Thomas Merton Tracks

    It is a truth that real, authentic learning can only happen through reflection. You can't skip that part. I know that. I'm a teacher; it's what we do. 

    So I've finally mustered the courage to start looking back at some of the posts I wrote while I was married to tdub. There are not quite 200 of them which means it would be a pretty quick read if I were able to plow through it all in one sitting. I'm glad I'm not able to do that because there's a lot of stuff there I need to revisit, feel, and process. Sometimes it feels as if another version of me is moving through my body like a wave as I read. It puts me back in that moment, but going back is necessary because when you mess up at anything you have to take time to figure out the why of your mistake so as not to keep repeating it. And I'm not talking about the mistake of marrying a closeted gay guy. I mean, all things being equal, if you're going to marry the wrong person it may as well be a closeted gay guy. I've never had a problem with gay people, even at the height of my religiosity. For the most part, I find them delightful and, due in large part to the religious trauma of my youth, I feel a strong kinship with gay folks. I'm talking about not demonstrating an ability to make decisions in my own best interests as it pertains to relationship. I see now that I've been avoiding the very thing I most need to do if I plan to keep learning, growing, and improving. I'm about to turn 62, but I see no reason to let that deter me from my endeavor. In fact, it's more imperative than ever that I finally figure this shit out. 

     Being back in Duncan with my boys has given me the strength to do it. Go figure. I guess the best thing about Duncan being pretty much exactly the way it was when I grew up here 60 years ago is that it puts me back in that time and place much like reading the blogs about life with tdub puts me back in that time and place. It's a lot. It's been a lot. But I'm getting there. It's like I had open heart surgery as a child and the doctor botched it up. And somehow, in this, choose-your-own-adventure video game of life the rules state that the only way to move forward is to go back, untangle the mess and get your heart, mind, and soul functioning correctly. I don't remember who said it first, but if we're not learning we're dying. Obviously, I'm not done learning.

    The blog post I read today was from July 2006. I felt huge waves of comfort and strength as I read it. It moved me to tears. I may have been living in the middle of a slow motion train wreck back then, but I was always searching for meaning, trying to make sense of things, and basically just doing the best I could in my current state of growth. I posted it less than a month before tdub came out and our marriage ended. It's a Thomas Merton quote, and it resonated with me in a deep and profound way then just as it does now. I have a different view of it now, particularly the Jesus parts, but the words and the sentiment move me still. Thomas Merton tracks. Here it is:

    "My Lord, I have no hope but in Your cross. You, by your humility, and sufferings and death, have delivered me from all vain hope. You have killed the vanity of the present life in Yourself, and have given me all that is eternal in rising from the dead.

    Why should I want to be rich...to be famous and powerful? Why should I cherish in my heart a hope that devours me - the hope for perfect happiness in this life - when such hope, doomed to frustration, is nothing but despair?

    My hope is in what the eye has never seen. Therefore, let me not trust in visible rewards...Let my trust be in Your mercy, not in myself. Let my hope be in Your love, not in health, or strength, or ability or human resources." - Thomas Merton

    

 As always, thanks for reading! It feels good to write again. 

grace

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"The only way out is through." -Robert Frost

I have so much to write about that I often feel stuck or frozen. I started a post about how my mom served as the church secretary and how that impacted so many aspects of my childhood growing up. But it all turns into a jumble somehow like it needs to cook a little longer before it's ready to come flowing out of me. Who knows. I just know that I feel like I need to be writing, and somehow, hitting publish on these blog posts gives me a sense that I've done something worthwhile. 

The main thing I'm trying to unravel is exactly how the religious and cultural indoctrinations/lessons/experiences I had as a child here in Duncan impacted my ability to be successful in other aspects of my life. It's not about blame. It's about unraveling knots that happened, for whatever reason, and moving forward toward greater emotional health. Living here has literally forced my mind into this place because I'm surrounded by it. Like living at the scene of some sort of accident. It feels like I have no choice but pick myself up and to do it. And that's what I'm trying to do. 

And it's horrible. It's painful. It's excruciating. But the thing is, the fact that it's so painful points me toward the notion that it simply must be done. There's no way forward but to go right through.

So that's what I'm doing. Come what may. 

That's all I've got for now. But I'll be able to hit "publish" and move forward with today knowing that I did some writing. Thanks for reading!

love,

grace

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When a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for Wings

    

    My dad died on February 29, 2020. Leap Day. Departing on a day that only comes around once every 4 years suited his personality perfectly for he was a stoic man. The kind of man who'd appreciate the idea that he'd effectively quartered the number of days in our lifetimes that his death anniversary would pop up on our calendars. Pretty cool trick if you can pull it off. And he did. Of course he did. He may have been stoic, but he was far from dull or boring. He loved to laugh and make jokes, and he had a quick wit that made other people feel at ease and happy around him. I loved making him laugh more than just about anything. 

    I was several years into the process of religious deconstruction by the time Daddy passed which is fortunate because processing the musings of fundamentalist evangelicals as to his current whereabouts would have been all the more difficult to stomach had I not already come to find it all so ridiculous. So, when the Baptist preacher at Daddy's graveside service in Sulphur told the little crowd gathered on that sunny day in March of 2020 that my dad was so fine a man that those in his family were all certain he was now up in heaven taking care of the horse that Jesus would be riding in on at Armageddon, I didn't so much as roll an eye. Let them have their inappropriate apocalyptic fantasies. Disagreeing or providing a different point-of-view would, oddly enough in that particular setting and in this part of the world, make ME seem like the crazy one. Too smart for my own good and lost to the devil. Given over to a reprobate mind. Shit like that. Oh well. 

    The truth of the matter is that funerals are held for the benefit of those left behind, and far and away the majority of the people at my dad's funeral were completely in agreement about the idea of him tending to the horse of the returning King. I mean, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty cool and a bit Lord of the Rings. It's a compliment. I get that. A compliment based in a delusion, but still, they mean well. 

    For the record, my daddy was a real cowboy in every good sense of the word, so I'm quite open to the possibility and certainly the hope that wherever he now exists, and I do think the human spirit is eternal, that there are also horses of an eternal nature. It's not like I've given up entirely on the concept of an afterlife. I'm not an atheist. But I may as well be in the view of Christian fundamentalism. And I'm 100% okay with that. 

    My partner, bigby, played the guitar and sang at my dad's graveside service. It was so simple and so perfect. Nothing else that was said or done really mattered to me. It was a sweet, fitting service for a great man who I was fortunate enough to have as my Daddy for 57 years of my life. During the last years of his life, I told him about my changing religious beliefs. He always listened receptively, seemed intrigued, and never expressed any concern or doubt in my ability to figure it all out for myself. He didn't seem surprised by it. My dad was the kind of person who didn't have to fully understand you to love you, and I'm thankful every day of my life that I got to be here with him and be his daughter. 

    I didn't feel like I could go on writing here without writing about my dad. I feel him near me quite often, and I'm not sure if it's just the part of him that lives on in me or if his eternal spirit is actually hanging around here somehow. Either way he's living on, and that seems to be the crux of pretty much all religion. 

Here's a link to the song bigby sang at his graveside. When a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for Wings

Thanks for reading,

grace

    

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Deconstruction Sucks. Yippee ki yay.

    

    As I mentioned at the end of my last post, I moved back to my hometown of Duncan, Oklahoma 3 years ago. Duncan is a small town in Southwest part of the state just 30 miles north of the Texas border.  I think it's pretty typical as far as small towns go, but it's not one of those "mind your own damn business" small towns like the one Tim Walz kept talking about during the presidential campaign. Oh, if only. Here in Duncan, minding other folks' business is 2nd nature for some and something of a hobby for others. I keep my head down an mind my own business pretty much all the time. 

    Duncan became my hometown in the spring of 1963 when I was 3 months old and my sister was 5. My parents moved our family here from the even smaller and more rural town of Sulphur, Ok, just an hour's drive due east of Duncan. I graduated from Duncan High School (Go Demons!) in 1981, and left for college that same year. 

    Flash forward an entire 40-year lifetime and BAM, it's September 2021, and I'm right back where I started. You might think after 3 full years of living life here, I'd no longer be stopped in my tracks by a sudden feeling of panic while driving down pretty much any street. But it still happens more often than I find acceptable. It's like my car landed on the "go back to start" square in the cosmic game of life. How did this happen? How did I end up back here??? What the heck is going on? Is this real????

     While everyone else at any given 4-way stop may be simply waiting for their turn to proceed, I'm also reliving that time my 70s era, candy-apple red Toyota corolla fell into a giant sink-hole at one of the busiest intersections in town, or the time I rear-ended the car in front of me on Hwy 81 because my high school crush honked at me from the southbound lane, or the time I got stranded high-center on a mound of dirt in a construction area that's now considered one of the older neighborhoods in town.    

    My parents were only privy to two of those particular incidents, and I could go on with lots of others. The one where I fell in the sink-hole landed me on the front page of our local newspaper, and the fender bender smashed up the front of my beloved little Richard Scarry-looking car. While I consider these good memories that bring me joy and laughter in the retelling, especially when reminiscing with childhood friends, my state-of-being when they occurred was, as it turns out, not good. Being HERE physically somehow makes them more than just beloved memories. It throws my mind and body back into those moments in a way that feels uncertain and scary as if I'm actually reliving my childhood. 

    I didn't anticipate these feelings when I freely and willingly made the decision to move back here, but here we are. Because of this, I don't get out as much as I probably should. I'm not sure how long it will take or if I'll ever get used to being here, but I can't really worry about that anymore. I just have to do the work, continue the healing, and assume that the turning of time brought me here for the right reasons. 

    I've finally reached the point in my religious deconstruction where I can comfortably and wholeheartedly hold on to some of the truly helpful tenants of the indoctrination I received as a child. One of those is  "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)  I may have a heretical view of a good portion of that bible verse, but the first 6 words are the most important to me. It will all work out for my good, eventually. I do believe that. But it still sucks to go through it.  

    If I showed you a few pics of the families of my two biological sons, including 4 gorgeous grandsons who live here, you'd understand right away what motivated my seemingly irrational choice to move back to Duncan after my retirement from teaching in 2020. I'm here for them, and I have no regrets. The healing and deconstruction are just a bonus. Yippee ki yay.  

    In other news, and just to update a bit, t-dub and his husband miggs will be flying in from their home in San Francisco at the end of the month for our full family Christmas. All four of the boys, their wives, and all 5 grandsons will be here. I'm looking forward to it more than I can possibly describe. We haven't all been together at the same time in 2 years, and that's way too long. The important thing is that our family remains, and continues to grow and change just as all families do. And I'm not all alone here in Duncan. I have my partner, bigby, here with me. We've been together for almost 12 years, and I'm so very grateful for him. Particularly his willingness live in Duncan, and his patience with me as I continue the hard work of healing and deconstruction. Yippee ki yay.

More later! 

Thanks for reading,

grace

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Grace Returns Back

Many years ago, a friend told me, "a blog isn't a place to heal," and I remember feeling a bit defensive because writing about my experiences with t-dub felt like healing to me. Live and learn. My friend was right. A blog, or at least my blog, never was a good place to heal. But it did make me feel heard and understood and gave me a sense of release from some of the inner ramblings of my mind. 

 So here I am. 18 years after the split with t-dub, feeling once again a desperate need to feel released from the ramblings of my mind. That seems to be as good as it gets as far as blogging and writing in general goes. But that's enough. And there's always the chance that I'll be heard and understood, which would be a nice bonus. 

 And the healing. Well. The healing is still very much in progress and has been for low these many years. It's been a slow and arduous process with much to unravel. The religious stuff. The personal stuff. All the stuff. And the process has ramped up significantly over the past 3 years because I've moved back to the small town in Oklahoma from whence I came. The place where it all went down. Duncan, Oklahoma.

More to come...

Thanks for reading!

grace

The Boys

My biggest concern right now is the boys. When this all "broke" in our family last weekend, there was an immediate sort of solidarity that formed between them; different from the one they've always had where no one ever tells how windows get broken, who took the DVD player upstairs, or why and how there's a little mess of burned matches and a wax mess on the table in the family room. This was different. This was a "we want to remain brothers" sort of solidarity. Fortunately, #1 has been home a lot lately and he was there to listen to their initial concerns and provide them with some hope and comfort concerning the future of the family. #1 called me shortly after #2 and #3 had been given the news by Tdub. The conversation I had with him went like this:

#1: Mom.
Me: Yeah?
#1: I just told #2 and #3 that we would always be brothers and that I knew you would always be their mom.
Me: So, they told you? What did they say?
#1: They were just worried that they wouldn't see us anymore, that you wouldn't be able to be their mom and we wouldn't all be together anymore.
Me: What did you say to them?
#1: I told them that I KNOW my mom, and that you will get them on weekends or any other time they want to come over and we could still be together.
Me: Thanks for saying that. You're right. I'll talk to them about it too.

#2 is 15. He's the one I'm most concerned about. It's such a volatile age anyway, and then, to have such a major life-change coupled with this revelation about his dad. We are getting counseling for both of them. And Tdub has verbally committed to continuing his own counseling as he navigates this new path.

The sweetest memory occurred last Friday afternoon. I stopped at the house to talk with #2 alone. Tdub had shared with me in a late night conversation on Thursday that it was, indeed, over. It was important for me to talk with the boys separately and make sure they heard from me that I was in NO way abandoning them or have any intention of leaving them. I had the talk with #2 and it went really well. We both teared up a bit, but it went well in that I felt certain he heard and understood how much I love and care for him/them.

I went to our bedroom to pick up a few more things (#4 and I are staying with friends.....the house is too painful for me....it screams "US") As I came back out and was passing through the family room #2 stood up. He looked me right in the eye, and, with a bit of a crack in his voice said, "Mom, if you ever need anything, you know you can just call me." I have never been more proud to be his mother than at that moment.

love,
grace

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Tdub

I talked with Tdub tonight, in person. It was good. (at least that was my perception of things...you tend to doubt all your perceptions when something like this happens)
He'd been telling me that he'd written something he'd like to read to me and we had that opportunity tonight. I'm going to make an effort to express where he's coming from based on what he read to me tonight. It's important for me to process it, and I think it's an important peice of the giant puzzle that is gay, ex-gay, wanted vs. unwanted attractions.

I want to emphasize, first, that when I look at Tdub I don't feel anything but love. I consciously choose to look at him as I believe Jesus would. I WILL myself to extend grace to him even if he deserves judgement. I can't help but love and ache for him when I see him this way. He doubts God's love. He loathes himself. Hurting me and hurting our family is, in his mind, a matter of self-preservation at this point. I don't agree with his reasoning, and yet, I understand that it's the best he is able to do at this given moment.

In listening to his "treatise" as he called it, I heard one thing very plainly. He believed that marriage to me was part of the answer to his dilemma. He went into the marriage hoping that by marrying the "embodiment of God in a female" (or something like that, as he put it) healing would find him or he would find "it".

This never works. NEVER. If you are a same sex attracted guy who wants to get married and have a family....please KNOW this. NO WOMAN, no matter how wonderful she may be (heck, look at me!! hahahaha!!!) can help you.

This really is a journey one must make alone.....even if you're married. It can be done. I still don't doubt that. I see and know of specific things that were not acted upon. I know of more that could have been done had the heart been in the right place to do it. And yet, I understand and I'm sympathetic towards Tdub in that he is weary. I'm not going to stand in judgement of him. God will take care of that, in His time, in His way. And I pray for mercy for Tdub. I really do.

love,
grace



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