Sunday, April 29, 2007

State of the No Longer Union

I'm ready for the end of the school year. I'm longing for more slow mornings to read and write and think. I've come to cherish all this time alone that I'm getting to just do and be whatever I want. I guess I'm saying that I'm learning to enjoy being single again. I think the perfect work week schedule for me would be to get up every morning about 8:30, drink some coffee, read, write, pray, and meditate until about 11:30, eat a bit of lunch, go and teach a few classes of middle-schoolers, then come home, read a bit more or maybe exercise a little, play with Sparky, have dinner with Drew and whatever other boys are around, catch up with them, watch a movie or DVD of a good sitcom, then go to sleep. Of course that's completely unrealistic since I'd need at least 1 person on staff, even at my tiny duplex, to pull that off and keep everything paid-up, cleaned, fed, and maintained. But, I can dream.

I say all that to say, things are good with me. I'm still working through the pain but the times when I get stopped dead in my tracks and burst into tears are becoming fewer and farther between. It's been weird to find out what sorts of things have been the tipping point for that occurrence. A certain four-way stop, a wait at a fast-food drive-thru, and of course, the ever-popular particular song on the radio. I'm not certain if the fact that it usually happens in the car says more about our habits as a couple or just the fact that I'm out and about, interacting with the same world we interacted with together. Church activities are also particularly difficult and I've been dealing with that by not participating all that much. I justify that with the knowledge that I'm about to move and I'll soon begin the task of establishing a new church home. Probably not the greatest of excuses but it's working for me right now.

Thanks for checking in. Please say a prayer or two for Tdub if you read this within the week. He is in LA right now seeing his biological mother for the last time. Her death is eminent from a very swift acting cancer that overtook her just months ago. I have all the boys with me until he returns.

love and grace,

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Ally said...

Oh Pam, please don't let yourself get wrapped up in guilt about not participating much in your church right now. To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven, right? I think a lot of people would be really blessed to embrace seasons of inactivity. You don't need to make excuses...just accept and embrace. The compulsion to be constantly at a high state of activity/involvement is not of God...he rested, so we rest, too.

I'm praying for you all this morning...

Christine Bakke said...

Pam, definitely holding you, Tdub and the kids in my thoughts right now.

And yeah, I agree with Ally. Take the time you need for yourself. You probably have a lot of "seventh day of rest" days you need to use before they're taken away at the end of the year. :)

grace said...

Thank Ally and Christine.

For those of you who read this far...I did speak with Tdub this morning and his mom passed before dawn today. He did get to have some time to visit alone with her in a heart-to-heart manner before she left. He seemed at peace with things, so that's good.

Jay said...

I echo what Ally and Christine said about church: let things progress as they should. There's no timetable for this kind of stuff.

You guys have my prayers right now; Tdub especially. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent. Good luck with the end of the schoolyear. I'm sure you're looking forward to summer (I know I am).

grace said...

Jay: This time of year does become very taxing at school. Sometimes I wish we could keep the date of the last day a secret and just "spring" it on them.

We appreciate your prayers. The blessing in all of it is the brother Tdub has become acquainted with during the past two years. They will be a great comfort to one another.

I'll pray for you as well that your finals go well and your summer job is as enriching as you expect.

love ya much!

~Deb said...


I think the most important thing is your relationship with God---not your relationship with the peopel of the church. Don't worry yourself about this--and if you find a new 'church home'---then so be it.

Sounds like the end of the school year is going to be looking bright for you.

TDub is in my prayers. I hope everything's okay.