Thursday, June 29, 2006

Change....Is it possible?

I've come to realize that one of the reasons I'm "accepted" within the gay community (or at least the ones who read here) is because I'm so honest/transparent about Tdub's struggle with unwanted attractions. Even though Tdub refers to himself as straight and identifies himself as straight, the fact that he struggles at all with same sex attractions makes him gay in the eyes of some folks. What do I think about that? I just honestly don't care what folks call him. You can call him a giant polka-dotted turtle. He's awesome, no matter how you say it.

Tdub's priority, his goal, his absolute first and foremost mission in life, is to become more Christ-like. We, both of us, actually stumbled onto this mission of being Christ-like after having attempted miserably to be completely in charge of our own destinies. When we married, I honestly believe we were each still doing that very thing; trying our darndest to make things work out and be "whole" by our own means. It got ugly, pretty quickly, in our marriage. We each brought baggage (what baggage!!) that just couldn't get "checked" and thrown into the plane, arriving safely at the other end of the journey. It's as if God stopped us at the metal detector and forced us to rummage around and start pulling out the *crap*.....piece by piece. It was either that, or just turn around and go back from whence we came.

In some ways we are still at the metal detector and always will be, thanks to God's infinite grace. He is so patient and kind to us as we journey along. And yet, we've journeyed well beyond that first layover.

So, maybe Tdub's suitcase has a metaphorical pink stripe on it. Just sayin'. What's most important to me, is that now, his luggage has a much larger "grace" (as in me, whatever that would be) colored stripe as well as an even wider Christ-colored stripe. While there are many stripes on Tdub's luggage, I assure you, the the "grace and the Christ-colored stripes are widest.

Now, lest you feel sorry for him, and feel that he is some trodden down, beaten, shell of a man who can't/hasn't expressed himself fully as a sexual human being, lo these many years of marriage, think again. He is not and will not be that man. He's one of the most vibrant, excited, sexually expressive men I know. (as if i know alot of sexually expressive men..but still :) Maybe (hint, hint) he will comment on this post and give his input to this aspect of what I'm trying to communicate. He is incredibly awesome, after all. (you catch more flies with honey, ya'll)

Has he changed? Heck, yes!! Have I changed? Thank the LORD, yes!! Is Tdub sexually attracted to men? Not so much, and yet, while that pink stripe has shrunk it may never be completely annihilated. And you know what? I'm not concerned about that. I love the pink stripe. I'm all about the pink stripe. The pink stripe is part of who he is. While I'm thankful it's not the huge marking it once was on the luggage, when it seemed to over-ride so many of the other stripes, I don't wish it entirely vanished either.

I probably won't be posting again until after we return from our Mexico mission trip. Please comment if you wish, and know that I'll get back to you after July8. :)


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Monday, June 26, 2006

Summer Fun

Since returning from the lap of luxury in Palm Beach it's been full-tilt "life as we know it" here at our house.

I willingly and gratefully kept my best friend's 3 young children (who are as a niece and nephews to me) for 4 days, have had a root canal, worked (painted) on a 4th of July float project for our VBS, consulted and am in the process of beginning to paint a child's room for a friend (basketball motif), and started a brand new work-out regime. Oh yeah....I also COMPLETELY cleaned the downstairs including mopping ALL the floors so that our dear friend Emery could visit us and not be completely appalled at the state of our house! :) Oh....and I didn't mention that we've had numerous and sundry boys/girls (teenagers) in and out of here who are constantly needing food and leaving doors open and letting stray cats in and generally trashing up and stinking up the place unless you stay entirely on top of them which I am not prone to do. *big sigh* Oh well.

We leave VERY early this coming Saturday morning for a mission trip with our Youth Group. We are taking the 3 younger boys and it will be the first trip for #3 and #4. They are very much looking forward to it. This is where we'll be for the next week starting this coming Sunday. I appreciate your prayers for us and if you're looking for a worthwhile place to donate some tax-deductible monies...this would be a good one. We will spend the week working (hard labor) doing construction and improvement sorts of things at the children's home.

I may post again this week before we leave. But didn't want to fail to mention this trip and my absence should I not find time to post.

Happy Summer!


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Thursday, June 22, 2006

My Views on Education

Norm! asked some very thought-provoking questions in his comment this morning. I'm going to attempt to state my views as coherently as possible.

Also, as an educator, what are you thoughts about gay/straight student clubs? In encouraging students to treat each other with respect and dignity, isn't it important for schools to allow student groups for minorities whether they be sexual, racial, or religious?

Student clubs are an important part of the high school years for many teens. The point of clubs is to give many different kids another avenue to "belong"; to feel they are contributing to something and are valued within a group. As long as we allow even one special interest club to form at school then we have to be very broad in terms of what other sorts of clubs we allow. That's part of the nature of public school. A public school is a microcosm of the society at large. As long as the activities of the club are not interfering with the learning environment (which is up to the administrator's discretion) then it should be allowed. The more controversial a student club is, in my opinion, the greater lengths that club should go to in order to prove it's a beneficial part of the school culture. For instance, if a Fellowship of Christian Athletes club formed in a school of high Jewish population, it would be disruptive for them to put up signs condemning Jews. Not to mention that it would also be very unChrist-like and defeat the purpose of having the club in the first place. In my opinion, special interest clubs should be able to post information about the times and places of their meetings, and then, just meet. All done.
So yeah, I think a gay/straight alliance club could be a very healthy thing and certainly a wonderful avenue to get some communication going after school hours. If I were an administrator and started having all sorts of issues between different student clubs that were interfering with the staff's ability to teach, I'd say "shut them all down." The most important thing that goes on at school is the learning environment. If done correctly, special interest groups at school can enhance that environment for kids by giving them a group and a place to belong. This, in turn, makes all the difference for some, particularly those on the "fringes" who can easily fall through the cracks if they are not connected in some way. *whew* that was long! sorry!

As for curriculum, how do you differentiate between teaching about a topic versus advocating a particular topic. I have heard some on the Right argue that simply mentioning homosexuality or diversity training is using schools to advocate for the gay agenda. And I have heard some on the Left argue that teaching the Bible or basic morality is the same as proselytizing. What are some of your views?

You know, there are probably those on the far Right(maybe not even so "far") who think I'm advocating homosexuality on this blog, would you agree? I've heard there is some sort of effort being made (and possibly a done deal) to include the topic of homosexuality in text books. I don't agree with that, and not necessarily because I think it's advocating it or not, but mostly because I think it's unnecessary based on the things I mentioned in my post yesterday. Diversity training does not need to include "facts" or theories about how one becomes gay. We don't actually know the answers to that. What we can teach, is that we treat one another as fellow humans. I won't repeat what I said yesterday. That's a human agenda, not a gay one. Basic morality can be taught without ever mentioning the Bible. There's an underlying moral code, a sense of wrong and right, which, in my opinion proves the existence of God. Certain moral codes are "innate". Using the Bible as a cultural or literature reference shouldn't be a problem any more than using Chinese proverbs or Greek mythology. I don't agree with using the Bible as a science textbook for the same reasons I don't think we need to teach the origins of homosexuality in a textbook. There are some pretty giant leaps of faith that must be taken in both those instances and you still don't really come up with any clear cut answers.

There are so many things that are appropriate and difficult enough to teach in public school to the diverse population of kids we get. It just bugs me to no end to have people who've never spent any time in a school deciding what we need to teach. Our plate is full right now. The last few generations and the ones coming up are needy and it is becoming more and more difficult to teach even the most basic of skills to these kids. Why we insist on convoluting our curriculums with things that we can't be sure of I don't know.

It is the responsibility of parents and churches to teach spiritual truths to children. Public school gets blamed for so many ills in society when all that public school can do is reflect society as a whole. It's a public institution funded by tax dollars in a democracy. The problems we have in school don't originate in the schools, they originate in the homes and families of the kids that are sent to school. Now I'm on another soap box! Better jump off right quick.

Thanks Norm! for stimulating my thinking about all this.


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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

In my concerted effort not to become political on this blog *wink* I'm going to address a sort of political question that a very thoughtful commenter posted after my last little diatribe.

"I believe if states allow or acknowledge same-sex marriages, why won't homosexuality be taught as an acceptable norm in the schools?"

I'm a public school teacher, so I have an opinion about this from an educator's standpoint. Keep in mind as well, that I'm in Texas; a very conservative state that is probably decades away from legalizing same sex marriage, and certainly at least that far away from adding homosexuality to the curriculum in our public schools. And it doesn't NEED to be added. In my opinion, schools do not need to be teaching kids about sexuality of any stripe. Not only are there more questions than answers as to how our sexuality develops, we have more than enough curriculum, TESTED curriculum, to teach as it is.

Apart from tested curriculum I believe we have a responsibility to teach young folks how to be safe and healthy in all sorts of situations (including sexual), and we have a responsibility to teach them how to live and treat others (including their PARENTS) with dignity and respect. That should pretty much cover it. Other than that, we need to get them reading, writing, calculating, and learning how to continue to learn and think for themselves.

Homosexuality is a human condition involving real live people. Is it normal? Well, let me say this....knowing all that I know about Tdub, understanding his personality and temperament as I've come to do, and having the beliefs I have about how it came to be, I believe that for him to struggle with attractions to his gender is pretty darn normal. He's not a leper or an alien or an enemy of society. He's just a guy. If Tdub had grown up surrounded by folks in church who found people like him to be a little bit more "normal", he probably could have avoided many mistakes and heartaches to himself and others (like me). If he'd felt comfortable AT ALL sharing his heartache and pain, his inner "demons", well, we just don't know how things may have been different. On the contrary, he felt abnormal, weird, shunned, devalued.....and all because of something he had no real choice about.

I honestly don't know what the real answer is, but I do know that what we've been doing doesn't work for guys like my husband. They become victims both ways in this dilemma. Not that Tdub lives or perceives himself as a victim. He's an overcomer by the grace of God.

While I don't believe homosexuality needs to be taught in school, I believe in teaching students to treat others (including gays) with dignity and respect. Will legalizing same sex unions cause our school curriculums to change? From what I understand, that battle is already going on seperate and apart from the same sex union battle. It's two different issues as far as I'm concerned. I'll also add, briefly, that I do not want my kids recieving religious instruction in public school. I'll take care of that, thank you very much. We do that as it is right now since everything they learn in school doesn't necessarily line up with our religious worldview. We take care of that in our home on a case by case basis.

This is a rambling mess. Sorry. I'm a bit exhausted still from staying up too late watching that PATHETIC Mavericks game last night! augh!!!


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Sunday, June 18, 2006

Here's What I Want

I'm not into politics. I love people. All people. I believe that Jesus Christ came in the flesh and established the Kingdom of this earth....right now, active. He did that so that we could all be reconciled to the Father and be at peace with our maker....come what may. I accept the Lordship of Jesus and am willing to partake of His suffering since I'm trapped here for the time being until he comes again.

So....what I would like to see happen....concerning (what i believe to be) the sin of same sex this.....

It's JUST a sin. It's not BIGGER than any other sin. We have MANY laws which give rights and privileges to those who sin. The sin of homosexual sex is no worse than the sin of adultery, fornication (same thing, pretty much since we don't let them marry), divorce, drunkenness, gluttony, gossip, masturbation(??), did I mention adultery and fornication?, neglecting children, addictions of all stripes. materialism.....etc., etc.,

The thing is....I am trapped in sinful nature and only Jesus can cleanse me of the things I commit within that nature. He doesn't cleanse me so that I get my ticket to heaven and avoid hell. I could care less about that. I rarely ever think of the afterlife. I don't find it to be a major concern in the book of ACTS, which is our model for going about and converting folks to the way of Christ. I want to serve Christ and I've committed my life to Christ....because of CHRIST. He's just so awesome. His ways complete me and fulfill me in a way that I can scarcely describe. I have determined that I will give up EVERYTHING for Him. Even if it means I am not complete physically or emotionally in this life.....I will put all of that aside so that I can draw closer to Him and His holiness. He is THAT good. It's crazy. I know.

I also trust Him enough to be able to LOVE my gay brothers and sisters.....really LOVE them....and not condemn them. I want them to have rights, freedoms, privileges....just as I do. I'm not sure where God will lead them when they come into relationship with Him. That's not my business. But.....I'm not going to go about trying to screw up their lives here in order to try and "save" them. I will continue to love and honor them as individuals. Their "sin" (in my opinion it's sin) is no worse than my sin. I will continue to extend grace just as grace continues to be extended to me. I am chief of sinners.

This is why I refuse to get involved in political arguments here on my blog. My goodness....if Jesus and the disciples had "gone political" we'd probably still be trying the case of Christ to this day. Jesus let all that politcal stuff just play out as it the end, it proved His point completely. His kingdom is spiritual. Jesus is Lord.


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Friday, June 16, 2006

Back to Reality

*big sigh*

Here we are, back to the "grind" of summer. ;) It's a far cry (way far) from Palm Beach living but I guess it'll do. The boys seem happy that we're back, although we must read this by their mostly pleasant dispositions and willingness to actually converse with us in what are more than two word sentences. They'd never come right out and SAY they missed us! Heaven forbid!

Tdub spent the entire day yesterday getting all our laundry done (all SIX of us, he's amazing) while I did my best to restore the kitchen/fridge to it's perpetual readiness for feeding frenzy. The contents of the fridge gets pretty disgusting with 10 days absence and it seems there's an endless stream of mouths needing sustenance around here. We were home less than 24 hours and had no fewer than 4 friends of one boy or another in and out.

I'm not complaining....really. Just sayin'.

The trip was one of the best we've ever shared alone together. Just the two of us during those last 4 days, relaxing and enjoying each other along with the sand, surf, pool, in-room movies, and ocean front seating to watch two of the Mavs games while being served delicious food and drink.

I've got some things on my mind to write about, but it's just not gelled into a complete or coherent thought at this point. Nothing to share except this sort of "state of the union" stuff at this point. I'm spending this evening planning and preparing for what I hope will be a special Father's Day on Sunday for Tdub. He's a good dad and he makes me a better mom.

Happy Father's Day to all of you.


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Monday, June 12, 2006


While lying in a comfy chair between the beach and a pool today, accompanied by relaxing, instrumental music and the sound of the waves crashing on the sand, I did some thinking. The thought occurred to me of something that seems to lack consistency within the far right line of thinking in regards to sin prevention. Specifically, in regards to preventing homosexual acts of sin. This is just an example that jumped to my mind, but I feel certain I could probably think of others. However, the wind, the sea, and the music were begging me not to think TOO hard. :)

The far right seems to insist that the key to preventing gays from taking over society and destroying our culture is to convince the gays to change and be straight. That, and that gay relationships lack value and authenticity by working towards political ends which reinforce that thinking. (Honestly, I've decided that I have no problem with gay civil unions. Hate me, sue me, call me the anti-Christ. I just don't.) These same folks seem pretty thoroughly convinced that there are some basic deficiencies among gay folks that have made them gay. Most striking being the lack of a supportive, nurturing father and the presence of an over-bearing, domineering mother. (these, by the way, are part of Tdub's story, and, I might add MANY of the gays I know...particularly the father part) I was lying there thinking....the thought occurred to me to wonder why the far right, if they truly believe gayness is overwhelmingly caused by these factors, do not focus on prevention and go after all these straight dads who have screwed up their sons? Why not attempt to eliminate gays by going to the supposed cause of gayness rather than attacking gays? Wouldn't it make more sense? And who would that hurt....really? It wouldn't hurt anyone. Furthermore, they'd be focusing on "their own kind" so to speak and I'd think their voice would be much more readily heard and adhered to in that camp than it is by the way they portray themselves now with gay folks. At the very least, hopefully, the boys of the world could get better dads....whether they continued to turn out to be gay or straight.

Again...and as always...I'm just thinking out loud here.

much love to you all,
(one more day here, then it's back to reality!)


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Saturday, June 10, 2006


Growth requires risk. It just does. Can't get around it no matter how hard you try.

During a pretty deep conversation we were having with our "family" friends here in Palm Beach the other night, Tdub shared his struggle with unwanted same sex attraction. No one dropped dead from least not at the news that he struggles.....but....there may have been a silent, yet collective gasp, at the fact that he was actually saying it, right out loud, in front of everyone.

I will never forget the time, several years ago, when we were going over to visit these same friends. (remember, this intimate group includes our gay friend who is also Tdub's boss) At that time, Tdub was barely into working on this journey, our marriage was still very fragile, and yet our faith was grounded completely in God and in continuing, come what may, with His guidance. On the way over, as Tdub and I were talking, I said, "You know, I believe that one day you'll be able to share all of this with *****." With a look and tone of sternness usually reserved for a misbehaving child Tdub replied, "I will never, ever, do that."

Growth. Risk. Come what may. That, to me, is what a life in Christ is all about.


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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Having a Lovely Time

Palm Beach is awesome. It is truly like a different world down here; particularly at this hotel where they wait on us hand and foot, serve us completely over-priced but delicious and artistically presented foods, and answer the phone when we push any button with, "How can I help you Ms. *******?" It's basically the complete and total opposite of life as we know it back home!

Many good things, great things, AMAZING things have happened all ready. This is, by the way, one of the times of the year when I get to spend lots of time with my very best gay friend. And it's good. He's really like a brother to me. The "business" of the trip begins tomorrow for Tdub and ends on Sunday. Then we have until the next Wednesday to enjoy our time here together.

I've got much to share but I want to process it more with Tdub before I put it out there for the world to see.


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Friday, June 02, 2006

Vacation (woo hoo!)

Tdub and I leave this Sunday for 10 days in Palm Beach, Florida. It's a business conference where Tdub's in charge of this HUGE production so he'll be working for 4 of the days....but....the other days we have all to ourselves! It's awesome. The company has been having the conference there for several years now so we're quite familiar with the area, the hotel, etc. Mostly, we're familiar with the BEACH! We both love spending time on the beach. If Tdub will let me knab his laptop for a bit after the conference maybe I'll be able to post an update or a picture or something. We'll see.


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