Sunday, September 10, 2006

Moving On

This has been my first "normal" weekend since the madness began. I don't like being alone, even though I have many friends and folks to call on, day or night. It's still not the same as being married to the person you believed was your best friend. I miss being able to call, text, or email him at a moment's notice when even something random or funny happened. This past week, as I was reviewing records on my students, I discovered that one of my students, Stevie, is legally named Stevie Ray Vaughn (last name). I found that to be just utterly hilarious and I caught myself wanting to text or email Tdub right away. *sigh*

But, as much as I really loved having a partner to share life with, the thought of marrying again makes me nauseous. I know it's way too soon to even consider such a thing....but the reality of living alone and being alone has certainly hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend.

I've talked with Tdub on the phone a few times and we've had some good email conversations. I believe things will go smoothly and it's our goal to remain friends. So far, we've agreed on the "i'll take this, you take that" sort of stuff. Divorce just sucks.

I can't imagine hating Tdub. I don't think I have the capacity for it. I do and will get cynical at times. It's one of my favorite coping mechanisms. But still, I tend to save that for my very closest friends and even then, I have more sadness for him than anything. I'm sad for me as well. It's very difficult to have poured your heart and soul completely into something and to have it all crumble apart so swiftly. Honestly, it feels like a giant wave came in and washed everything we had away. The trouble is, I didn't even realized we lived near the beach. I mean, yeah, I was aware of the risk involved when I discovered all these things about Tdub in the first place. I told him (tdub) then that I would understand if he wanted to end the marriage. He assured me, time and again, that he wanted to be married; he wanted what we had and what God had for us together, as a couple. And at that time, I knowingly and willingly committed my life first and foremost to God, and then to Tdub and our marriage.

And now this.

Again...I appreciate your comments and encouragement...and mostly your prayers. I'm sorry I can't comment back like I used to. I just don't get much time on here anymore. But thank you...all of you.

love,
grace
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8 comments:

Cranson said...

Hi Grace,

when I heard about the separation, it was as if I was hit in the stomach by a 12 guage shot gun. The early posts painted an optimistic picture of the marriage and of Tdub's therapy endeavors. As someone on his own journey throught therapy, I looked to you two as inspiration.

My heart truly goes out to you, and I'm sure you will be just fine!

Cranson

Robert said...

Grace,

I think you are not going to be too alone with 4 sons who, I have no doubt, will be hanging around you. Yes, divorce bites the big one. However, you have made a family, and that is not going to be so easy to pull apart. If I look into my crystal ball, even Tdub will be around, although not as your husband.

You know that you will take this a step at a time, and things will wind up okay.

--R

Rick said...

Grace, thanks for sharing your current thoughts so candidly with us. Your strength amazes me. I'll keep praying for all of you.

Peace.

Angie said...

Sweet Grace... Your words make my heart tender in places that have gone untouched for a long time. I have no encouragement for you except that you are not alone.

Brett and Jenny Perkins said...

Now I can pray for you by name... PAM. Love you and thinking of you often.

jenny

Angie said...

PAM! I was wondering if I had "outed" you by using your real name by mistake... Until I looked at the top of the page... duh!

But you are still full of GRACE to me! :-)

Ang

grace said...

Cranson: Thanks for commenting! Don't lose hope guy....I have not lost one ounce of hope in God or the sort of journey you're on. The key, for Tdub, seems to be that he wanted/still expected his same sex attractions to completely vanish...and they didn't.

Robert: Thanks! You've been here since the very beginning and I always appreciate your input. Glad you're back from the "hiatus" you were on for such a long time! :)

Rick: I do appreciate your prayers. Much continues to happen but God remains faithful!!! Maybe soon things will settle down enough for me resume the friendship we'd barely started when all this hit. I'd love to talk to you more about your artwork! :)

Angie: It's a bit liberating to have my REAL name on here! But I'll continue to sign as "grace"...for me, it's as more of a word of encouragement than even a name. Sure wish you could head back this direction soon!

Jenny: You are so faithful and encouraging to me! Please get in touch if you guys ever head up this way!

Edwin said...

Pam *shocked*! I never realised Grace wasn't your real name....
I cannot thank you enough for sharing your amazing story with us.
Prayers be with you!

Forever inspired,
Ed