Sunday, October 15, 2006


A secondary sort of running theme that keeps coming up in my thinking and on this blog (other than the primary theme which is....uh....well, call it sexual attractions or gayness, or whatever) is RISK.

I was talking to a friend today during 2nd service (i went to first). He is probably the 2nd most betrayed adult individual due to the "falling away" of Tdub. We talked about several aspects of the happenings, and while we've never said this out loud, it's obvious that there's this indescribable need to reflect and try and figure out at just what point the betrayal occurred or at the very least, began to occur. At what point did the desires of the flesh overrule the good sense of the heart/mind? It's not just about figuring out how long we've been "played", that's how you feel when this occurs; it's more about trying to figure out, at least for me, how close I might be to doing something so incredibly stupid myself. When it looks like, to the casual observer and even to those very close to the situation, that some seemingly decently well-adjusted person just "up and left", you start to wonder just how close to sanity/common sense/reality any of us really are. (t.m., feel free to rebuke any of these sentiments in the comments, i speak only for myself but your input is valuable to me)

Let me just stop and confirm, for my gay readers/friends, that this has nothing to do with Tdub's sexuality and everything to do with commitments, covenants, and responding faithfully to those we love even in painful situations. There WAS a right way to go about this, or, at the very least a MUCH MUCH better way. If anyone had the support and love to do it correctly, it was Tdub.

And therein, lies the point I'm getting at as I ponder all of this. My friend and I came back to this; what are we willing to do in order to get what we REALLY want? Tdub was willing to RISK everything for this one thing. Some might say, "but you don't understand, this ONE thing is WHO he is, it is his identity as a person." I disagree. It should not be. There is NOTHING, no good gift, no part of myself, not ONE thing that is worth holding onto in this world. Nothing. I am called to lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. Come what may. If my "risk" results in sinful behaviors (again, talking covenant here, not sexuality), then my risk is nothing but selfishness. The only risk that is truly a risk is the one I take which draws me closer to Him. It's the only risk that matters because it's the ONLY risk that will follow me into eternity.

I promise I won't lament over this much longer. I feel it coming to a close. There are just a few more things I need to work through. Thanks for your continued patience and prayers. You're SO much cheaper than that guy with the soft comfy couch and all those pillows! ;)

love and grace,

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Peterson Toscano said...

Pam, lament for as long as you like and however you like. There is no rule book to how this goes.

Robert said...


You are absolutely correct here, and frankly this is what makes the Tdub puzzle more puzzling to me. I may be reading my own story into things, but I have observed that some people can become infatuated in the moment with someone, something, or ?????, and they will bet all of their chips on this one person or thing.

I have a hard time believing that Tdub just decided to come out as a gay man. On this point you are right -- this has nothing to do with Tdub's sexuality and everything to do with commitments, covenants, and responding faithfully. From the limited information I have, I have not sensed that Tdub is prone to break any of these things, and yet he did.

We are very fragile, imperfect creatures (and frankly this is a good example of the inherently "sinful" (using the Greek term) nature of us all). Situations like this make one realize how fragile and imperfect they are.

Joe S said...

Pam, you're right - it has nothing to do with sexuality. Over the weekend our church group discussed how Frank Sinatra's My Way ended up the most requested song at funerals in the UK. We all agreed it's a great karaoke song but not so terrific as a swansong …

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

My Way is the song of our age.

Jay said...

Thanks for your insightful post. I agree with you, and I also agree with Peterson. We'll always be here to pray for you, so don't worry about lamenting. Take all the time you need.

In Him,

grace said...

Thanks guys! It absolutely helps to hear these things from all of you...thanks for taking the time to help me sort through it

The past weekend was pretty difficult...but I can't/won't write about least not while so much is still up in the air. It did make me recognize that there are a few more "hurdles" to get past.

love and grace,

kurt_t said...



I'm sorry. I just can't get past "My Way" at a funeral.

TCS said...

time will change things but I don't think this is a "get over it" kind of happening in life.

I do hope this week and coming weekend are better than the last.

grace said...


You're right, I know. I guess I'm just afraid of turning into one of those people who gets "stuck" in one place of pain or dilemma...and becomes useless to do much else. Funny, thinking about that...makes me recognize that one of my biggest fears is becoming useless in God's Kingdom.
Gotta get to school...will have to think more about that later!
thanks for your insight!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog from Angie's. It's the first one I've seen from a woman married to a man struggling from same-sex attraction. I've delved into the archives enough to see how things are going for you, and I'm sorry that things didn't turn out better. I've been married 20 years to a man who struggles with the same thing. I didn't discover it until we'd been married almost 19 years. For at least 15 of those 19, he had been hiding it from me and everyone else... online pornography and even an occasional involvement when he was out of town. He's had some counseling and I'd like to think we will stay together. We have close friends in the church who know of his struggle now (ministers, elders, my best friend) and who still love him deeply. I still struggle with the hurt and betrayal at times... rebuilding trust is hard. I've often wished there were other women who've come through this that I could talk to, but I've never found one. I do appreciate your honesty here.

Robert said...


This is Pam's blog, and I am sure she will respond to you in a more meaningful way. That said, I hope my perspective is useful to you as a man who, at one time in my life, engaged in sexual activities with a man who was much like your husband (and also who has known men like your husband on a casual basis). Being married to a basically-straight-but-"I-get-that-itch-that-needs-to-be-scratched" man is very difficult and there are few, if any, support groups for either spouse. Here are some things I think you are probably aware of:

1. You have no control over what your husband will do. Only he has that control. You cannot be nicer, or prettier, or what have you to make him stop doing what he is doing.

2. Just because he does what he does does not mean that he would rather be with someone else or that he does not love you. Some men find that gay sex/extramarrital sex is titilating, but they would never leave their spouse for it. Others see having sex with a man as a way to avoid cheating on their spouse or girlfriend -- believing that there is no chance that romance will develop from the sex.

It does sound like you have managed to work through a 20 year marriage. I would believe that is a good sign that you can continue in your relationship. Continue to make counseling part of your marriage and good wishes to you.

grace said...

Anonymous...please email me.
I'd love to hear from you and I can't imagine having the sort of conversation we probably need to have in a comments section of the blog. I will say this here; you are doing exactly what you need to do in becoming more fully aware, by your own process of discovery, of what's really going on with regard to your husband's struggle. The potential for spiritual growth is that way, you are blessed beyond meaure.

Robert: You continue to amaze me. Maybe we should co-blog??? ;) Thanks for your particular insight and willingness to share part of yourself toward the edification others.

Robert said...

LOL! Thanks for the vote of confidence!

I hope you can help Anonymous work through her difficult situation.

-- R

Anonymous said...

Pam (and Robert)...

Thank you for commenting back. I will try to email you soon, Pam. Meanwhile, I am also joining in the conversation at Angie's.

Timothy Kincaid said...


There is a group called the Straight Spouse Network.

I don't know much about them other than that they are geared around the straight spouse and have loads of information. You can google them for more info.

I think they are fairly pro-gay (or at least not anti-gay) but I don't think they are at all political or critical of Christians or other religious folk (but I make no promises). Mostly, I think they're pragmatic.

Hope it helps.

(Pam, I have no idea why I didn't think to mention them before)

grace said...

Hey problem....David talked to me about it the last time we talked on the phone...

I'm not sure that's what I need right now at this point...maybe so....we'll see... :)
but thanks!!!! so much!!!