I talked with Tdub tonight, in person. It was good. (at least that was my perception of things...you tend to doubt all your perceptions when something like this happens)
He'd been telling me that he'd written something he'd like to read to me and we had that opportunity tonight. I'm going to make an effort to express where he's coming from based on what he read to me tonight. It's important for me to process it, and I think it's an important peice of the giant puzzle that is gay, ex-gay, wanted vs. unwanted attractions.
I want to emphasize, first, that when I look at Tdub I don't feel anything but love. I consciously choose to look at him as I believe Jesus would. I WILL myself to extend grace to him even if he deserves judgement. I can't help but love and ache for him when I see him this way. He doubts God's love. He loathes himself. Hurting me and hurting our family is, in his mind, a matter of self-preservation at this point. I don't agree with his reasoning, and yet, I understand that it's the best he is able to do at this given moment.
In listening to his "treatise" as he called it, I heard one thing very plainly. He believed that marriage to me was part of the answer to his dilemma. He went into the marriage hoping that by marrying the "embodiment of God in a female" (or something like that, as he put it) healing would find him or he would find "it".
This never works. NEVER. If you are a same sex attracted guy who wants to get married and have a family....please KNOW this. NO WOMAN, no matter how wonderful she may be (heck, look at me!! hahahaha!!!) can help you.
This really is a journey one must make alone.....even if you're married. It can be done. I still don't doubt that. I see and know of specific things that were not acted upon. I know of more that could have been done had the heart been in the right place to do it. And yet, I understand and I'm sympathetic towards Tdub in that he is weary. I'm not going to stand in judgement of him. God will take care of that, in His time, in His way. And I pray for mercy for Tdub. I really do.
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