Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Being Intimate with the Whole World

Drew and I are moving into our own place this weekend. We are both very relieved and excited about this. We haven't been able to do any of it on our own, but I believe God prefers for us to rely on one another, humble ourselves, and accept help in certain situations. We are all blessed as we do this.

I visited with the therapist last Saturday. It was a good visit. Between my talk with him, and the last talk I had with Tdub on Sunday, I think I'm ready to write some thoughts and begin clarifying this whole mess in my mind.

There's one basic conclusion that all three of us (therapist, me, tdub) come to and are in agreement about. This is the fact that I was more willing (and then became more equipped and capable) than Tdub to embrace the path/journey/struggle set before us in our marriage. Tdub never completely bought into or participated in behaviors and actions which required transparency of the sort that begets intimacy. I'm not talking about sex here. Intimacy. I, on the other hand, have become "intimate", or at least willing to be, with the entire world. I am NOT stating, in any way, shape, or form, that I was close to perfection as a wife or partner to Tdub. It's just that, in regards to intimacy, I was ready for it and Tdub was not. And this, became the breaking point, ultimately, for him.

The blog was not an issue for Tdub and yet, it was. He was always "proud" of me for blogging and as most of you know, even participated many times by commenting or allowing me to post his thoughts. Some of the best writing on this blog is his, and he hasn't written that much here. However, this sort of commitment to intimacy is risky and scary. I took a huge risk in sharing our lives and struggles this way. I know it must be awfully discouraging to read of the demise of our marriage, particularly for those who've read and been encouraged in their own similar path because of our story. It's still an encouraging story, as long as we figure out what was really going on here and respond appropriately. There's much to be learned from our journey, be you gay, straight, post-gay and married, post-gay married wannabe, or just plain can't figure out where the heck you fit into any of those boxes.

Hopefully, within the next few weeks, I'll be in my own place and life will be settled down enough that I can begin to REALLY process this stuff. I miss reading other people's blogs and keeping up with what's going on with Dr. T. , Jay, Randy,Inheritor(not interior:), Peterson, Christine, and my friends at Ex-Gay Watch.

Que sera' sera'!

love and grace,

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

The Adventure Continues

Adventure sounds so much more romantic than saga or tragedy. The last two weeks have been eventful, to say the very least.

I hadn't mentioned last week that I bought a new car in the midst of all this. There's no need to detail everything, but, in the giant shuffle of "stuff" it ended up best for Tdub to take the cars and for me to take the house. So, I bought a brand new car, a Kia Spectra, with a warranty so huge that I'm only responsible for changing oil, tires, and I think those little rubber windshield wiper thingies.

The lovely guest house we've been staying in, part of a much larger sort of horse-ranch type property, had been put on the market the day before Drew (that's #4's name) and I had moved in but the owner's were certain it wouldn't sell anytime soon since they'd over-priced it considerably.

The 1888-built house that Tdub and I had lived in with our four boys since the day we married was put on the market last Monday.

And here, this little adventure-within-the-adventure begins.

Monday: The realtor officially placed the sign in our front yard. My realtor is a story unto herself, by the way. Her exact words when referring to her own feelings about buying and fixing up an old house were, "I'd rather be nibbled to death by ducks." She's a peice of work. But I knew, if anyone could sell it, she could.

Tuesday: The realtor called me with the news that there was a contract on the house. I was thrilled and went by to sign some papers. I found out there's a 5-day opt out which means the person, who gave a tiny little check of earnest money, can back out any time before 5 p.m. this Sunday evening.

Wednesday: I'd gone home after school to relax a bit before Wednesday night bible class and there was a knock at my little guest house door. It was my hostess. The contract that had been put on their property had gone through and we all had eight days to vacate the property. I'd known this might happen but had been waiting and half-hoping the deal wouldn't go through. The owners doubted from the start that the contract would stick, but, lo and behold, it did. Oh goody. ;) I left shortly after our conversation to pick up Drew his friend's house and head on to church. On the way, in my brand new, one-week-and-one-day-old Spectra, I crashed into the back of a Texas-sized farm truck with a LARGE steel bumper. My Kia folded up like a Coke can and I'm pretty sure I saw the big steel bumper yawn, stretch, and go back to protecting the truck to which it's still attached. Oh woe is me. When will the madness end?

And yet, God, I'm absolutely convinced beyond all doubt, is IN this madness. The guy I'd hit was a great friend and fellow youth-parent from church. Our boys are all friends and one of them was with him. How many times do you ram into the back of someone and have them get out of their vehicle and come and give you a big hug to console you? He was apologizing to me! And I'd hit HIM! This all makes it sound like the town we live in must be very small, but it's not. The car was still barely driveable and he, along with some other friends we called, helped me get it back to the guest house. I went back to the car I'd been borrowing for the two weeks before I bought the Kia and managed, somehow, to get my wits about me that evening well enough to get a decent night's sleep.

Thursday: Drew and I got up for school the next day and walked out to see our newly crashed car in the gleaming morning sun. It overwhelmed me. By the time we arrived at school I was in tears, thinking about what all needed to be done and all that had happened. Just complete mental and emotional overload. My assistant principal was awesome and amazing and a substitute was called in so that I could take the day, catch my breath, get insurance/repair things started on the car, and begin moving our things to our next place of residence. Thursday turned out to be a wonderfully refreshing day. I actually felt I had the TIME to deal with the STUFF going on. I also spent a good amount of time visiting with our the new benevolence/counseling minister at our church. Thanks, Grandpa Sancho! ;)

Friday: Back to school and back to "normal", whatever that is. Drew and I moved all our things to our new place on Thursday night and came here (where we are now) after school yesterday. Drew and our new hostess played a few rounds of Skipbo last night while I read a magazine, dozed off and on, and just basically CHILLED OUT. It was great.

Today/Saturday: I'm going to visit with our therapist in a little bit. Looking forward to processing through some questions I have about sex and intimacy with him.

Continue to pray that God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

love and grace to you,


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Sunday, September 10, 2006

Moving On

This has been my first "normal" weekend since the madness began. I don't like being alone, even though I have many friends and folks to call on, day or night. It's still not the same as being married to the person you believed was your best friend. I miss being able to call, text, or email him at a moment's notice when even something random or funny happened. This past week, as I was reviewing records on my students, I discovered that one of my students, Stevie, is legally named Stevie Ray Vaughn (last name). I found that to be just utterly hilarious and I caught myself wanting to text or email Tdub right away. *sigh*

But, as much as I really loved having a partner to share life with, the thought of marrying again makes me nauseous. I know it's way too soon to even consider such a thing....but the reality of living alone and being alone has certainly hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend.

I've talked with Tdub on the phone a few times and we've had some good email conversations. I believe things will go smoothly and it's our goal to remain friends. So far, we've agreed on the "i'll take this, you take that" sort of stuff. Divorce just sucks.

I can't imagine hating Tdub. I don't think I have the capacity for it. I do and will get cynical at times. It's one of my favorite coping mechanisms. But still, I tend to save that for my very closest friends and even then, I have more sadness for him than anything. I'm sad for me as well. It's very difficult to have poured your heart and soul completely into something and to have it all crumble apart so swiftly. Honestly, it feels like a giant wave came in and washed everything we had away. The trouble is, I didn't even realized we lived near the beach. I mean, yeah, I was aware of the risk involved when I discovered all these things about Tdub in the first place. I told him (tdub) then that I would understand if he wanted to end the marriage. He assured me, time and again, that he wanted to be married; he wanted what we had and what God had for us together, as a couple. And at that time, I knowingly and willingly committed my life first and foremost to God, and then to Tdub and our marriage.

And now this.

Again...I appreciate your comments and encouragement...and mostly your prayers. I'm sorry I can't comment back like I used to. I just don't get much time on here anymore. But thank you...all of you.

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Sunday, September 03, 2006


Tdub has been out of town on business for the last 13 days. He returns tomorrow and we've talked off and on while he's been gone. The timing of the trip couldn't possibly have been worse, but I've come to the point where ranking the severity of good vs. bad scenarios is just pointless.

I made the big move yesterday. All my things, or at least the things I'm taking, save some hang-up clothes, are in storage. It's a 10ft. X 20ft. unit and it's packed from floor to ceiling. And God remains faithful.

I'm not sure exactly how it was organized; I'd just been told that there would be people to help and they were going to show up at the house at 9 AM Saturday morning. Around 9:15, there were 2 pick-ups, 2 SUVs, a car, and 8 people loading furniture and boxes into the vehicles. I decided that I'd better run to the hardware store and buy a lock before we were ready to transport the first load. So, I left and drove a mile or so to the store, bought a lock and returned. As I turned at the corner of our street my eyes widened, one hand left the wheel and went to my mouth, then I took in a deep breath and let it out with a quietly astonished, "oh my goodness."

The street, which is a full block long, was lined with pick-ups, trailers, and SUVs, more than half-way down the length of it and on BOTH sides! There were now 14 men and 7 women loading furniture and boxes into truck beds, flatbed trailers, and a covered trailer that looked almost as large as my entire storage unit. It took us only 2 hours and we resembled a small funeral procession as we were able to transport everything in one trip to storage.

I held it together emotionally, for the most part, until they started putting things in the storage unit. At that point, the tremendous sense of loss and the absolute heartbreak of it all, overwhelmed me and I began to sob. I started thinking about how I hated leaving things in chaos for Tdub's return. I'd had to empty his things out of drawers and put them in trash bags, and then, there was all the yuckiness that you uncover when you move things. I wanted to go back and clean all that up. Again, God was faithful and I had a trusted and admired brother/father figure to nurture me and talk me through that very difficult moment followed by prayers and hugs from my two best "soul" sisters. Afterwards, a few of us did go back, to sweep up and bring at least a bit of physical order to the place.

Having emptied all the car trunks, trailers, cargo areas, and truckbeds, one of our ministers (there were 3 ministers, 1 elder, and several deacons present) called for us to circle up and pray. Twenty-two adults and 4 children circled up and held hands in prayer. We prayed for me, the boys, and for Tdub. I'd say it was a moving experience but that would be just silly. ;)

Tdub returns tomorrow evening. I know the boys will be happy to see him. I'm still on the "one day at a time" plan and probably will be for quite some time.

We've been together, all 4 of the boys and I, this weekend in yet another house with a pool and hottub that was offered to us while the owners are out of town for the holiday. It's been great to have this time together and I've so enjoyed watching #3 and #4 going from hottub to pool and back again, chatting like little magpies the entire time. #4 and I will be back at the guest house tomorrow evening, moving forward with trying to reestablish our new sense of order and routine in our topsy-turvy world. We'll get there.

God is faithful.

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Friday, September 01, 2006

*whew* long time no internet!

I can't access anything from school....blogger, hotmail, yahoomail....nothing. Which, as I've said before is probably for the best! :)

#4 and I have been absolutely SHOWERED with nothing but love, compassion,'s just been incredible. I hate it that I haven't had time to properly (and I won't ever be able to) thank everyone. So....I thank God from whom all blessings flow. (and Christine and Sis please know that my angel of hope is with me and so encouraging to me!)

We are currently staying in a guest house of which I can't begin to describe it's incredibleness. Although....I can't help but take this opportunity to play the "one of these things doesn't belong here" that we all used to watch on Sesame Street back in the day. (remember that part??? they would show things like an apple, a pear, a banana, and then a screwdriver and ask which didn't belong?) Here's my current version:

immaculate garden areas and pathways.....beautiful and customly decorated main house with MUCHO amenities.....fully-loaded guest house with attached horse stall in which horse can actually stick his head through a door-type hatch thingy if you open it(this is where we are currently living)......acres of land full of trees and horses.....dial-up internet

DIAL-UP INTERNET????? Who knew such a thing still existed???? I checked my email ONCE this week (at the main house) and decided that if dial-up is all there is....forget it, I just can't take it. I waited for at least 2 minutes (seemed like 2 weeks) to log onto blogger and post something.....then decided slitting my wrists was just NOT the thing to be doing right now. And so, I just walked away. I figure if I can give everything else in my life over to hard could internet access really be?

It's been fine.

I did (finally) get my wireless laptop (with brand new keyboard) back today so at the very least I can drive around and latch onto someone's connection like my friend Em does ALL THE TIME even though he, unlike ME, can actually AFFORD his own service! (hahahaha!!!) Sorry Em!

I've got lots to say, as you can imagine, and no time to say it. But I'm good. I'll be better. And God is faithful. One of the reasons I know this, is because of the other folks around me here and out there (in the virtual world) who continue to hold me/us up with prayer, kindness, and physical (as in monetary) support. Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him. (Job 13:15)


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