Sunday, December 02, 2007

Keep On Keepin' On

There have been probably 3 or 4 times during the time I've been writing this blog when I've come to a crossroads sort of place. During those times I get the idea that maybe my blogging days have run their course and it might be time to focus that energy elsewhere. I began blogging with the notion that it would be an outlet for my own thinking as well as a chronicle of the journey I was on as the wife of a guy who struggled with same sex attraction. At the heart of anyone who blogs there has to be the idea that you have something to say that is of some significance, at least somewhere to someone. Hence, the outrageously awesome (when you think about it) perk of comments. Not only do I get to tell the world, should they care to listen, what I'm thinking about, but that world can comment on my thinking. It's brilliant. I guess it follows that one who blogs as a venue for thinking would eventually spend a portion of that time thinking about the act of blogging. Thinking about thinking. It's called metacognition, and it's a higher order thinking skill. (teacher talk)

At each of those crossroads sorts of times, when I've wondered if I have anything left to say that's of significance, I've received a comment from out of the blue which reminds me of my purpose. I woke up this morning to this comment from a new reader:

GrantJM said...

Grace- I was led to you by a fan of your blog. It's refreshing how you take time to talk about those of us who struggle to find our place in this world after living so long closeted and in shame. I am one who after 29 years of marriage is just waking up and it is both a nightmare as well as some kind of dream finding myself. Thanks for not candy coating your words, but just talking from your soul. It's what we all need - it's where we hear and are heard by God best I believe.

Thank you, GrantJM, for taking the time to comment and for sharing a bit of your story that puts your thoughts as well as your compliments to me in context. Your comment was exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. I'm inspired to go back to doing some of the same sort of blogging I did when I began. I'm still processing so much of what I've been through. It seems time and even physical distance from the events can be healing in an of themselves, but the nitty-gritty work of processing things is still required in order to move forward and grow.
Grant's comment takes me back, and I'm finally at a place (emotionally) where I can do that and not completely fall apart. It truly IS a nightmare. Dealing with all this stuff. As Grant well knows, and is living this moment, his nightmare has become the nightmare of others, specifically, his wife. Over and over again, I'd be reminded by therapists, other men who struggled, other wives of strugglers, or even friends who knew nothing about the dynamics of same sex attraction and it's toll on a marriage; You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. You aren't the reason for this. You're doing the right thing. You're doing all you can. It's not about you.

While those things were true, right, good, and easy to comprehend intellectually, it was like taking an emotional enema. I always felt like all of ME had to to be gutted out so that I could intellectually respond correctly to a situation that ripped at the fiber of my emotions as a woman. Not trying to fix something actually becomes doing something when you have to work so hard not to do it. It was hell. That's the best English word I can think of to convey what that part of it was like. When I talk about that part of it, I'm talking about the sexual part. Looking back, I'm sort of amazed that I didn't drink more than I did. And while I know beyond a doubt that I used alcohol as a sort of sedative during much of that time, I can't say I ever developed an addiction to it. It's not something that appeals to me now at all. At least not in the way it did then.

And yet, there were so many things that I enjoyed about being married to Tdub. We had great rapport when it came to talking about things that interested us like movies, people at church, theological stuff. His brain had been programmed, it seemed to me, with Church of Christ doctrine (which doesn't really exists, btw hehe!) and my brain was constantly trying to figure out what it meant to really be a Christian. This made for some great discussions where we'd sometimes disagree but with a great deal of humor. We did the sorts of things together that keep couples together. But there was always this nagging issue, like a gnat that won't die, swirling around the boundaries of all our good times.

I will process more. Thank you Grant for your inspiration and encouragement. I've got mucho sewing to do. I'm working on some fund raising projects for Christmas money. I'll post some pictures later...maybe even later this evening.

Sparky is wonderful in his stubborn, impish, dachshund way. Having figured out that momee gives treats from the fridge (cut up cubes of spam) when he comes in when called from outside, he's now decided to bypass the outside step altogether. He will get my attention that he wants outside. I follow him as he prances down the little hallway to the back door. I open the door, and he turns and prances back down the hall and stops in front of the fridge with his tail wagging. Gotta love that!

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Ally said...

Yes, Grace...just...yes. Your thinking aloud is making a difference.

I'm going back to blogging, too, after a two year hiatus that began when I started dealing with my own issues in earnest. I'm really hoping it makes a difference for someone.

It's here: Crossing the T. I know you're so busy and have tons of blogs to read on top of that, but I'd love it if you'd drop by and give it a look!

grantdale said...

Good Lord Grace -- it's a wonder we don't all "drink more than we do" is it not!

Anyway, that's NOT why we're here. No, truly.

We actually dropped by to say we came looking for your site when the 5 year old niece was trying to explain the "very nice dog" she had seen in the street. From the description... that would be a Sparky.

Now, she has a fluffy white rat of a bouncy yappy thing that she adores, but the "sausage dog" of yours done did her in.

If Sparky, heaven forbid, ever get's kidnapped -- email us. We think we'll know who did it: Rose. Don't know how she will pull it off, from 12000 km away, but she's a determined little thing when she puts her mind to it.

(genetically she's on Grant's side -- so you should be very worried, even at that age!)

cheers, anyway, and hope you and your's are well.



ps: we didn't read it out for her, but we were saddened to hear the news. Glad to hear Sparky's picking up though. If he's up to it, give him a hug and a good chin scritching from a 5 year old girl who thinks he's "very cute" with a "happy face".

If you like, we'll both give Rose one of those from him in return :)

Mark said...

I totally agree with Ally! Your blogging does make a difference for many! There may be dry spells here and there, but your writing is reassuring in many respects.

If I may say, it is not easy to share such personal thoughts, feelings and experiences. But what I have learned, as I see in your writing that you have, it allows us to heal, grow, and support others dealing with trials relative or not.

God is so aware of my humanity, and humility draws me closer to Him. That humility also has enabled me to be much more understanding and compassionate, and certainly not so quick to make judgements.

As long as you write, I will have something to gain! I have learned from you so much of what my own ex wife has been through.

Anonymous said...

Yay Sparky! I'm sorry if I offended you, Grace, but I work at a large referral hospital and I see the worst of the worst. Nine out of 10 dogs might be fine after what he went through, but I worried you didn't understand the risk you were taking. You obviously love your dogs so much, I worried that you would never forgive yourself if it turned out there was something bad going on and you caught it too late. I'm so, so glad that he's well, and I hope the vet didn't bankrupt you (or your mom). Give him a kiss from me!

All the best, The Vet.

grace said...

G/D: You never fail to make me laugh or smile. Thanks for checking in here, for your thoughts, and certainly for your Rose story. love it, love it!

Mark: I appreciate your humility and compassionate heart. Oh...and your comments...always love the comments! ;)

Vet: I'm so relieved you came back! I was just feeling a little "punchy" I guess when I got that comment from you. My reaction was proof that even though I think I have great faith in God to work out the details of things like Christmas, etc...I still worry. You were "open game" for my internal frustrations that day! So glad you're still reading....and commenting!

love and grace to all of you...and thanks Ally for the blog address!


Brady said...

Grace- thanks for doing what you do. I know both my mom and I have learned so much from you as a person and your story on this blog. It's always good to be reminded of those types of things, so here's my little reminder ;-)

Journeyman said...

Grace - Thanks for this post. I haven't been blogging much lately either, and I haven't decided if this is a result of (1) surrender; (2) lack of energy and discipline; (3) or complete denial. So thanks for a bit of encouragement, that someone somewhere might get something out of my messed up life. And for what it's worth, I get a lot out of your "Keepin' On". Thx.