Sunday, August 20, 2006


I didn't go to church this morning. Didn't go last week either. This thing all started last Friday night with an all night conversation. There's been no fighting, no yelling, stomping, screaming.....and no begging and pleading either. I'm pretty sure that sort of thing doesn't work. ;)

I'm going to write about it as I can.....and just so you know, your comments are a great comfort to me. I didn't respond to any of them in the last post as I normally do, and I may not for a while. But please know that I need that and it's one thing you can do that directly blesses me and reminds me, in a very tangible way, that God loves me and cares for me. God's love resides in the skin of real people who minister that love to one another tangibly. So, I'm thanking you all right now for doing that.

God loves Tdub as well. I recognize that a HUGE part of my heartbreak is the very heart of God breaking for him. In fact, I can testify to anyone reading here....God absolutely adores you and cherishes you and wants nothing more than to be in relationship with you. Most of you know this.....but I'm telling you, I don't think any of us truly understand or comprehend the depth and breadth of His great love. It is over-whelming, to put it midly.

That's all I've got for right now.

I'll write more as I can.


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kurt_t said...

I lit a candle for you last night before Mass. Actually, I lit one for you and Peterson. I thought you two are friends, so wouldn't mind sharing.

I really liked what you said about God's love living inside of us. That's so true. That's really a big part of the Gospel message, I think, one that's easy to forget sometimes.

grace said...

Thank you Kurt. I'm honored to share a candle with Peterson. :)

love you!

Christine said...

Grace, you know you are in our prayers sister and family are praying for you.

Your neighbor in Texas for one more night...

einar said...

I'll share a great story. I'm not the best in scripture memorization, but I think it went something like this:

At church tonight, the pastor was talking about the story Jesus told about the two sons who were given money from their father, and how one of the sons spent it on all the wrong
things, and then had to live with the pigs and eat what they ate just to keep alive. But when the father found out, he didn't care about the son's wrongdoings but loved him as much as before.

It is a good reminder of the kind of God we believe in! Full of grace and full of love for all of us! And all we have to do is say yes to him. I know for my part that my faith can be pretty down quite often, but it doesn't matter. The smallest whisper of faith is all that's needed; I'm sure God has some pretty big ears that are able to pick up that whisper...

grace said...

I'm so so sorry I haven't been able to call and meet up with you. It's just been too difficult at this point for me to do any more than just hold it together, one day at a time, and process what's going on with those around me who love and care for me. I WANT to meet you.....and I feel certain this will happen eventually. I appreciate your prayers and understanding. Maybe sis and I can get together soon....tell her to call me.....and you and I can meet on your next visit.

Brett and Jenny Perkins said...

I pray that your church family will be a comfort to you in the coming months.

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our sheild.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
Psalm 33:20-22

grace said...

Yes....the church will be a sustaining force for me. I may not agree wholly with the minute details of their unwritten doctrine, but we come face-to-face with God's love in action in situations like this. I know that they are not just "there" but willing to back up their concern with concrete expressions of love to help me through even the most difficult and, dare I say, embarrassing aspects of this journey. I'm expecting surprises (of the bad sort) and yet, I know that I am surrounded by folks who will support me and do whatever it takes to see me/the boys clear to the other side. I will be in constant prayer that Tdub will see God's love demonstrated and know without a doubt that HE, GOD, is in this. I'm much more concerned about Tdub's soul than his sexual preference/identity/whatever.

Thanks for being there, praying, and commenting!

love you so!

Steve Boese said...

Ohmygoodness, Grace... I'm just catching up after being wrapped up in moving all week.

My thoughts and prayers go with all of you. I cannot know the depth or the exact nature of what you are experiencing except to know that the period which resembled it in my own life was at various times difficult, scary, unsure, shell-shocked, and of course the list went on.

Sometimes it seems we are catapulted from a place in which we have at least nominally more answers than questions about where our lives are going, and how, and why, to a place in which there are more questions than answers, more hurts than peace, more self-doubt than confidence, more wrestling than resting.

I'm so glad you have faith and folks around you to look to and lean on, find solace in and draw strength from. Take care, my friend.

Inheritor of Heaven said...

Please be certain that you continue to be with fellow believers and let them be the physical manifestation of Christ to you. Let them help carry your burdens. Hugs, tears and heard and spoken prayers let Jesus be manifested into the situation in a physical way. Words written here and prayers prayed from far away have effect too, but in a different way. I am certain God uses them all.

Christine said...

Grace, so good to hear your voice last night and know that you are hanging in there...

As always, you are in my thoughts and my prayers and sis has your number...and I think you have hers...

(((((((((big huge hugs to you))))))))

Peterson Toscano said...

Grace, I love the image of us sharing a candle in the midst of experiencing significant loses in our lives. Words often fail to comfort me right now, although the efforts made help remind me that I am loved and not alone.

I love how Jesus taught us to weep with those who weep, fellowship in our sufferings. In the midst of my own sorrows, God can seem so far away at times (and unbelievably near at others), but always present in the love of others towards me and towards you.

robert said...


Wow. I just read your last email and I am sending you out a big ehug.

Is TDub interested in counseling at all? I think it would help.

I do not know any of the details, but from what I have read about you and Tdub, this would not be a good move on Tdub's part. I do not know how Tdub has expressed his homosexual attractions, but I do know that he has been married to a woman, fathered two boys, divorced, and then remarried a woman. He certainly has engaged in serious heterosexual relationships on at least two occassions. I cannot help but wonder that if TDub is venturing into the gay world, is he going to come back and look for a woman? When does the revolving door stop?

Take a deep breath an find your strong center. I hope TDub will do the same. Hopefully, with some counseling TDub will reconsider his decision, or at least have some understanding of himself before he makes this move.

Anyway, I am sending much love and good thoughts out your way. Just go outside and catch it.

grace said...

Thanks Robert! :) Yeah....Tdub has a therapist....we've had one for a long time....and hopefully he'll continue to see him (that's the plan). It's okay....I love Tdub....and we'll all be okay. Thanks so much for sending your love. I am so held up in prayer right's incredible.

love ya much!

greg622 said...

hey grace! i feel like i've just been broad-sided by a dump-truck. my heart goes out to you and t-dub. know that i love you both and will be praying for you both. i mean that! i have no words to convey the heaviness and sadness in my heart over this and how to express that adequately in a way that is somehow comforting to your heart and soul. much love!