Saturday, September 16, 2017

“We do not learn from experience... we learn from reflecting on experience.” -John Dewey

So, here I am, eight and a half years later. I suppose it's about time for an update even though it feels somehow pretentious - as if there's a school of people piranhas waiting to gobble up every word I have to say. The fact that I feel the need to address the fact that I'm writing on my blog again annoys me, but a fear lurks there telling me I'm not good enough or smart enough, and I've made stupid decisions that brought pain to others. And even though all of that is true, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't trust myself and continue to make progress. Who among us is really good enough? Smart enough? Or hasn't ever made a decision that didn't result in pain of some sort? Who? No wonder the Al Franken character on SNL always said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." It's obviously a pretty universal feeling. So in spite of my fear of people piranhas, I will go bravely where I need to go and start writing my reflections here on this blog. The truth is, I don't expect to be good enough or smart enough because I intend to keep getting better at both of those things for as long as I live. I guess I'll always struggle with wanting people to like me, but I see the key to that now is in liking them first. Just being kind and respectful to others, no matter who they are, goes a long way. If people don't like me after that, oh well. You can't win them all, and I'm not ever going to be everyone's cup of tea.

I still haven't been brave enough to go back and read all of the blog. So far, I've only read the last post I made in March 2009. I haven't even taken the time to reread Kurt's post - Empty Box Faith - nor have I communicated with him since that time. It seems weird now. It's like my entire life from back then is a book I read once and fear reading again. I recognize now that no real progress will come from any of it if I don't take the time to reflect, and while I've been doing that mentally for the past two years or so, it's time to do it in writing. I guess I want to do it publicly like this because when I blogged before I found it so encouraging and enlightening to hear from others who connected in some way to what I was saying. It wasn't a great number of people, but it didn't need to be. I was writing anonymously back then, and I vividly remember my first comment, "I think I love your blog." It doesn't take that many people listening, caring and being kind to spark encouragement. In fact, it took only one, and it made an enormous difference for me at that time. Feeling heard and understood is powerful.

This reflective process that started two years ago was instigated by the birth of our first grandson. Yep. Todd and I are now grandparents. He's PopPop and I'm Gann. Becoming a grandparent made me feel like I was living forever and dying at the very same time. It was the stark realization that just as I've attended the funerals of all my grandparents, sure as shootin' this little guy will one day attend mine. What sort of legacy do I want to leave to him? Am I just going to be his quirky, free-spirited, teacher grandma who once married a gay guy? If I had a grandparent with that sort of description, I'd probably wonder about a few things.

So here goes. I'm going to blog again and piece together a narrative that will hopefully bring some meaning and understanding into the world for myself, my loved ones, or anyone else interested in reading it. I've definitely changed my outlook on some things. Mostly religious things. But I always leaned toward a more progressive and liberal interpretation of Christianity, so I don't believe my core values have really changed. I guess we'll see as I reflect and write about it.

I think one of my biggest fears in sharing the way I've changed is the fear of being demonized by traditional Christian believers. I've accepted the fact that it will likely happen. This little paragraph is to state that upfront. Demonize away if you so choose. I'm okay with it. I stopped believing in the devil several years ago, but I understand that some folks need that, and my belief shift could easily be blamed on him if that's the sort of mindset you have. Oh well.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,

pam


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2 comments:

Bose said...

Hey Pam... I am also new-ish to being an oldster, approaching 58, who is delighted to find your post in my RSS feed (proof of my being old school?).

Please, no, there is no pretentiousness in speaking up again. I'm just one guy, but I remember you and your voice vividly... thank you for popping up... I look forward to whatever is to come.

Peace...

grace said...

I'm JUST seeing your comment today! Thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm relearning how the blog even works, so I hadn't even seen these comments until I was poking around in here today. I'm definitely going to write more regularly. Thanks so very much for reading.