Friday, September 30, 2005

My Husband

I posted this comment over at Ben's blog in response to his post titled Changing Attraction...

I'm 99% sure that my husband is still not physically attracted to women in general. And while I don't want or need to know his daily level of struggle (which he's described as basically just a mind game) in his attractions to men...I CAN tell you with certainty this fact. He IS attracted to ME physically. And I'm a woman. :) So...what this says to me in regards to you is...the woman God has for you, who will love you and embrace all that it means to be married to a man who struggles as you do...may not stir physical eros in you initially. It may be a process. You may never be attracted to women, per se, but you may very well be attracted to just ONE woman. Hope that makes sense.

I asked my husband to read and respond to me about what I'd written to Ben because I wanted to be sure I hadn't spoken out of turn in the way I perceived things related to his change and our marriage. With his permission, I've posted what he wrote to me. It's beautiful, special, and private to me, hence, my desire to share it with everyone. :) It really is all those things, and yet, I believe it gives an added perception to many things I've written here and is valuable in gaining a clearer picture of the way our marriage, by God's infinite grace, continues to thrive against all worldly odds.

Yeah, you really crystallized the issue … I mean, hell if I would write this stuff down,
(which i'm just still just afraid of--you know how i feel about the power of words) I think what might’ve come out of it is something like that … at least that’s how I would want you to perceive I was reasoning about myself and our marriage… which it seems you have although I say very little. … If that makes any sense at all.

Yeah, I have to admit that I don’t “get off” looking at opposite sex, boobs, etc….. so women in general, yeah, you’re right, although I appreciate their beauty and characteristics and nature.

And about you, yeah, I get that.
I do feel that way—bcz I’m in love with YOU and attracted to all the components OF you that MAKE YOU a woman, including the physical meldings of our male and female forms….

I mean, maybe some day I’ll start wanting to buy t***y mags…hahaa....

….but I’m content to be en eros with regard to ONE woman, my earthly companion. The one I was destined for all along. [Lucky you. :D]

And for me, the battle is such a head game. To appreciate and observe strength and beauty (male or female) vs. obsessing over personal inadequacies, feeling isolated, needing affirmation/touch, …. All of those things comprise my struggle each day.

Keeping that struggle in perspective; meeting needs in healthy ways—not by sexualizing or contextualizing or settling for “oh this is how I am”; recognizing my purpose in life (including struggle); and aye, even…dare I suggest…thanking God for where he’s grown me from…and to….

These are NOT mere mental posturings in response to the battle, rather they are viable weapons I can use in the fight for my masculinity, manhood, role as husband, father, and friend. As the whole man God intended.

You’re far more perceptive than I would have ever imagined; far more at peace and clear-thinking than I could ever have hoped; and provide much enc o u r a g ement for me to face this; deal with it; and perhaps come to embrace it fully. I mean, my gosh, to be able to even talk about this.

You’re truly amazing.


I thank my dear husband for allowing me to share that. And I thank God continuously for blessing me with a man who challenges me to continue to grow in grace and wisdom. I thank God for the blessing this struggle has become to us and our marriage. I stand in awe of His faithfulness, goodness, mercy, compassion, and absolute power to change, heal, and reconcile.


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Robert said...

Wow! That is both amazing and special. I am curious Grace -- did you know that your husband had same-sex attractions before you were married? That was a pretty bold move if you did.

grace said...

Nope. Didn't know. And, the discovery process was far from pleasant and not voluntary on his part. I guess I share that with you because it gives you an indication of the "ugliness" from which God has redeemed our marriage.
Good to hear for you!

Robert said...

It says wonderful things about you too. You were able to put aside your ego under very difficult circumstances and work this out.

A friend of mine discovered her husband was bisexual and that he had a male lover on the side. She was devastated, and on one level questioned whether she was not "woman enough" for him. Her marriage crumbled, but for a variety of reasons, "loverboy" being just one. Fortunately, she could look back and realize that she had no role in her husband turning to a man.

grace said...

It is human nature to feel as your friend did...and you are right, a wife in my position must recognize first and foremost that her husband's issues have absolutely nothing to do with her. You and I disagree about the whole bisexual thing, but you all ready know that. :) So...I'm not going to comment about that right now. I'm really glad to have your comments and appreciate you reading my blog!

em said...

Great post -- thanks for sharing. I think you made the point, very poignantly, even, that in this sinful world, we will maintain the brokeness that we are cursed with. What is amazing is when God disarms the "natural outcomes" of sin with His grace and power. He brings about the most unlikely things, making it clear that He truly is our strength and provision. Again, thanks for sharing... and with much humour, as well. :-)

em said...

spelling freak... "brokenness". whoops!

grace said...

Hey Em! Thanks for stopping by...I wish I could give you a peice of pie or a cookie or something...maybe a glass of ice cold sweet tea. *sigh* One of the weaknesses of virtual friendship, huh? :)

em said...

I think a cookie would last in the mail! ;-) Then again, who knows where I am day-to-day for a mailing address. ugh!!!

grace said...

Exactly...besides the fact that I'm currently mailing one care package a week to California! I'm a monster, I know. It's a "coping" device I guess. Anyway, looks like you will just have to make a pit stop in our area at some point!

em said...

Wow, that's remarkable! I can barely manage to get my bills in the mail, much less a care package. Thank God for online bill pay! ;-)