No Regrets

   I've always had a complicated relationship with regret. One the one hand, if all learning happens through reflection, at least a little regret is necessary for making any sort of progress in any area of life. If you can regret something and still be grateful for the experience doesn't the gratitude cancel out the regret? Maybe the problem I have is that regret sounds too negative and too strong a sentiment for major life experiences. I can regret eating pizza late at night or not taking a jacket on a cold day. I'm fine with those. Those are things I can and want to correct.

    I think the problem I have with regretting major life choices, like marriage, is that the idea of going back and correcting those decisions would change way too many wonderful consequences. How could I regret something that also brought me such joy, laughter,  love, and beauty? Isn't the entire point of "all things work together for good" that it includes ALL things? 

    Today is my 62nd birthday. My overall sentiment about life in general is that I've not made things easy on myself, and I know I made things harder for my boys than it had to be. I do regret that. I'd go back and change parts of that if I could but not the whole thing. I think of all the things I've done in my life, and I mean ALL of them, the greatest and most important thing I ever did was teach grace to my sons. You can only really teach grace by example. Words just don't cut it. It makes me think of a bible verse I've heard thousands of times growing up in evangelical church-always before an offering of some sort. Always. Go figure. But I don't see it as a verse about money at all. It's about love, grace, peace, joy, etc... All the important things. Not money.

Luke 6:38 -Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Paul McCartney said it like this: 

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

    My boys are good humans. They're not perfect, but they're full of grace. I experience that grace firsthand every time they hug me, or say "I love you, Mom," or basically just continue to desire a relationship with me at all. So many parents don't have good relations with their children. I am blessed beyond measure on my 62nd birthday, and I doggedly refuse to see it any other way. 

No regrets.

Thanks for reading!

love,

grace

View Current Blog

Thomas Merton Tracks

    It is a truth that real, authentic learning can only happen through reflection. You can't skip that part. I know that. I'm a teacher; it's what we do. 

    So I've finally mustered the courage to start looking back at some of the posts I wrote while I was married to tdub. There are not quite 200 of them which means it would be a pretty quick read if I were able to plow through it all in one sitting. I'm glad I'm not able to do that because there's a lot of stuff there I need to revisit, feel, and process. Sometimes it feels as if another version of me is moving through my body like a wave as I read. It puts me back in that moment, but going back is necessary because when you mess up at anything you have to take time to figure out the why of your mistake so as not to keep repeating it. And I'm not talking about the mistake of marrying a closeted gay guy. I mean, all things being equal, if you're going to marry the wrong person it may as well be a closeted gay guy. I've never had a problem with gay people, even at the height of my religiosity. For the most part, I find them delightful and, due in large part to the religious trauma of my youth, I feel a strong kinship with gay folks. I'm talking about not demonstrating an ability to make decisions in my own best interests as it pertains to relationship. I see now that I've been avoiding the very thing I most need to do if I plan to keep learning, growing, and improving. I'm about to turn 62, but I see no reason to let that deter me from my endeavor. In fact, it's more imperative than ever that I finally figure this shit out. 

     Being back in Duncan with my boys has given me the strength to do it. Go figure. I guess the best thing about Duncan being pretty much exactly the way it was when I grew up here 60 years ago is that it puts me back in that time and place much like reading the blogs about life with tdub puts me back in that time and place. It's a lot. It's been a lot. But I'm getting there. It's like I had open heart surgery as a child and the doctor botched it up. And somehow, in this, choose-your-own-adventure video game of life the rules state that the only way to move forward is to go back, untangle the mess and get your heart, mind, and soul functioning correctly. I don't remember who said it first, but if we're not learning we're dying. Obviously, I'm not done learning.

    The blog post I read today was from July 2006. I felt huge waves of comfort and strength as I read it. It moved me to tears. I may have been living in the middle of a slow motion train wreck back then, but I was always searching for meaning, trying to make sense of things, and basically just doing the best I could in my current state of growth. I posted it less than a month before tdub came out and our marriage ended. It's a Thomas Merton quote, and it resonated with me in a deep and profound way then just as it does now. I have a different view of it now, particularly the Jesus parts, but the words and the sentiment move me still. Thomas Merton tracks. Here it is:

    "My Lord, I have no hope but in Your cross. You, by your humility, and sufferings and death, have delivered me from all vain hope. You have killed the vanity of the present life in Yourself, and have given me all that is eternal in rising from the dead.

    Why should I want to be rich...to be famous and powerful? Why should I cherish in my heart a hope that devours me - the hope for perfect happiness in this life - when such hope, doomed to frustration, is nothing but despair?

    My hope is in what the eye has never seen. Therefore, let me not trust in visible rewards...Let my trust be in Your mercy, not in myself. Let my hope be in Your love, not in health, or strength, or ability or human resources." - Thomas Merton

    

 As always, thanks for reading! It feels good to write again. 

grace

View Current Blog

"The only way out is through." -Robert Frost

I have so much to write about that I often feel stuck or frozen. I started a post about how my mom served as the church secretary and how that impacted so many aspects of my childhood growing up. But it all turns into a jumble somehow like it needs to cook a little longer before it's ready to come flowing out of me. Who knows. I just know that I feel like I need to be writing, and somehow, hitting publish on these blog posts gives me a sense that I've done something worthwhile. 

The main thing I'm trying to unravel is exactly how the religious and cultural indoctrinations/lessons/experiences I had as a child here in Duncan impacted my ability to be successful in other aspects of my life. It's not about blame. It's about unraveling knots that happened, for whatever reason, and moving forward toward greater emotional health. Living here has literally forced my mind into this place because I'm surrounded by it. Like living at the scene of some sort of accident. It feels like I have no choice but pick myself up and to do it. And that's what I'm trying to do. 

And it's horrible. It's painful. It's excruciating. But the thing is, the fact that it's so painful points me toward the notion that it simply must be done. There's no way forward but to go right through.

So that's what I'm doing. Come what may. 

That's all I've got for now. But I'll be able to hit "publish" and move forward with today knowing that I did some writing. Thanks for reading!

love,

grace

View Current Blog