Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Our Gay Friends (his story)

We've been talking about the comments/questions people naturally have about these gay friends of ours I've written about. My husband was gracious enough (yet again) to share his thoughts on the matter and has allowed me to post them here.

i should also like to address how i am able to function in this circle of friends that includes very "out" gay men.

as grace has mentioned before, it’s not too frequent that we’re among these friends, but when we are, i am somewhat put off by a lot of the goings- and carryings-on … mainly bcz it reminds me of the hurt that i inflicted on grace … but also—and i certainly do not want to offend anyone—bcz of the sadness that i perceive through a veneer of happiness and pride with that lifestyle that i could have all too easily been in myself. a lifestyle that i believe to be unfulfilling, empty, and unsatisfying.

this attitude/feeling of compassion i have is not unlike the feeling i have for anyone in such a situation who finds him-/herself bereft of love and acceptance. as one redeemed, i, as much as anyone, have a responsibility to show the reason for the hope i have to those around me: straight, gay, or whatever.

i know through grace i am blessed with something valuable; something i almost lost; something i perceive they are looking for that goes beyond intercourse: that same 100% unconditional love and acceptance that our God promises us and allows me to experience through someone like grace. through our sons. through healthy relationships with other men who struggle with life just like me.

but can i with any conscience hide from it all? can i isolate myself in straights-ville and pretend my struggle doesn't exist--even though someone’s gaydar may be going off or some redneck homophobe gives me a dirty look?

Yes, that is exactly what i do. especially among my friends in straights-ville and at the straights-ville church we attend [hence grace’s gracious acquiescence to remain anonymous for the time being] but that’s ALSO another post for another time.

but we cannot turn down an opportunity to go and be among these folks. not to preach or condemn them but to love and laugh and create relationship.

who knows the moment one can be used to show the miracle of hope.

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Robert said...

Hi to the two of you!

Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Ultimately, you both have found unconditional love throught each other and that is what matters.

I can identify with the frustration, shame, struggle, hurt, that TDub has experienced in his life. The closet is a very lonely place, and it can cause one to divide their lives into the "gay and nongay" lives with neither side acknowledging the other.

For me, coming out meant being honest and not having to drain my energies thinking about who knows what and what their reaction might be etc.

TDub mentioned about gay men he has met: "the sadness that i perceive through a veneer of happiness and pride with that lifestyle that i could have all too easily been in myself. a lifestyle that i believe to be unfulfilling, empty, and unsatisfying."
I think TDub might be reading into others based upon his own experience. :-) That said, a same-sex relationship would not be, and has never been, appropriate for you.

I do think that Grace has some great advice about "coming out" (obviously my words) about your same sex attraction. I think doing it gradually and slowly would work best for you. I hope writing here has made you more comfortable about the issue.

em said...

It's great to read TDub share about the fallen state of man and that we ALL have to reckon with the fact that we are literally born into a world of sin and death. There's no escaping sin, and there's no escaping death... that is, in natural terms. Point being, we are bound to our sin; it makes its home in our lives. And, the wages of sin is death.

What is amazing is to see Christ remove the power of sin in small and large ways from our lives. Primarily, that is accomplished through His self-sacrifice that saves us from the eternal wages of sin and breaks its hold on our life on this earth. He has also accomplished that by giving us something that is far-more beautiful and love-worthy than any kind of life we'd choose to live on our own, whether that be a gay lifestyle, money-lust, being well-known, or whatever. He gives us Himself. I think that's what has let TDub know that there is inherently sadness that can be perceived through the veneer of each of our lives... some to a greater degree... some to a lesser. Point being, if our identity and importance is found in anything other than the person of Christ... that we pride ourselves in things less-valuable... we will always be hidden/trapped behind lesser things, glossing a veneer that we place to "prove" to others and ourselves that we really are happy.

grace said...

You nailed it.