“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” ― Robert Frost

Reflecting kind of sucks at first. I guess that's why I've been so hesitant to do it. But I'm doing it.

I was initially shocked by the volume of posting I did back then followed by a feeling of dread at the idea of  reading each one. I always find things I wish I'd said differently or blatant grammatical errors - things that make me cringe at the look and sound of my own writing. But mostly, it's substance that concerns me. Since I've made what I consider to be a monumental shift in my thinking about the bible and God, and since I apparently spent the majority of my time back then thinking and writing about those things, I guess I fear reading it and feeling a disconnect so vast that I won't be able to relate at all to that person. And since that person is ME, that's scary. But that didn't happen as I read my first three posts. *whew*

I was outrageously obsessed back then with doing right in the eyes of God. That part seems weird now, but it's not because I don't agree with the overall sentiment. I think God and religion did exactly what God and religion are meant to do. I drew strength from my faith and was able to perservere in a difficult situation that I willingly chose for myself. I don't regret marrying Todd. I don't regret having been immersed in church work and religious activities and ceremonies. Those were exactly the things that were good for our whole family at that time. We grew together and learned about each other and truly came to love one another. We had alot of FUN doing all of that stuff. I just refuse to view that as wasted time.

I'm ashamed at times that I don't continue to do more of those sorts of things. We used to take the boys to the nursing home to give the Lord's Supper. Maybe I've written about it before. I don't remember. We'd sing a few songs with them and take their prayer requests. We might hear about their ailments or those of family members. You could tell they were just happy to have someone there to talk with them and care that they existed.  That put good into the world no matter whose almighty name it was done in. We helped bring a little joy to old people on a regular basis. I should be doing more of that NOW.

I don't believe one moment of that experience was or will be wasted in my life. It's all a part of who I am today, and I'm happy and at peace with me. I'm grateful for the associations we had with "church people." I fundamentally disagree with them about a few things at this point, but this is still America, and as far as I know I'm allowed to do that. I don't wish them any harm, and I don't believe they set out with the intention of bringing harm to me or even to Todd at that time. In the end, I believe the good outweighs the bad which for me is what a belief in God sort of is. God is love. Three words from the bible that I prefer to take literally.

So yes, I still believe in God. Just a more all-encompassing version of God. Todd started calling it "the Universe" at some point back when we were both still single, and I'd scoff at him, roll my eyes, and insist he say "God." I'm entirely over that at this point, but I still silently scoff and resist the urge to roll my eyes at his current tendency to use the term "Goddess." I guess I'll get past that as well at some point.

The most valuable thing that can come from our experiences in life is that we actually learn and make progress as a result of them. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, I've only ever wanted to become more real, and the only way to make life real, it seems to me, is to learn from it. I believe now that my resurrection exists in the legacy I leave. What did my life - my story - leave in the world that could carry on? I no longer feel the need to be physically resurrected. It's so freeing and peaceful.
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Whoa. I sat down not really knowing what I was going to write about today other than just reading a few posts and seeing what happens when I reflect on them. I'm glad I did that.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love, and grace,

pam





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