Monday, August 06, 2007

Beyond Guilt

I'd love to be able to say that I've arrived at a place where I feel completely beyond the guilt of yet another failed marriage. But, I'm not there yet. It sucks being 44 yrs. old and being twice divorced. I can find a wonderful spot to live or spend quality time with friends and family but I still can't seem to get past that juncture just yet. Cliches' ramble over in my head: "best laid plans", "hindsight is 20/20", "such is life", and on and on.

It's almost impossible, at least for me, to meet new folks and not have it come to light rather quickly that I've been married twice. The whole thing with the last name, the boys, where they are, why I'm's just inevitable. Unless, of course, I want to become a completely different person than I am and not make any friends at all. I really like people. I've gone back over it in my mind (surprise, surprise), and it's not that I blurt things out without being asked. It's more like I create an atmosphere where people feel comfortable asking me just about anything. And then, I just answer.

And so, I'm here in this new place and it's great. It's awesome and it was totally the right thing to do. I'm certain of it. But the guilt, or maybe it's just the sense of failure in that one particularly important area of life, followed me here. The good news is, the invisible baggage that looms over me does feel much lighter here. Way lighter. I don't have to console, or give an update on the status of Tdub and the boys, to every 3rd person I meet in Walmart. Although, the Walmart experience has taken on a new twist altogether since I've yet to go in the tiny one here without running into at least one blood relation. And, not to get all "martha stewarty" on you or anything, that's a good thing. So far. (hee hee!)

It's all good, or at least as good as it can be. It must be "pity party" day on my lunar calendar. The thing is this. There is no way that any of us can look back at any part of our life and not see things we could have done differently, better, or more purposefully. It's just a fact of life and the way God designed it. And so, when I look back, and see failure in those areas, I look at the things that I did or didn't do or could have done differently. And it just sucks. Great big time sucks. This song was written for alot of folks, but it sure as heck speaks to me. And, since I'm a big internet weenie and don't know how to imbed the video here into my blog even though I've tried like 18 times and am logged into YouTube and the whole thing....I'll just put the link to it here.

The Fray

love and grace,
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Steve Boese said...

I hear you, Pam.... take good care of yourself, eh?

Anonymous said...

My heart just aches. I read the lyrics to this song. Adeep and fruitful life does not gaurantee one without the pain of losing sometimes.

There is a quote, and it's source is kind of funny but sooo meaningful. I'll save you the source but it goes "...We can do everything right and still lose. That is not failure. That is life."

Take care.

grace said...

Thank you Steve, you're a comfort to me.

Wow. That one hits the nail on the head. I'll have to print it up after I google the source. Can't wait to see who that might be!

Anonymous said...

oh boy! Capt. Jean Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. He says it to Dr. Crusher who is trying to save life. Save you the trouble.

Anonymous said...

I sure do miss you!! You are in my thoughts and prayers. M loves his basketballs up in his room. The look so good. His room is very special to me.
Love you,

Norm! said...

Hang in there, Pam. Thank you for sharing that song. I've never really listened to its lyrics before.

Inheritor of Heaven said...

Thanks for the song, and the term "invisible baggage". I will be using that during some counseling sessions to help people have an idea what is going on in their lives.

grace said...

I'm so glad there's some physical evidence of my presence there in M's room! :) I love you! I found the cutest little Park Ranger hats at the park here but I need to buy like 8 of them to have enough for all my little friends back in Granbury!

Glad you like it. Thanks for hanging in there with me through all this.

Good to hear from you! I read your stuff all the time and enjoy the lessons. Just haven't commented much lately.