a road trip which we were completely in favor of since it does not require as much depletion of the Christmas budget. They are in AZ right now having stayed the night with a Pepperdine buddy there. While I'm a bit disappointed that he didn't care for the Pepperdine experience, and probably even more disappointed in myself for not making him stick it out there for the entire year, I feel good about the experiences he's had and the fact that even a semester in a place VERY different from where he grew up will surely serve him well for the future. I even think this little road trip home will probably become one of his fondest memories as time goes by. He'll be going to school here in Texas next semester and is VERY MUCH looking forward to being back "home". I'm pretty sure at this point, that in years to come, I won't have to worry about THIS son taking my dear little grandchildren off to another state. I think he's convinced that Texas is the place to be! We shall see. Who knows what lies ahead for him? I'm enjoying watching and getting to be a part of guiding him along the way.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

We Did It!!

I just got the call this afternoon. We WON again! The Fort Worth Stock Show art contest! The stock show is not until January but the art competition is judged in advance and an awards luncheon will take place during the event. They will also display the over-all winning portfolio and selected other works in one of the halls during the stock show. I won't find out until late January if our school was chosen as the best in the elementary category or best over-all. Best elementary is a huge honor with the number of schools entering and best over-all almost always goes to a high school, usually ours. We are an "artsy" commumity with lots of support and encouragment for visual art and particularly western art. It's been through the encouragment and mentoring of our high school art teacher (over-all winner the last 16 of 17 years) that I've been able to become competitive in this show with my school. He's awesome. ANYWAY....I'm THRILLED to say the least! It's probably the most professionally affirming thing that can happen for me as an elementary art teacher.


Monday, December 12, 2005

Medium Ash Blonde

The musical was a great success last night. Tdub, being the only "straight male" character (as in not comical) in the play did his hair in a parted-to-the-side and combed-over doo. He had the whole Ward Cleaver thing workin'. It was the most hilarious thing you've ever seen. Even FOUR-year-olds were making remarks about how funny "Mr. T's" hair looked. It was great.

I do have a newfound appreciation for his vanity after seeing how he might look otherwise. A little vanity can be a very good thing! ; ) Everyone who knows Tdub very well at all loves to give him a hard time about his hair. Not only is it an ever-changing thing (thank goodness we're past the long phase) but we all find it comical that even all our boys know that Tdub's hair color is medium ash blond.
His eyes are hazel and his hair is medium ash blond and we love him just that way...bonk bonk. (a song we sing in children's worship).

Believe me, I get plenty of grief from Tdub and others for many of my
own "special" qualities. We've found it's best to accept our quirks and
be able to laugh about them together. It's part of what makes our
marriage joyful and at the same time bearable. After all, we do bear
one another's burdens and laughter can make those burdens lighter if
it's mutual. To me, humor is just another of those amazing attributes
that points me towards an intelligent and loving creator who is
interested in even the small pieces of my life. Otherwise, He'd not
have designed it this way. It's genius....what bit of it I can wrap my
mind around.


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Thursday, December 08, 2005


I'm completely disappointed that because of the flurry of activity in getting ready for our Christmas musical I'm not going to be able to see "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" tomorrow night. There's a slight possiblity of going Saturday, though, and I CAN'T WAIT!

As for the other movie that's getting alot of press lately, "Brokeback Mountain", it's doubtful I'll be seeing that one at all. Could it possibly be wise or anything but just totally depressing to someone with my background of experience? I mean, part of me actually wants to see it, if you can believe that. And yet, there's this other voice that says, "Don't do it." We are avid movie watchers/goers. Partly because we don't have television and partly because we just like movies. If we don't see something in the theatre we rent it and we end up seeing most of the box office hits as well as sleeper movies that get good reviews. I can just imagine Tdub's response to this part of this post...something along the lines of..."What in the heck are you thinking??? Of course we're not going to see that movie!"

Any thoughts?


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Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Things are awfully hectic around here. I'm thankful for internet shopping and the fact that Tdub enjoys taking care of all of it! He is so good at keeping up with what each boy wants/likes/prefers and is relentless about searching until he finds just the right things at the best possible prices.

Our children's Christmas musical is this weekend at church. We had a crew begin working on the set last Sunday evening and I'm the coordinator of the painting part of that effort. The setting is a Christmas tree lot which means the color imbedded under my fingernails is green.

This year we're doing a multi-generational play which means Tdub actually has a part. He's playing "straight man" (no pun intended! ha!) against a bunch of hokey, goofy, country type characters. It will be cute.

Son #1 is transferring to a school back in Texas for the Spring semester. He has only 2 more weeks in California. He says he's glad he gave it a shot out there but just can't stand being so far from home. I'm proud of him and don't have the heart to make him stick it out the full year even though that's what I'd originally intended to do.

School is fine. I almost killed myself last week getting close to 100 artworks mounted and tagged to enter in the Fort Worth Stock Show art contest. Hopefully, we'll get a call by the end of next week and know if we have any winners or if our school managed to win the team competition again. I'm hoping for the best and will try not to be too devastated if we don't win again. I liked winning way too much! :)

A quote worth thinking about from Oswald Chambers:

"I cannot save and sanctify myself; I cannot make atonement for sin; I cannot redeem the world; I cannot right what is wrong, purify what is impure, or make holy what is unholy. That is all the sovereign work of God."

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The Internet

This blog is the 109th hit when searching for "cardboard faux fireplace". I'd apologize to the poor person who ended up here while searching for that but I can't imagine them coming back! :) Of course, now that I've typed it, yet again and actually all in that order, a person could hypothetically get here before having to scroll through 108 other sites. For some reason I find that just hilarious. I hope they figured out how to make one. For any of you wanting directions for a cardboard faux fireplace just email me and I'll be happy to share. :)


Thursday, December 01, 2005

Merry Holiday (you bunch of pagans!)

Yes....that title is written completely in jest. I'm responding here, in that title, and with this post, to the latest onslaught of "Christian" email forwards filling my inbox. Seems there's a giant Christian outcry going on about the use of the word HOLIDAY as opposed to CHRISTMAS.

I'm wondering....which of these things do you think God might be more concerned about?

The use of the word Holiday instead of Christmas....


The fact that most people in today's Christian culture think that the main
reason to believe in Jesus is so that you'll go to heaven when you die.

If it's all about relationship (and it IS) then what in the heck does using the word HOLIDAY really have to do with anything? Yes, I'll grant them, using HOLIDAY instead of CHRISTMAS is a direct reflection of our culture and the times in which we live. But, that's ALL it is. I wish we could put as much time, effort, and energy into things that might really make a difference, to ourselves as well as those around us. Things like studying God's word, praying, and taking time to THINK about how our choices and every response/reaction we have reflects Jesus to those around us.

Questions like...."Why am I here?" "What does God expect me to do?" "Am I doing all I can or am purposed to be doing to further the kingdom?" (and that does not mean I've invited a bunch of people to church, but rather, have I shown people what church looks like in the place where I find them outside that building) "How can I grow spiritually?" "What sort of things (not Bible facts) do my children need to know to become fruitful spiritually?" "Do I have joy and if not, why not?" "Are the fruits of the spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control evident in me?" (because we all know that the fruit of the spirit's not a kumquat....what? inside joke there for those who like tdub and I who sing with children on sunday mornings)

Just little stuff like that. I'm WAY more concerned about these sorts of things than whether or not the local hardware store or national retail chain uses Christmas or Holiday on their banner out front.


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