Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Comment on a comment

Something Peterson (Toscano) wrote as a comment to my post about Tdub having a metaphorical pink stripe on his luggage has prompted me to write more. Since I'm bereft of ideas lately (for some unknown reason) and I don't think Peterson will mind, I'm going to just "go with it". Note: I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be able to have open dialogue and friendly relations with guys like Peterson. He's about as against ex-gay programs as one can get. And yet, I believe he operates mostly in a spirit of love and concern for others. I overlook things that could offend me on his blog because I'm an intelligent woman with my own blog on which to spout my beliefs. I have no patience for silly blog wars....let alone the time to conduct them.
Here's his comment:

"I know men with same sex attractions who remain married to their wives. One man, who identifies as bisexual, lives with his wife although they no longer have a sexual relationship. They remain companions in every other sense of the word. He says he is content, but adds that he is not sure about how his wife feels because she prefers to not discuss the issue. "

Apparently this approach works for this couple. But I'm telling you right here and now it would NEVER work for me or Tdub. It's messed up on so many levels as it pertains to our shared view of what marriage is all about.

#1 being the lack of sexual relationship. whoa! I'm good with the "companions in every other sense of the word" part but for us, it's that part of the relationship that keeps us wanting each other more and more sexually. As we continue to learn about each other, to know each other more deeply and fully in all sorts of situations, our sexual relationship continues to grow/deepen (whatever word i put there is full of innuendo ha!) as well. It's like the icing on a cake, the whipped cream on a sundae, a great highlight job after an awesome cut, or having your dentist offer to whiten your teeth at his cost. It's just SWEET.

The #2 way this scenario is a "no go" for us is the part of about not being sure how the wife feels because of not discussing the issue. Tdub and I discuss everything. We talk about everything from the lack of brownie chunks in our Blue Belle ice cream (appalling) to conjecturing over how many times and in what rooms we're afraid #1 has had sex with his girlfriend. We may have some catching up to do during extremely busy weeks...but...nothing is off limits. If we can't talk about it....then it's a discussion we need to have with the therapist either individually or together. End of story.

I'm certainly not picking on Peterson or his comment here. Not at all. Just using it as a springboard to share and write about how things work for us. I sometimes get the impression that my virtual gay friends may think we have just learned to be content with less and that's why this whole "ex-gay" thing works for us. Not so. My real life gay friends can certainly attest to this since they actually see us in living breathing color. Tdub and I are not settling for less, we are enjoying God's finest. In Him and in one another.


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Steve Boese said...

Hey Grace (& tdub -- so cool to hear a few words from you, too)!!!

I think I get -- and know that I deeply respect -- your journey. No, not completely, absolutely, or perfectly. But the bits of what I know and hear from you resonate with me.

When I came out (telling my beloved, almost 9 years into our marriage, "I think I'm gay, and I've only ever voiced this once before, a few hours ago to my therapist") a discovery process was launched. It was scary. Hard. Ambiguous at times. (OK, often.)

I hear a common thread between what what you describe, and the friends Peterson describes, and the friends I've known who are in mixed orientation relationships: Willingness to consider, and at least occasionally embrace, ambiguity.

It remains a balance between absolutes -- every healthy couple has them -- and ambiguities (every couple has them, too).

In my case, I was on-board with absolutes like monogamy and commitment to our children, but I was also coming to terms with the ambiguity of being more gay than straight (in terms of attractions, yet finding synergy with gay-identified folks) and married to a woman I cherished.

I can't speak for her. I can only give credence to the fact that her perceptions were different from mine, and that she has been true to her deeply-held beliefs and values.

Steve Boese said...

(ooops, I was trying to preview, not publish, the previous comment.)

Bottom line, Grace and tdub, I appreciate and respect the balance you have found between absolutes and ambiguities.

Love is love, pure and simple, and you two have a lock on what that means for your relationship.

grace said...

Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I'm glad to know that my writing resonates with you and I appreciate your open-mindedness.
I love the way you describe us as having "a lock" on what love is like in our relationship. That sums it up very nicely. :)

Steve Boese said...

my only outstanding concern... if I add another thought now, is it a comment on a comment on a 2-part comment on a comment on a comment?

sounds naughty.

but here I go anyway!

grace said... works for me! hehe! But some of the "comment orgies" i've been reading lately are down right nasty...of the sadomasochistic variety. I cringe at the thought of those elements becoming a part of my little blog space! At this point I feel certain I could rely on guys like you, David, Brady, Emery, and even Peterson (ha!) to help me run them off if they ever show up around here! :)


Peterson Toscano said...

Grace, I've got your back. No time for blog drama, especially since you seek to write with honesty and respect for others.

grace said...

Thanks Peterson! :)