Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Bad Guy Vs. Good Guy

We all made it thru Aunt B's funeral yesterday.

I was the "good guy". And, of course, Tdub was the "bad guy".

At least that's how I'm sure he felt, overall.

I hate that for him, and yet, I relished in the love, concern, encouragement, and just sheer physical affection that was poured on me yesterday. I don't deserve it anymore than Tdub. I really don't. And yet, in this situation, I am the victim. I'm the one who's been hurt, forsaken, and betrayed. I don't feel like a victim, well, mostly I don't. I mostly feel like a person who is looking to God and saying "What next?" I know it involves people, whatever it is, and I am doing what I can to stay open and honest so that I can serve and do what I'm being called to do.

I would have wished something more for Tdub yesterday, though. I hope, I pray, that my purpose in all of this may result in different sorts of responses by "the church" toward folks like Tdub.

Yes....it WAS vitally important to me to feel LOVED, AFFIRMED, and ACCEPTED by the family. And truly, I was. I am. I am the great-niece of Becky Tilotta Holbrook and no one can ever change that fact.

And yet....so is Tdub. I would have liked to have seen more folks reaching out specifically to him. I did see one individual make an overt attempt toward affection. Mind you, I was not in the most observant state of mind and even at my best I tend to "zone out" in my own world. But, our preacher DID reach out specifically to Tdub. And I witnessed it. I noticed it and appreciated it even as if he'd reached out to me personally. I do love Tdub. I always will. Not in a romantic way....but in a sisterly, Christ-like way. He is precious to me. I want to see him reconciled to his family in Christ. I want to see his family in Christ reconciled to him. There is much work to be done. On BOTH sides. I certainly do not have all the answers. But, I hope for a time, when a funeral will take place like yesterday, and a "forsaken" son like Tdub will be embraced, loved, and encouraged just as I was at the service yesterday.

Aunt Becky would have done no less. Of this I am sure.

love and grace,
pam




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6 comments:

Angie said...

No way to measure a heart, but honey, yours sure is big! I'm so thankful to hear that even in the midst of your pain, your heart hasn't lost its peripheral vision for Tdub. How could it, though? That's one of the most distinguishing marks of divine love.

And Tdub is worth it!

But it still, still... it just tears me up inside that you guys are having to go through sucky stuff. I'm thankful that you got loved on at the funeral. Wish I could give you some TLC in person rather than online!

But I'm praying without ceasing...
Ang

Joe S said...

The great-niece of Becky Tilotta Holbrook is an inspirational woman.

I'm praying for you and your family.

Joe

grace said...

Angie,
You are one of the wonderful byproducts (our connection and friendship) of a very difficult time. One of the great blessing from hurt. God IS IS IS IS SOOOOO faithful!
love you!

Joe,
Your words gave me chills. Aunt B truly was a hero to me. To be compared to her that way...well...again...the blessing from pain thing is just too rich not to explore more fully.

love and grace,

pam

Bill said...

May the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, continue to comfort you, so that you can comfort others with the comfort you have received from God.

Ancient Wanderer said...

Just ran across your blog...don't even remember how now. I don't know that I have ever "seen" "read" someone who is as [I don't know what the word is] honest? open? sincere? with their feelings. You hang in there and I'll say a pray for you today - really I will.

grace said...

Bill,
That's pretty much "it" in a nutshell, isn't it? thanks! ;)

AW,
Thanks so very much. I DO appreciate it. Glad you wandered by!

love and grace,
pam