The Problem with Advice...and Sin, and some other stuff

The thing about giving marriage advice is this; every situation is different. So, while I can't imagine a situation in which I'd encourage a woman to marry an ex-gay, I do have a great deal of respect and admiration for those couples who are already married and in that situation. I'd have no difficulty whatsoever encouraging a woman to "hang in there" if already married to an ex-gay.

The overwhelming majority of wives of struggling men that I met while married to Tdub weren't aware of the struggle with same sex attraction when they entered their marriage. This, to me, is a sad reality which reflects the truth of what an astoundingly crappy disservice the church has been to gay folks in general. The church is supposed to "serve". Instead, gays and even those with unwanted attractions get beaten over the head with how abhorrent they are for being attracted to the wrong sex.

Let's just say, for the purpose of this argument, that a long lost dead sea scroll turned up where it turns out Jesus held a question and answer session on homosexuality. OK. Now. Think about that picture for a moment....or maybe two or three if it hasn't sunk in to you yet what that would look like.

My point is this. Jesus didn't operate that way. He did address people "caught in sin" or he would call people by the specific sin (murderers, adulterers, liars). But, he didn't do what a big chunk of the church does. He didn't campaign against a certain behavior or hold conferences or rallies based on wiping out certain behaviors. He seemed more concerned with the person and less concerned with the specific behavior. When he did meet folks "caught in sin", like the woman at the well, he could have a conversation with them and send them away HAPPY. I think one reason that woman was so happy was that Jesus let her know that she still had worth, even though she struggled with sin. We must be doing something wrong. I think church folks, as a general rule, get the whole sin thing completely wrong. The church does more to empower sin than the devil ever could. It's one thing to sit in a class and admit that you are a sinner, "just like everyone else," but it's quite another to have your particular sin singled out for "judgement". The thing is, ANY sin is a really BIG SIN. Sometimes I think it's my "little" sins that ARE the biggest.

I'm thinking out loud and I'm beginning to confuse myself! ha! What's my point?

I think I started out trying to make the point that it's a shame that SO MANY women end up in the situation I was in while married to Tdub. Blindsided by the fact that he struggled with same sex attraction. No woman should have to go into a marriage unaware of that fact. There are other things a woman shouldn't go into a marriage unaware of, but this happens to be my particular issue. I say that because I often have people come back at me with arguments like, "well, all marriages have struggles", or "this isn't any worse than X or Y in straight marriages". For one thing, YES, it is worse and if you doubt that please read the last 21/2 years of writing here.......and secondly, I'm not talking about ALL marriages, I'm talking about the ones where gay guys marry straight women.

One other thing....while I'm at it. I'd love to demystify the word "gay" for the fundamentalist Christian world. I kid you not, if you followed my writing in all the circles I frequent from time to time, you'd see that one must spend almost as much time defining words as making points. It's crazy. When I use the word gay, I just mean a man who is attracted to other men sexually. That's all. I don't mean an orgy-attending, HIV-wielding, substance-abusing psychotic. Just for the record.

Thanks for listening!
love and grace,
pam
View Current Blog