Sunday, February 12, 2006

What is willful grace?

In the past week I've been given several compliments by fellow bloggers (some at Ex-Gay watch and at least one here on this blog) as to my ability to live in and treat others with grace and dignity. And I very much appreciate hearing it...but...

It's not me. I'm not really all that graceful. In fact, my blog title describes perfectly how grace works for me, hence the name. Granted, I may be bearing (i hope) certain fruits of the spirit in greater abundance than the general population; particularly love, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. But grace? I have to WILL myself to demonstrate grace to others. My husband included.

What I'm saying is that it doesn't just naturally flow out of me from some grace spigot located at the base of my neck. I choose to be graceful and to operate in a spirit of grace. It's conscious. And, while I'm able to demonstrate loads of grace as it concerns the issues surrounding this blog, my marriage, and in dealings with my sons, I'm not always that graceful in other areas of my life.

I'm having a very difficult time being graceful at school right now due to my unhappiness with "the management". My grace spigot runs completely dry it seems, the minute I walk through those school doors. It's become quite a struggle for me to remain positive and willing to give 110% in all areas there. Which entails basically any tasks that don't directly involve instruction/relations to the students. It's surprising how much "other stuff" there is to deal with in public education that can bear greatly on one's over-all demeanor.

I guess I write all this in an attempt to "keep it real" here on my blog. I don't want to give a false impression. I think I fear coming across as Martha Stewart is to the goes Grace to the Gay/Ex-gay/SomewhereInBetween Christian. Believe me, there are PLENTY of people who can attest to my lack of grace in many areas. I'm surprised at least one of them hasn't spoken up ;)....(JB).

Ok...I've gotten that off my chest. I feel better.


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