Drew and I are moving into our own place this weekend. We are both very relieved and excited about this. We haven't been able to do any of it on our own, but I believe God prefers for us to rely on one another, humble ourselves, and accept help in certain situations. We are all blessed as we do this.
I visited with the therapist last Saturday. It was a good visit. Between my talk with him, and the last talk I had with Tdub on Sunday, I think I'm ready to write some thoughts and begin clarifying this whole mess in my mind.
There's one basic conclusion that all three of us (therapist, me, tdub) come to and are in agreement about. This is the fact that I was more willing (and then became more equipped and capable) than Tdub to embrace the path/journey/struggle set before us in our marriage. Tdub never completely bought into or participated in behaviors and actions which required transparency of the sort that begets intimacy. I'm not talking about sex here. Intimacy. I, on the other hand, have become "intimate", or at least willing to be, with the entire world. I am NOT stating, in any way, shape, or form, that I was close to perfection as a wife or partner to Tdub. It's just that, in regards to intimacy, I was ready for it and Tdub was not. And this, became the breaking point, ultimately, for him.
The blog was not an issue for Tdub and yet, it was. He was always "proud" of me for blogging and as most of you know, even participated many times by commenting or allowing me to post his thoughts. Some of the best writing on this blog is his, and he hasn't written that much here. However, this sort of commitment to intimacy is risky and scary. I took a huge risk in sharing our lives and struggles this way. I know it must be awfully discouraging to read of the demise of our marriage, particularly for those who've read and been encouraged in their own similar path because of our story. It's still an encouraging story, as long as we figure out what was really going on here and respond appropriately. There's much to be learned from our journey, be you gay, straight, post-gay and married, post-gay married wannabe, or just plain can't figure out where the heck you fit into any of those boxes.
Hopefully, within the next few weeks, I'll be in my own place and life will be settled down enough that I can begin to REALLY process this stuff. I miss reading other people's blogs and keeping up with what's going on with Dr. T. , Jay, Randy,Inheritor(not interior:), Peterson, Christine, and my friends at Ex-Gay Watch.
Que sera' sera'!
love and grace,
pam
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7 comments:
I had to be taught that intimacy was in to me see. My lack of ever having let anyone see ALL of me almost ruined our marriage. Its strange but the more I let people see me the better/ healthier I feel. Of course that does occasionally mean people don't like what they see. One of my biggest fears. But the thing is I would rather them not like the real me than like the fake me.
Pam,
Great thoughts on intimacy. It brings back many memories for me and my own struggles when I was married. Perhaps it was because I felt on-going shame for the same-sex attractions that plagued me (even in the marriage bed) or something more akin to what straight men also experience when they hold back in deeply sharing themselves with their wives.
You sound like you are taking good care of yourself. I think of you often and look forward to hearing more of your journey as you feel comfortable and able to share it.
Thomas,
Exactly. It's a constant struggle, I think, real intimacy. It seems to fight with my human nature. I'm very interested in learning more about it...and growing in intimacy with God and my fellow man. This seems integral and key to me at this juncture. Thanks for your support and prayers!
Peterson,
I'm working on taking good care of myself. It's quite expensive to be healthy, ya know?? ;) But, as I mentioned in my post, I'm getting some assistance with all that...with everything at this point. And my hope remains in Christ for health and healing. I've been a bad friend not to touch base with you since the passing of your mom...but you are in my prayers as well.
love and grace,
pam
Oh yes, the intimacy issue. I know it well. Actually, my partner concluded that I had intimacy issues with him and that it was a major reason why our relationship broke down. He probably is right. I tend to be "in my head" as my partner described it and, quite frankly, I was very guarded about sharing certain things about me. I guess there was a certain lack of trust, and some fear and shame mixed in, that kept me from being an open book. It sounds like Tdub and I have something in common with this issue.
Pam (it seems odd not to call you "grace" - which really is a much more fitting name),
Please get situated soon. I miss your comments on exgaywatch.
I've not said much during this whole process but please know that you have been in my prayers.
Timothy
Hey Pam,
I'm glad to hear things are settling down a bit. Just so you know, you and TDub are and always will be a point of inspiration for me, despite all that's happened.
I'm also finding that the transparency of blogging is helping me face my struggle so much easier (not to mention finally being in an environment where I can be completely honest about myself to others). I think you've shown an amazing amount of courage, love, and respect over the course of your blogging "career," and I hope you continue.
You know you can always drop me an e-mail sometimes if you want to talk.
Love,
Jay
Robert...yeah...maybe aside from the two heterosexual marriages and two sons....maybe... ;) But, that's a point you've already made in these comments very early on....*sigh*
Jay and Timothy,
I'll be back online
this weekend!!! I'm visiting friends tonight but am expecting a technician between 1 and 5 on Saturday...you can BELIEVE I'll be home waiting expectantly for him. I may even hug the guy! :)
Lucas (who commented on a different post somewhere),
I haven't heard from Ben. I'd sure like to though. Whether he's gone the way of Tdub or not, I'm certain he's still on his journey and that God is seeking and pursuing him still. Most folks understand that my issues with Tdub have very little to do with his being gay and pretty much everything to do with being committed in faithfulness to the journey set before you and being a good steward of the gifts and blessings God has so graciously bestowed...actual human hearts...relationships...etc...
*whew* I GOTTA get back online!
love and grace,
pam
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