Thursday, January 12, 2006

How Low Can He Go

I'm struggling tonight. Been weeping off and on all afternoon. I feel so stupid.

You see.....this 18-yr.-old of mine has completely disappointed me for the very first time. I mean, I've been slightly disappointed by him before, but never so completely. For some stupid reason, which boils down to the general "busy-ness" of this household, I'd never actually seen a copy of his grades from Pepperdine for the fall semester. I'd known he was struggling to pass one class for sure and I knew it was difficult for him in general but I trusted him that he was keeping up and holding his own. NOPE. He wasn't. It seems the boy failed not one but two classes and did barely better in the rest. And we find ourselves entering a semester of community-type college to get the grades up to the point that he can go on with a regular university education. *big sigh*

There's just this huge part of me.....ME.....that feels like such a failure right now. I fear I haven't pushed him hard enough or had nearly high enough expectations for him. In my carefulness to respect his desires and let him figure things out for himself....I think I've overdone it and allowed him so much freedom that he's just drifted off rudderless. I mean, he's slightly upset...but not just completely bummed about it. I cried a little when I found out and he hugged me then asked, "what do i do now?" Not in an ugly or defensive way. More like a kid just asking matter-of-factly what the next step is after this. We were all set to take the 2hr. drive out to Abilene to get him set up out there tomorrow....and then the Pepperdine transcript arrived....and BOOM. The deal's off.

I really hate this. I know it's good for me to write this down and get it off my chest. I'm completely sobbing at this point....yuck!

Any encouragement would be appreciated....OH....and prayers.


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Randy said...

I am sorry to hear of this trial but it can turn for good. I like that your son took a practical approach and maybe that is a sign of his willingness to mature through this. I will pray for the Lord to give you wisdom on where to assert boundaries and where to let him test his wings.

ReasonAble said...

Mothers (the ones who care) always seem to look inward first when something doesn't go right with their children. It's ok Grace, this happens to the best of kids in a University environment. These are the times we learn the most. Say a little prayer and thank God for what sounds like a wonderful son with a level head. One thing - you might want to reconsider whether you are truly disappointed in him for this. I never heard those words out of my mother's mouth. That might not affect him well were he to know. Take care.

robert said...

Hey Grace!

I cannot add much to what has already been said. It is not unusual for freshman college students, out of the house for the first time, to indulge themselves silly. Pepperdine has a NOTORIOUS reputation as a party school, and I would not be surprised if you learn down the road that #1 was indulging.

I think that you can and will put this into perspective. There may be a reason he did not feel that it was appropriate at this stage of his life to go off to college. A few years under his belt will make a big difference. Junior college and a closer school might be the best for him at this stage of the game.

grace said...

Thanks Randy, David, and Robert. Your encouragement does help. I'm just back today from making the trip to the junior college with him. I do think this very well could turn into the most important phase of his young life up to this point. It's certainly a turning point where he has to decide what it is he really wants.

As for the partying...I've been sure for a while that he was "indulging" :). I've talked to him about it....told him that there's no way I can or even should control his every move at this point...and that the bottom line is that he'd better pass those classes. Alot of good we see that did!! I'll write more about it as I process it.

Thanks for your continued prayers on our behalf!


grace said...

Oh...and David, you'll be relieved to know that I didn't verbalize the disappointment to him. I'm pretty (very) it was obvious...I mean, I never even got mad or yelled...just weeped and cried while he hugged me. I think he got the message that I was disappointed. But I never said it out loud.

Oh..and are right...if I've learned only ONE thing in the past 6 years it's that God is in the business of turning bad for his good!