Is it not just CRAZY that only 2 months ago I was writing about Tdub riding on the Goatneck bike race, reviewing a book I'd read, and relating the guilty sort of enjoyment that Tdub and I were experiencing as we watched DVDs of the first season of LOST?
This is what gets to me the most; the absolute speed with which all of this has occurred. It's just CRAZINESS. Maybe I AM a saint!!!!! (please hear me laughing very loudly as you read that!) :)
Honestly, I look back, as one does when things like this occur. I try and find clues, hints, just anything, that should have tipped me off to this coming. In my usual transparent fashion I'm going to share a list with all of you of what I can come up with....honestly....here it is:
1) before we went on our FABULOUS vacation in Florida at the beginning of June I remember Tdub remarking that he hoped that we'd be able to "reconnect" during our time there. My response was, "really? what's wrong? how do you feel we're not connected? I don't feel that way...what are you talking about?" I didn't get a really clear answer....I do remember him saying....."i just think we are in different places right now." We did talk at that time about the blog and how I was willing/ready to be transparent in a way that he was not....and I offered....as I did many times, to stop blogging. I would have deleted this entire thing and walked away if I'd believed it was an issue that was keeping us from being connected. I'd really hoped and wanted to go to the therapist together to discuss this stuff. I got dangerously close to deleting it at that time but Tdub literally TOOK my laptop from me and prevented it. He assured me that the blog was NOT to be deleted or discontinued. It was a good and necessary thing, according to him.
2) Sex was less...as in less often....and...as in less than completely satisfying, by the indicators we all know of, for Tdub. 'nough said. I, on the other hand, have been extremely satisfied and fulfilled by our sex life for some time. I've said to much....but...this IS, after all, a SEXUAL struggle. We can't just ignore that and leave those parts out when speaking of it.
3) Tdub started getting more offended about little things that I would do than he typically had been in the past over the very same sorts of things. For instance, I had this little conversation started with a friend I'd made from Ex-Gay Watch about possibly collaborating on a book idea I had regarding the relationship between gays and ex-gays (or post-gay, which I'm working towards along with Dr. T). Anyway, I'd exchanged an email and had happened to be on the phone with a fellow post-gay friend of ours and was sharing with him about it...and Tdub walked in and overheard. I told Tdub about it immediately after, and it was really a "timing" sort of issue. But....Tdub got REALLY offended that I'd shared this thing (which may never ever even be a "thing" but was just an idea) with someone else before I shared it with him. He was way more offended about it than would have been typical for him. It was just sort of "odd" but not in an "i'm jealous because i love you" way but more of an "well, here's more proof of the disconnectedness thing" sort of way.
All those things were just odd and weird to me at the time. I had no idea it was all magnified for HIM because of the tremendous struggle he was having over having made his own inappropriate "connection" with another person online.
Tdub may be really ticked off that I've shared all this. I'm not really even sure that he reads this blog. I may know after this! ha! Anyway....these are my thoughts and feelings....the stuff I've been working through. Take it for what it's worth. The words of a traumatized person, basically.
Thanks for your continued prayers.
love and grace,
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