I began last July during a bit of an emotional depression. Things were fine as far as our marriage...but...we were having major battles between Tdub and #4 at that time...butting heads to the point of "something's gotta give" and it was beginning to take it's toll on every member of the family. I'd spend huge amounts of time thinking about all the different relationships in our family and the way they played off each other, affected me and my outlook, and ultimately determined the overall "climate" of the house. So much to think about; same-sex-attracted husband, four boys, absent first-wife/"mother", ex-husband, son leaving for college in CA, estranged relationship with my parents.....and on and on it seemed to go.
Tdub had been suggesting to me for a long time (months, possibly a year) that I do more writing and that a blog would be good for me. He knew I frequented some blogs and enjoyed a certain sense of "community" in that format. My own blog had also been suggested to me numerous times within the community of bloggers I'd come to associate with. And so....one day back in July, during a week when all the boys were busy with camps and out of my hair for long days on end, I started my own blog.
I didn't tell Tdub about it. I decided up front that I certainly WOULD tell him, but that I wanted to build up a body of "work" before sharing it with him so that he would be able to get a sense of what blogging looked like for me and then be able to tell me honestly whether or not he was still comfortable with my doing it. That was a good decision as it turned out but did become a bit "tricky" right before I actually revealed it to him. I'll get to that. :)
About a week after I'd begun the blog, I made a visit to our therapist. I'd taken #4 to see him the week before and Tdub had been in to discuss the issues he and #4 were having. I went in to talk with him (the therapist) about how things were going with #4 and to basically "catch up" with him in general. He finally stopped me in the middle of my relating and asked, "What do YOU need? How can I help YOU?" I sort of broke down a little and told him that I just felt like I was missing the JOY I'd had in the past. I had no doubts that God was at work and completely in charge of our lives and our marriage, but that I just didn't feel like I was JOYFUL. I knew that JOY has nothing to do with circumstance and I believed I'd found contentment but still lacked JOY. His assessment of the situation, after a bit more discussion of my thought patterns and habits, was that I was thinking too much. Not really worrying, just thinking. He asked me if I'd ever thought about writing down my thoughts in something like a blog? I answered, "yes, I've thought about it." Not revealing to him that I'd thought about it to the point of beginning to do it just 10 days prior. He continued, "I think you should start your own blog and write about your thoughts and feelings. You need to get things OUT and this would be a good format for you." He also suggested that I do more out loud praying (like in the car when I'm alone) and begin praying more with my voice than with my mind.
I agreed and assured him that I'd try all these things.
That was almost 6 months ago. And here I am. I have more to write, obviously, but, Tdub is on his way home from the gym right now and we are going on a DATE/SHOPPING trip! woo hoo! We have Christmas money and a P.F.Chang gift card just burning holes in our pockets. I asked him earlier to give me his perceptions of the effects the blog has had on me/our relationship and I have some of my own things to relate about that as well. I'll continue with that tomorrow.
Blogging as therapy. Go figure. :)
grace
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