It's almost impossible, at least for me, to meet new folks and not have it come to light rather quickly that I've been married twice. The whole thing with the last name, the boys, where they are, why I'm here.....it's just inevitable. Unless, of course, I want to become a completely different person than I am and not make any friends at all. I really like people. I've gone back over it in my mind (surprise, surprise), and it's not that I blurt things out without being asked. It's more like I create an atmosphere where people feel comfortable asking me just about anything. And then, I just answer.
And so, I'm here in this new place and it's great. It's awesome and it was totally the right thing to do. I'm certain of it. But the guilt, or maybe it's just the sense of failure in that one particularly important area of life, followed me here. The good news is, the invisible baggage that looms over me does feel much lighter here. Way lighter. I don't have to console, or give an update on the status of Tdub and the boys, to every 3rd person I meet in Walmart. Although, the Walmart experience has taken on a new twist altogether since I've yet to go in the tiny one here without running into at least one blood relation. And, not to get all "martha stewarty" on you or anything, that's a good thing. So far. (hee hee!)
It's all good, or at least as good as it can be. It must be "pity party" day on my lunar calendar. The thing is this. There is no way that any of us can look back at any part of our life and not see things we could have done differently, better, or more purposefully. It's just a fact of life and the way God designed it. And so, when I look back, and see failure in those areas, I look at the things that I did or didn't do or could have done differently. And it just sucks. Great big time sucks. This song was written for alot of folks, but it sure as heck speaks to me. And, since I'm a big internet weenie and don't know how to imbed the video here into my blog even though I've tried like 18 times and am logged into YouTube and the whole thing....I'll just put the link to it here.
love and grace,
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