Friday, January 11, 2008

Sucks to be Me

I have down days. You know the sort. At least, I'm hoping you do in a really nice way...the way that means it's normal and perfectly sane to have days when it just sucks being you. I came home today feeling that way. Thinking about how I never intended to end up all alone in the world. Even though I know I'm not alone at all. And even though I recognize, intellectually, that I have no reason to be depressed or down about the fact that I've been married TWICE. Heck, gay people can't get married once, and I'm knockin' em back like a frat boy at a keg party.

Sometimes I'll hear people talk about their experiences and they'll preface the whole thing with, "if I knew then what I know now..." OK. That's just nuts. If you didn't go THROUGH the experience you wouldn't KNOW what you now know. That's the sucky part of the whole thing.

I'm always telling my students..."stay in the moment"....because they are constantly wanting to know what we're doing next. I need to take my own advice....but....the moment I'm having right this second really sucks and I don't really want to be in it even though I'll probably end up looking back in a few years and wishing I could be right back in this moment. Oh please, Lord, don't let that happen. And so...I'm thinking....well...what is it you want? Do you want to meet someone? Do you want to get married again? What do you want?

I DON'T KNOW!!! augh!

All I know is that right this second, it sucks to be me.

thanks for listening.....and I'll get better....promise.

love and grace,
pam

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11 comments:

Pomoprophet said...

you of all people are allowed to have bad days! You are always so optimistic. So this is ok. And hopefuly us blog folk can love on you like you are always doing to us!

I think this is just the ebb and flow of life. I remember being so miserable in college and now I look back on it as "the good old days." So I think you're right. And I think by processing all this you are "staying in the moment."

You're a champ Pam!

seithman said...

Heck, gay people can't get married once, and I'm knockin' em back like a frat boy at a keg party.

You certainly have a way with words. The mental imagery I'm experiencing is priceless.

Yeah, I think we've all been there at least once (and if anyone's only been there once, I say they're darn lucky). So just go with the flow. Hopefully, tomorrow will suck less.

-- Jarred.

grace said...

pomo: thank so much...see...just the fact that you stopped by and read my thoughts and commented...that's the sort of stuff that makes me "know" that this is just a passing faze because it's so awesome when i really think about that...i mean...really...put stuff out there and folks from all over come around and read it and encourage you...i love the internet!

jarred: yes...less suckage today would be great...thanks for being a faithful blog friend! :)

lakelady said...

Sometimes the things we have to go through do indeed suck. There are really no mistakes, just life's lessons. Sometimes those lessons are hard. Just know what you do for others here in cyberspace is wonderful and we will pray for you. Today will be brighter and you will again touch someone's life in a positive way and rejoice in it.

grace said...

Brady's MOM!! I think about you every time I read his stuff...Thanks for your encouragement and most of all those prayers!

kurt_t said...

I think those of us who've been through the kind of ordeals that you've been through, or different kinds of ordeals, like domestic violence or warfare or addiction or some terrible accident, on our good days, we look back on the ordeal and we say "That made me a stronger person." Or "That made me a more compassionate person." Or a braver person, or a better teacher, spouse, mom, dad, nurse, artist. On your good days you can see some profit in the ordeal.

On your bad days, your worst bad days, I think you look back on the ordeal, and you say "This has all been some terrible mistake. I wasn't supposed to survive that ordeal. What am I doing here?" And instead of feeling stronger, you feel like you're pinned under a pile of rubble, scorched, bleeding, paralyzed, and you look up at that mushroom cloud rising over your head and say "What kind of cruel joke is this?"

But the good news is even the worst of the worst of the bad days of your life only lasts 24 hours, and that mushroom cloud is going to blow away, and you're going to drag yourself out of the wreckage and, when you do, you're going to find out that you weren't really alone.

grace said...

Kurt...oh my...now I'm sitting here bawling. That was beautiful and so correct. How about co-blogging with me? ...oh my gosh...there's a picture of flo...and...wait a minute...your name...i see your name over there...hey...you DO blog here... ;)

kurt_t said...

A blog post is coming. I can feel it coming!

The cat got sick, and the kid's been a rampaging hooligan for maybe ten straight days, so I've been a little preoccupied is all.

grace said...

i totally understand...just love messin' with ya! but still...come on....pump one out for us!!

David said...

Hugs to you, Pam. Your last few posts haven't been all that "uppity". Which is certainly normal: you shouldn't feel bad on top of it for feeling bad. But as Kurt said, it passes. And at the end of the day I know you have wonderful friends in life and online, and many people whose lives you have touched. And if you feel you are stuck on 'empty', you will not be stuck on empty for long, and God will surprise you with his fullness. May he do it soon. :)

Journeyman said...

I'm late to the party, but I find this post beautiful for its honesty. I found a greeting card that stated, "It's more interesting to be real than perfect." As one Sucks-to-be-me person to another, thanks for sharing.