Drew and I are moving into our own place this weekend. We are both very relieved and excited about this. We haven't been able to do any of it on our own, but I believe God prefers for us to rely on one another, humble ourselves, and accept help in certain situations. We are all blessed as we do this.
I visited with the therapist last Saturday. It was a good visit. Between my talk with him, and the last talk I had with Tdub on Sunday, I think I'm ready to write some thoughts and begin clarifying this whole mess in my mind.
There's one basic conclusion that all three of us (therapist, me, tdub) come to and are in agreement about. This is the fact that I was more willing (and then became more equipped and capable) than Tdub to embrace the path/journey/struggle set before us in our marriage. Tdub never completely bought into or participated in behaviors and actions which required transparency of the sort that begets intimacy. I'm not talking about sex here. Intimacy. I, on the other hand, have become "intimate", or at least willing to be, with the entire world. I am NOT stating, in any way, shape, or form, that I was close to perfection as a wife or partner to Tdub. It's just that, in regards to intimacy, I was ready for it and Tdub was not. And this, became the breaking point, ultimately, for him.
The blog was not an issue for Tdub and yet, it was. He was always "proud" of me for blogging and as most of you know, even participated many times by commenting or allowing me to post his thoughts. Some of the best writing on this blog is his, and he hasn't written that much here. However, this sort of commitment to intimacy is risky and scary. I took a huge risk in sharing our lives and struggles this way. I know it must be awfully discouraging to read of the demise of our marriage, particularly for those who've read and been encouraged in their own similar path because of our story. It's still an encouraging story, as long as we figure out what was really going on here and respond appropriately. There's much to be learned from our journey, be you gay, straight, post-gay and married, post-gay married wannabe, or just plain can't figure out where the heck you fit into any of those boxes.
Hopefully, within the next few weeks, I'll be in my own place and life will be settled down enough that I can begin to REALLY process this stuff. I miss reading other people's blogs and keeping up with what's going on with Dr. T. , Jay, Randy,Inheritor(not interior:), Peterson, Christine, and my friends at Ex-Gay Watch.
Que sera' sera'!
love and grace,
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