This has been my first "normal" weekend since the madness began. I don't like being alone, even though I have many friends and folks to call on, day or night. It's still not the same as being married to the person you believed was your best friend. I miss being able to call, text, or email him at a moment's notice when even something random or funny happened. This past week, as I was reviewing records on my students, I discovered that one of my students, Stevie, is legally named Stevie Ray Vaughn (last name). I found that to be just utterly hilarious and I caught myself wanting to text or email Tdub right away. *sigh*
But, as much as I really loved having a partner to share life with, the thought of marrying again makes me nauseous. I know it's way too soon to even consider such a thing....but the reality of living alone and being alone has certainly hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend.
I've talked with Tdub on the phone a few times and we've had some good email conversations. I believe things will go smoothly and it's our goal to remain friends. So far, we've agreed on the "i'll take this, you take that" sort of stuff. Divorce just sucks.
I can't imagine hating Tdub. I don't think I have the capacity for it. I do and will get cynical at times. It's one of my favorite coping mechanisms. But still, I tend to save that for my very closest friends and even then, I have more sadness for him than anything. I'm sad for me as well. It's very difficult to have poured your heart and soul completely into something and to have it all crumble apart so swiftly. Honestly, it feels like a giant wave came in and washed everything we had away. The trouble is, I didn't even realized we lived near the beach. I mean, yeah, I was aware of the risk involved when I discovered all these things about Tdub in the first place. I told him (tdub) then that I would understand if he wanted to end the marriage. He assured me, time and again, that he wanted to be married; he wanted what we had and what God had for us together, as a couple. And at that time, I knowingly and willingly committed my life first and foremost to God, and then to Tdub and our marriage.
And now this.
Again...I appreciate your comments and encouragement...and mostly your prayers. I'm sorry I can't comment back like I used to. I just don't get much time on here anymore. But thank you...all of you.
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