Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Just Crazy

Is it not just CRAZY that only 2 months ago I was writing about Tdub riding on the Goatneck bike race, reviewing a book I'd read, and relating the guilty sort of enjoyment that Tdub and I were experiencing as we watched DVDs of the first season of LOST?

This is what gets to me the most; the absolute speed with which all of this has occurred. It's just CRAZINESS. Maybe I AM a saint!!!!! (please hear me laughing very loudly as you read that!) :)

Honestly, I look back, as one does when things like this occur. I try and find clues, hints, just anything, that should have tipped me off to this coming. In my usual transparent fashion I'm going to share a list with all of you of what I can come up with....honestly....here it is:

1) before we went on our FABULOUS vacation in Florida at the beginning of June I remember Tdub remarking that he hoped that we'd be able to "reconnect" during our time there. My response was, "really? what's wrong? how do you feel we're not connected? I don't feel that way...what are you talking about?" I didn't get a really clear answer....I do remember him saying....."i just think we are in different places right now." We did talk at that time about the blog and how I was willing/ready to be transparent in a way that he was not....and I offered....as I did many times, to stop blogging. I would have deleted this entire thing and walked away if I'd believed it was an issue that was keeping us from being connected. I'd really hoped and wanted to go to the therapist together to discuss this stuff. I got dangerously close to deleting it at that time but Tdub literally TOOK my laptop from me and prevented it. He assured me that the blog was NOT to be deleted or discontinued. It was a good and necessary thing, according to him.

2) Sex was less...as in less often....and...as in less than completely satisfying, by the indicators we all know of, for Tdub. 'nough said. I, on the other hand, have been extremely satisfied and fulfilled by our sex life for some time. I've said to much....but...this IS, after all, a SEXUAL struggle. We can't just ignore that and leave those parts out when speaking of it.

3) Tdub started getting more offended about little things that I would do than he typically had been in the past over the very same sorts of things. For instance, I had this little conversation started with a friend I'd made from Ex-Gay Watch about possibly collaborating on a book idea I had regarding the relationship between gays and ex-gays (or post-gay, which I'm working towards along with Dr. T). Anyway, I'd exchanged an email and had happened to be on the phone with a fellow post-gay friend of ours and was sharing with him about it...and Tdub walked in and overheard. I told Tdub about it immediately after, and it was really a "timing" sort of issue. But....Tdub got REALLY offended that I'd shared this thing (which may never ever even be a "thing" but was just an idea) with someone else before I shared it with him. He was way more offended about it than would have been typical for him. It was just sort of "odd" but not in an "i'm jealous because i love you" way but more of an "well, here's more proof of the disconnectedness thing" sort of way.

All those things were just odd and weird to me at the time. I had no idea it was all magnified for HIM because of the tremendous struggle he was having over having made his own inappropriate "connection" with another person online.

Tdub may be really ticked off that I've shared all this. I'm not really even sure that he reads this blog. I may know after this! ha! Anyway....these are my thoughts and feelings....the stuff I've been working through. Take it for what it's worth. The words of a traumatized person, basically.

Thanks for your continued prayers.

love and grace,
pam


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8 comments:

Tin Man said...

I have been reading your blog. I just didn't notice you had started using your real name.

grace said...

yeah...ok... ;)

we're all getting brave, aren't we tin man?

i figured...what the heck...i gotta be ME! hehe!

actually...i gotta be who God wants me to be...but i still figured what the heck about starting to use my name.

Singer said...

Pam,
After reading your blog today I went back and found this quote from one of your prior entries and pasted it below. As you ask yourself all the "how could I have missed ______" questions, I pray that you find some comfort in the truth behind your very own words, especially the last sentence.

Peace,

Singer

"... What if he's still attracted to men somewhat....eventually he's going to "fall off the wagon" and you'll find him in gay bar looking for the life he's always dreamed about. So what if he is?(still somewhat attracted) So what if that does happen?(return to gaydom) What then? Nothing, that's what. Life goes on. God will pick us both up, piece by broken piece, and heal us."

grace said...

Singer: WOW. Thanks guy. I needed that. Again, God is Faithful...things like this continue to demonstrate His faithfulness to me.

pam

FeatherIron said...

ok, I have a question. You know I have been faithfully reading your blog but I am still confused on the "Ex-gay" "post Gay" thing. Do you not believe someone can be set free from Homosexuality as people like Exodus do? I thought I read that you feel humans were not designed by God for homosexuality, is that correct? So you can see my confusion, if humans are not designed for it, how do you help someone who wants to be "as God designed" without offering freedom from it? I really do ask all this not knowing the answer. I personally believe we are in an oversexed world that hs caused parents and children a like much confusion about their sexuality. I too believe that the plumming we have works only one way productivly so therefore we were created to procreate-male and female. But I also see children that become adults convinced that God made them with the desires they have. I sometime wonder if it's like Paul's thorn in the flesh. Are these people to spend the rest of their lives battleing this desire? I think we all spend our lives batteling something, sone thorn in the flesh so I just wonder if that is the case for Gay people. Again, I really don't know that is why I am asking you.

Robert said...

Hey Pam,

I feel your pain. I remember looking back and trying to sort things out myself. It is never fun. How are the boys doing in all of this craziness?

One (among many) neat things about you, and I think Tdub too, is that you are a constructive person who can recognize anger, bitterness, and sadness, but you also realize that these emotions do not lead down a productive path. I have to believe that the boys are coming to understand this as well through your actions in the face of Tdub's decision.

- R

grace said...

Robert,
Sorry I had overlooked your question about the boys. They are doing relatively well. I'm most worried, as you can imagine, about my two that I've sort of "lost". #2 is having a rough go of it, acting out and making bad choices in what I believe now, is more than just "typical" for his age, personality, and time of life. I worry more about this than anything and I'm doing what I can. I'm hoping to work out more time for them to be here with me. I believe that will be good for them right now for lots of reasons. It's tough. #2 (15 yr. old) is having a very difficult time right now just dealing with the knowledge that his dad is gay.

Thanks for your concern!
pam

Robert said...

Hey Pam,

I can imagine that #2 and #3 are very angry right now that their happy household has been yanked away from them, especially if #1 and #4 are not hanging around. I hope that you and Tdub can get the brothers together. They definitely need each other at this traumatic point in time.

I send out my love and best wishes,

Robert