A secondary sort of running theme that keeps coming up in my thinking and on this blog (other than the primary theme which is....uh....well, call it sexual attractions or gayness, or whatever) is RISK.
I was talking to a friend today during 2nd service (i went to first). He is probably the 2nd most betrayed adult individual due to the "falling away" of Tdub. We talked about several aspects of the happenings, and while we've never said this out loud, it's obvious that there's this indescribable need to reflect and try and figure out at just what point the betrayal occurred or at the very least, began to occur. At what point did the desires of the flesh overrule the good sense of the heart/mind? It's not just about figuring out how long we've been "played", that's how you feel when this occurs; it's more about trying to figure out, at least for me, how close I might be to doing something so incredibly stupid myself. When it looks like, to the casual observer and even to those very close to the situation, that some seemingly decently well-adjusted person just "up and left", you start to wonder just how close to sanity/common sense/reality any of us really are. (t.m., feel free to rebuke any of these sentiments in the comments, i speak only for myself but your input is valuable to me)
Let me just stop and confirm, for my gay readers/friends, that this has nothing to do with Tdub's sexuality and everything to do with commitments, covenants, and responding faithfully to those we love even in painful situations. There WAS a right way to go about this, or, at the very least a MUCH MUCH better way. If anyone had the support and love to do it correctly, it was Tdub.
And therein, lies the point I'm getting at as I ponder all of this. My friend and I came back to this; what are we willing to do in order to get what we REALLY want? Tdub was willing to RISK everything for this one thing. Some might say, "but you don't understand, this ONE thing is WHO he is, it is his identity as a person." I disagree. It should not be. There is NOTHING, no good gift, no part of myself, not ONE thing that is worth holding onto in this world. Nothing. I am called to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. Come what may. If my "risk" results in sinful behaviors (again, talking covenant here, not sexuality), then my risk is nothing but selfishness. The only risk that is truly a risk is the one I take which draws me closer to Him. It's the only risk that matters because it's the ONLY risk that will follow me into eternity.
I promise I won't lament over this much longer. I feel it coming to a close. There are just a few more things I need to work through. Thanks for your continued patience and prayers. You're SO much cheaper than that guy with the soft comfy couch and all those pillows! ;)
love and grace,
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