I've come to realize that one of the reasons I'm "accepted" within the gay community (or at least the ones who read here) is because I'm so honest/transparent about Tdub's struggle with unwanted attractions. Even though Tdub refers to himself as straight and identifies himself as straight, the fact that he struggles at all with same sex attractions makes him gay in the eyes of some folks. What do I think about that? I just honestly don't care what folks call him. You can call him a giant polka-dotted turtle. He's awesome, no matter how you say it.
Tdub's priority, his goal, his absolute first and foremost mission in life, is to become more Christ-like. We, both of us, actually stumbled onto this mission of being Christ-like after having attempted miserably to be completely in charge of our own destinies. When we married, I honestly believe we were each still doing that very thing; trying our darndest to make things work out and be "whole" by our own means. It got ugly, pretty quickly, in our marriage. We each brought baggage (what baggage!!) that just couldn't get "checked" and thrown into the plane, arriving safely at the other end of the journey. It's as if God stopped us at the metal detector and forced us to rummage around and start pulling out the *crap*.....piece by piece. It was either that, or just turn around and go back from whence we came.
In some ways we are still at the metal detector and always will be, thanks to God's infinite grace. He is so patient and kind to us as we journey along. And yet, we've journeyed well beyond that first layover.
So, maybe Tdub's suitcase has a metaphorical pink stripe on it. Just sayin'. What's most important to me, is that now, his luggage has a much larger "grace" (as in me, whatever that would be) colored stripe as well as an even wider Christ-colored stripe. While there are many stripes on Tdub's luggage, I assure you, the the "grace and the Christ-colored stripes are widest.
Now, lest you feel sorry for him, and feel that he is some trodden down, beaten, shell of a man who can't/hasn't expressed himself fully as a sexual human being, lo these many years of marriage, think again. He is not and will not be that man. He's one of the most vibrant, excited, sexually expressive men I know. (as if i know alot of sexually expressive men..but still :) Maybe (hint, hint) he will comment on this post and give his input to this aspect of what I'm trying to communicate. He is incredibly awesome, after all. (you catch more flies with honey, ya'll)
Has he changed? Heck, yes!! Have I changed? Thank the LORD, yes!! Is Tdub sexually attracted to men? Not so much, and yet, while that pink stripe has shrunk it may never be completely annihilated. And you know what? I'm not concerned about that. I love the pink stripe. I'm all about the pink stripe. The pink stripe is part of who he is. While I'm thankful it's not the huge marking it once was on the luggage, when it seemed to over-ride so many of the other stripes, I don't wish it entirely vanished either.
I probably won't be posting again until after we return from our Mexico mission trip. Please comment if you wish, and know that I'll get back to you after July8. :)
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