Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I Heart Tdub

You know, it must be pretty sucky to have a wife who writes an entire blog based on the fact that you deal with one certain sin.

If you read here regularly, you know that I'm mostly a sort of "champion" for all sinners with a special love for those who struggle and those who are gay. But still......I know it's unsettling for Tdub at times, even though he's been nothing more than absolutely proud and supportive of me the entire way. We've both grown because of this blog, and I believe it's been beneficial to us for me to have written these things and to have shared the things I've shared.

For one thing, it's been good because, as odd as it may sound, it's shown him (tdub) just how compassionate I truly am toward his struggle. This is a good thing. He is more empowered to be honest and straightforward with me about particular areas of struggle when he reads and sees the way I respond to others who share his struggle. And yeah...it is a struggle for those like him. It's not easy to be attracted to the same sex and yet have no desire whatsoever to do anything other than be married to the opposite sex, have fulfilling sexual relations with that person, raise a family, be friends, be "one" with that person as you see God having intended it to be. It's absolutely difficult. And yet, in a society with a divorce rate as high as ours....it's difficult no matter what, is it not? But, this is how I see Tdub. He has no desire whatsoever to live as a gay man. I've never once believed this about him. I've tempted him with the idea (early on in our struggle, and not in the best of conversations i might add) and yet, I knew even as I spoke the words what his intention and reply would be. He desires, more than anything, to be married to me, be attracted sexually to me, to be best friends with me (this seems all in opposite order here) and to raise our boys to the best of our ability together. And then, to enjoy long happy years together WITHOUT them!! haha!!

I can't really speak for him, and yet, being best friends, there are things we just "know" about each other.

I know I joke around a bit about Tdub at times. I mean, who wouldn't want a guy who does ALL the laundry (just cause he's so good at it and I can't do it "good enough"). Or, a guy who can make you ecstatic in the bedroom AND ecstatic over the perfect pair of shoes he found for you to go with that certain outfit? I mean really, does it get any better than that???? :)

But, most of all, who wouldn't want a guy who will do whatever it takes to follow the call of God and lead you and your family toward holiness? Not perfection......holiness......closer and closer to the people God made us to be. That's what Tdub does. Consistently. He talks and acts like I'm the "deep" one in the relationship. But he is deeper than I can even begin to know.

I Heart Tdub. So much.


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Brett and Jenny Perkins said...

Continued blessings on your beautiful marriage! Thank you for your example.

grace said...

Thank YOU Jenny! I love you!

Robert said...

That is a very sweet post, Grace.

Tdub obviously loves you and the boys, otherwise, after his first marriage, he would have hitched up with a man. There would have been plenty of opportunities for him to do so.

I am curious if Tdub has "come out" so to speak with any members of your church. I know that he had some concerns that the reaction of fellow church members might not be positive.

BTW--I have been hibernating this Spring, but I promise that I will be hanging out a little more. ;-D

grace said...

Hey there! Yes, he has done that and, in my opinion, if I had to name one single thing that's has the biggest impact in his journey that would be it. It was most difficult for him, and yet, it seems to have been one of the most "freeing" things. Much the same, it seems, as when gay folks finally "come out" to their friends and family. But somehow, it freed him to continue on. (I'm making all this up, you know, based on my own observations) There are several, within our cirlce of Christian friends, who know.

There's always fear of coming out fully to the church population at large. We all know how full of people church is! Sometimes people just screw everything up! ha! I will say this, I honestly don't believe Tdub has anything to expect but love and grace from all of the "core" leadership of our body. So...that's good.

Glad to know you are coming out of hibernation!