I talked with Tdub tonight, in person. It was good. (at least that was my perception of things...you tend to doubt all your perceptions when something like this happens)
He'd been telling me that he'd written something he'd like to read to me and we had that opportunity tonight. I'm going to make an effort to express where he's coming from based on what he read to me tonight. It's important for me to process it, and I think it's an important peice of the giant puzzle that is gay, ex-gay, wanted vs. unwanted attractions.
I want to emphasize, first, that when I look at Tdub I don't feel anything but love. I consciously choose to look at him as I believe Jesus would. I WILL myself to extend grace to him even if he deserves judgement. I can't help but love and ache for him when I see him this way. He doubts God's love. He loathes himself. Hurting me and hurting our family is, in his mind, a matter of self-preservation at this point. I don't agree with his reasoning, and yet, I understand that it's the best he is able to do at this given moment.
In listening to his "treatise" as he called it, I heard one thing very plainly. He believed that marriage to me was part of the answer to his dilemma. He went into the marriage hoping that by marrying the "embodiment of God in a female" (or something like that, as he put it) healing would find him or he would find "it".
This never works. NEVER. If you are a same sex attracted guy who wants to get married and have a family....please KNOW this. NO WOMAN, no matter how wonderful she may be (heck, look at me!! hahahaha!!!) can help you.
This really is a journey one must make alone.....even if you're married. It can be done. I still don't doubt that. I see and know of specific things that were not acted upon. I know of more that could have been done had the heart been in the right place to do it. And yet, I understand and I'm sympathetic towards Tdub in that he is weary. I'm not going to stand in judgement of him. God will take care of that, in His time, in His way. And I pray for mercy for Tdub. I really do.
love,
grace
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James 4:5
And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."
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7 comments:
"though we struggle against things because we are afraid of them, it is often the other way round-we get afraid because we struggle." C.S. Lewis-Unpublished Letters.
Grace, have I told you lately that you're probably one of the best Christians I've ever known?
I don't know where marriage fits into the picture of my life. It may not at all. That last bit of knowledge makes even me feel weary, because it's something that I want so much.
But through the faith of some amazing people I've met (you especially included), I am being inspired to press on. God bless you, Grace. Take care of yourself, and let God take care of you too.
Love,
Jay
I am somewhat shocked that Tdub would consider your marriage as part of the answer to his conflict. During my own ex-gay experience, I avoided making hetero-marriage my goal because I felt it would be unfair to use a woman and marriage as an experiment. You are absolutely correct to recognize that Tdub needs to go on this journey alone.
I say 'somewhat shocked' because I do understand how hetero-marriage is idolized in conservative Christian culture. The other valid biblical option, celibacy, is rarely considered or even discussed.
Your compassion and clarity amaze me, Grace. I can't say that I would have the same compassion if I was in your situation. Thank you for sharing your story at what has to be a difficult time. Your faith is a real example.
You, your sons, and Tdub are in my thoughts.
Grace,
I'd like to echo Jay's sentiments. You have shown me over and over your compassion and love to all.
I'm so sorry this has happened. My prayers are certainly with you and TDub, and I hope you know how many people you have out here to lean on if you need it.
"I hope you know how many people you have out here to lean on if you need it."
And don't forget that!
You are an example of a true Christian Grace, and your life by example will have more positive effect on others than all the hell-fire and brimstone in the universe.
My prayers are with you, your kids and Tdub. Lean on God and don't try to figure it all out. The pieces will fall into place.
Hey Grace... I'm sorry to chime in late. I'm just getting caught up on this unexpected twist your lives have taken. Girl, I wish I could give you a REAL hug... I'm wrapping my arms around you in my mind. Life is just so incredibly messy.
Tdub, if you're reading this... I'm sending you a hug too! I know it's not easy for you either, friend.
I have many more emotions that just can't be translated into words for a blog comment... But I wanted to be HERE for you, Grace... on the blog where I first met you.
I love y'all...
Angie
Grace,
I agree with what you and Inheritor said about marriage not being the catalyst for this sort of change. However, I question whether Tdub would be leaving the marriage based upon unfulfilled hope that you could change him, or that he is leaving for reasons of self preservation as he told you. I believe that Tdub was sincere when he said that he was sexually attracted to you. Indeed, he carried on a sexual relationship with you for a significant period of time. There seems to be missing pieces in this puzzle.
Anyway, I won't play amateur psychologist on this one, especially since Tdub has a professional counselor. Just know that you had nothing to do with Tdub's decision. It was his alone.
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