Processing

I know I don't have to update everyone, and you guys have been so sweet to remind me of that. :) But, right now, it's more about processing things and for me, writing is a great tool for the task. The fact that I'm (potentially) sharing the processing with the entire world puts a bit of a twist on it. But, I'm inclined to believe that one of the reasons our culture has (overall) failed so miserably at functioning as the body of Christ in the Kingdom of God is that we refuse to humble ourselves and become transparent with one another. Because of that, we cripple our ability to function as a body and truly minister to one another. We are sinful, and yet God loves us, adores us, seeks us, and chases after us. But, we can't get past our own pride and share our struggles with one another. We think we are failures, or not worthy if we struggle with sin or even difficulties of the sort I'm experiencing now. This is a lie. We convince ourselves that the body of Christ will look down on us, shun us, and ultimately judge us. I'm pretty convinced now that the folks who are the most unwilling to share for fear of condemnation are themselves the most judgmental of the lot. They fear that others will treat them with the same sort of judgment that lies in their own hearts. This, is what "remove the blog from your own eye"
means. (at least to me) On the other hand, those who are the most outwardly judgmental are the ones who feel the most shamed by their own sin. They serve a God that only loves and accepts them when they are "good". How sad for them.

I say all that to say, I will keep processing here. Not for any other reason than it helps me and it may help others. And I feel the spirit leading me to process it this way. I'm not actually that crazy about doing it. It's so much easier when I was processing the journey as it looks when it's going well. We have so much to learn from one another and so much of God's love, grace, and commitment to us as His children to share. We (I) have got to stop running and hiding from the process and allow God to work in and through us as a body.

sermon over. this wasn't what i sat down to write...it just came out.

love,
grace

p.s. i just did a spell check on this and i'd misspelled one of the spelling words i'd given my students last week! :)
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The Good News

The good news is that being a middle school English/Writing teacher rocks! I don't know why I didn't start this gig YEARS ago. It's awesome! I love the kids, I love having ONE...yes...ONE...prep a day, and my school is full of wonderful, caring folks along with a principal who is far and away the best administrator I've ever worked for or probably ever could. So, in the midst of all this madness, there is this. And I thank God for it.

Have a great weekend! #4 and I are staying with friends who have a pool this weekend. He's pretty pumped! :)

love,
grace


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The Boys

My biggest concern right now is the boys. When this all "broke" in our family last weekend, there was an immediate sort of solidarity that formed between them; different from the one they've always had where no one ever tells how windows get broken, who took the DVD player upstairs, or why and how there's a little mess of burned matches and a wax mess on the table in the family room. This was different. This was a "we want to remain brothers" sort of solidarity. Fortunately, #1 has been home a lot lately and he was there to listen to their initial concerns and provide them with some hope and comfort concerning the future of the family. #1 called me shortly after #2 and #3 had been given the news by Tdub. The conversation I had with him went like this:

#1: Mom.
Me: Yeah?
#1: I just told #2 and #3 that we would always be brothers and that I knew you would always be their mom.
Me: So, they told you? What did they say?
#1: They were just worried that they wouldn't see us anymore, that you wouldn't be able to be their mom and we wouldn't all be together anymore.
Me: What did you say to them?
#1: I told them that I KNOW my mom, and that you will get them on weekends or any other time they want to come over and we could still be together.
Me: Thanks for saying that. You're right. I'll talk to them about it too.

#2 is 15. He's the one I'm most concerned about. It's such a volatile age anyway, and then, to have such a major life-change coupled with this revelation about his dad. We are getting counseling for both of them. And Tdub has verbally committed to continuing his own counseling as he navigates this new path.

The sweetest memory occurred last Friday afternoon. I stopped at the house to talk with #2 alone. Tdub had shared with me in a late night conversation on Thursday that it was, indeed, over. It was important for me to talk with the boys separately and make sure they heard from me that I was in NO way abandoning them or have any intention of leaving them. I had the talk with #2 and it went really well. We both teared up a bit, but it went well in that I felt certain he heard and understood how much I love and care for him/them.

I went to our bedroom to pick up a few more things (#4 and I are staying with friends.....the house is too painful for me....it screams "US") As I came back out and was passing through the family room #2 stood up. He looked me right in the eye, and, with a bit of a crack in his voice said, "Mom, if you ever need anything, you know you can just call me." I have never been more proud to be his mother than at that moment.

love,
grace

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Tdub

I talked with Tdub tonight, in person. It was good. (at least that was my perception of things...you tend to doubt all your perceptions when something like this happens)
He'd been telling me that he'd written something he'd like to read to me and we had that opportunity tonight. I'm going to make an effort to express where he's coming from based on what he read to me tonight. It's important for me to process it, and I think it's an important peice of the giant puzzle that is gay, ex-gay, wanted vs. unwanted attractions.

I want to emphasize, first, that when I look at Tdub I don't feel anything but love. I consciously choose to look at him as I believe Jesus would. I WILL myself to extend grace to him even if he deserves judgement. I can't help but love and ache for him when I see him this way. He doubts God's love. He loathes himself. Hurting me and hurting our family is, in his mind, a matter of self-preservation at this point. I don't agree with his reasoning, and yet, I understand that it's the best he is able to do at this given moment.

In listening to his "treatise" as he called it, I heard one thing very plainly. He believed that marriage to me was part of the answer to his dilemma. He went into the marriage hoping that by marrying the "embodiment of God in a female" (or something like that, as he put it) healing would find him or he would find "it".

This never works. NEVER. If you are a same sex attracted guy who wants to get married and have a family....please KNOW this. NO WOMAN, no matter how wonderful she may be (heck, look at me!! hahahaha!!!) can help you.

This really is a journey one must make alone.....even if you're married. It can be done. I still don't doubt that. I see and know of specific things that were not acted upon. I know of more that could have been done had the heart been in the right place to do it. And yet, I understand and I'm sympathetic towards Tdub in that he is weary. I'm not going to stand in judgement of him. God will take care of that, in His time, in His way. And I pray for mercy for Tdub. I really do.

love,
grace



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Church

I didn't go to church this morning. Didn't go last week either. This thing all started last Friday night with an all night conversation. There's been no fighting, no yelling, stomping, screaming.....and no begging and pleading either. I'm pretty sure that sort of thing doesn't work. ;)

I'm going to write about it as I can.....and just so you know, your comments are a great comfort to me. I didn't respond to any of them in the last post as I normally do, and I may not for a while. But please know that I need that and it's one thing you can do that directly blesses me and reminds me, in a very tangible way, that God loves me and cares for me. God's love resides in the skin of real people who minister that love to one another tangibly. So, I'm thanking you all right now for doing that.

God loves Tdub as well. I recognize that a HUGE part of my heartbreak is the very heart of God breaking for him. In fact, I can testify to anyone reading here....God absolutely adores you and cherishes you and wants nothing more than to be in relationship with you. Most of you know this.....but I'm telling you, I don't think any of us truly understand or comprehend the depth and breadth of His great love. It is over-whelming, to put it midly.

That's all I've got for right now.

I'll write more as I can.

love,
grace

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It's Over

Tdub is leaving. He's giving up the struggle with unwanted attractions and coming out as gay. The most difficult thing to observe is the crisis of faith he's experiencing. It's very sad to me.

I will always love and care about Tdub. I love Him with the love of the Lord....and one day, it won't hurt like it does right now. I'm convinced that God is in the bad things as well as the good. And so, come what may, I carry on.

I'm not sure what direction the blog will go since I'm unsure of my direction at the moment. I hope you'll keep reading and praying for me as I work my way through it.

love,
grace



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A Woeful Tale

I've had a suggestion from Tin Man (a friend of mine) to blog about my laptop being on the fritz. I'd mentioned this briefly in a post a few days ago. So, in an effort to inject some lightheartedness into my world, I will do just that. Now, for your reading pleasure, is the tale of extreme stupidity....and it's all true.

The Laptop

(a tragedy)

Once upon a time, fair maiden Grace sat down at her computer, as she was oft apt to do. Upon supplying her maidenly password in an effort to check her maidenly email, she discovered that the maidenly "z" key was quite sticky. "Alas," she said to herself, "my z key seems to be sticking." Undaunted and determined, fair Grace proceeded to investigate the stickiness of the key. After much fiddling and fumbling with said key, fair Grace became more and more disturbed and challenged until the very existence of said "z" key was almost more than one as fair as she could bear. In what can only be described as the sort of determination generally attributed to triatheletes, Civil War heroes, or vacuum cleaner salespersons, our perky little heroin popped the "z" key completely free of it's once secure position on the keyboard. "Oopsy," Grace exclaimed. And then, gasping at the sight, "Ewwww!" For there, atop and around the soft rubbery nodule protruding now in the place where the "z" key once was, appeared a pea-sized dust bunny. Being a maiden as fair as she, Grace was quite appalled at the width and breadth of the dust bunny. She could quite easily grasp it between finger and thumb, remove it, and dispose of it. And that she did, quite to her pleasure. Cleanliness is, after all, next to Godliness; or so it's been said. Having never expected such a sight upon removal of the key, fair Grace was naturally curious as to what might lie beneath the other keys. And so, with wreckless abandonment, like a tornado in a trailer park, Grace proceeded to pop other keys from their positions. Finding and disposing of one dust bunny after another. Grace was approximately 14 keys into her cleaning frenzy when suddenly, and without warning, her sense of reason and sanity returned as clearly as if a voice had spoken aloud, "what about putting the keys back ON?" Grace immediately changed her course of action from popping off to popping on, finding the latter to be somewhat trickier than the former. When all was said and done, our poor defeated Grace had rightfully returned 4 keys to their proper positions, 1 key to an improper position, and had 9 keys left homeless; the tiny metal pieces they should clip to having been snapped completely away in her foiled attempts at returning them to their home. And, the "z" key, or rather, the rubber nub that was once a "z" key, was STILL sticking!

The moral of the story: Don't ever take the keys off your laptop, no matter how big, fat, furry, and disgusting the dust bunnies may seem!

Hopefully, my laptop will return soon. It's at technology and I'm pretty sure they're in no hurry to return it to me. *big sigh*

Keep praying for me!

love,

grace

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I Hurt

Deep, intense, and prolonged pain has placed me in a state that I can only describe as surreal. I wake up to each day, not really in it. My first thoughts are, "this is really happening, I'm living this, or is it living me?" I can't tell.

I'm certain of God. I'm certain of all the things I've always been certain of. I am not afraid of the future because God has redeemed my past.

And yet, I hurt.

grace

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Pain

I had my best 4-year old friend with me in the car for a bit yesterday. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment and it was obvious to her. As we drove along, her lilting voice peeped up from the back seat said, "Ms. P, God can see right through your skin."
*****

Psalm 34

I will extol the Lord at all times,

his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

*****

God is so awesome. And He can see right through my skin.

grace

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I'm Tired....Read This Email

Today was my first official day back to school. The kids don't start until next Tuesday but I'm wiped OUT! ha! Because of my wiped-out-ed-ness along with a little computer problem which is a story unto itself that I won't share now (my laptop is on the fritz so I'm having to use the one the boys use...and run them off of it to use it)....I'm going to share an email for a post today.

Someone unknown to me sent me this article, "When the Beard Is Too Painful to Remove", from the NY Times and wanted me to give them my opinion of it. Specifically, they wanted to know if I thought it was accurate and fair. And so, I'll share my response to them with you and then my post will be done for today! It's a win, win. Even if you don't read the article, this reply will probably make sense to you.

love,
grace

Dear XXX,

I assume it's accurate, and......uh...as for fair....well, there's not much "fair" about anything that's as messy as this stuff in life. I know you are talking about an article and wondering whether or not I perceive it to be fair....but, the reality is, that my own bias predicts not only my attitude about it's being fair but the attitude of the person who wrote it. I don't think much of journalism is actually "fair"....but I've come to expect that about it. If I wrote a similar article, it could be highly accurate, and more or less fair, because I'd be writing it. Does that make sense?

These situations are so removed from the one my husband and I share that it's almost like comparing apples to oranges. The biggest difference is the worldview. My husband and I share a worldview that is defined by shared religious beliefs. We have managed, only because of those shared beliefs, to rebuild a relationship of trust.

This article doesn't describe anything like that, but I assume it's accurate in describing what is going on in these situations. I do agree, and told my husband this from the beginning, that if a husband wants to seek same sex relationships, at any level that is sexual, he needs to divorce the wife and move on. In one of the stories in the article the man described his wife as his best friend and then it went on to say that he had relations with men that he'd kept secret from her. His definition of a best friend is very different, apparently, from mine or my husband's.

Does this response even begin to answer your questions about my opinion? I don't really have anything bad to say about these folks....they are big people and can decide for themselves what works best for them. The sort of thing described in these articles wouldn't work for us at all.

love,
grace



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New Blogger

Our friend Jay just started a blog. He's a guy who struggles with unwanted attractions but mostly he's just a really sweet and SMART friend we've made here online. Check it out. I'll add him to my links on the side.

grace

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Happy Birthday #3

#3 is 13 years old today. This means that in another 8 months Tdub and I will be residing with 4 "official" teenagers. Heaven help us!

#3 is probably the child of the 4 who gets the least "air time" from me. It's not because he's a problem, it's really quite the opposite. He is the child who is, overall, the easiest to communicate with and manage. He has a heart of pure gold and tends to take things very literally. He's the one who gets the virus in your computer because he was just CERTAIN he was going to get a free DVD player after jumping and clicking through all the necessary hoops. He's a tad trusting, as well.

This baby's momma left Tdub when he was only 18 mos. old. Tdub tells the funniest story about potty training him. He says he held him tightly, looked him square in the face, and said "(H), YOU HAVE TO DO THIS." And it worked. He was potty-trained at 18 mos. old. That's pretty early for a boy. I'm certain this kid would do just about whatever Tdub asked when it gets right down to it. He's a "daddy's boy" in the sweetest sense of the word.

One of the other attributes of #3 that makes him so awesome is his love for #4. You know a bit about #4 if you've read here much. He's our "baby", the OCD, more sensitive and downright moody child of the bunch. Very difficult to deal with at times. And yet, #3 seems to have the patience of Job at times with #4. #3 absolutely loves him(#4) in spite of how ruthless and mean he can be. #3 is such a blessing in so many ways to #4 and it's my prayer that as they grow to adulthood this will become apparent and their relationship will deepen.

#3 is a great athlete. He's not just good at sports, he is motivated to do whatever it takes to get better. He's the one who got up at 5:30, any day that Tdub would take him, to go to the health club and work out during the last school year. We were shocked in the beginning, and I still wonder how much of the motivation is toward sports and how much is his desire to please Tdub or even just spend time with him. Either way, it's not typical behavior for a 12 yr. old and it's admirable.

He's just a really neat kid.....uh.....wait.....teenager.

Happy Birthday to #3! I thank God inside every time I hear you call out "Mom" to me.

grace


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Fantastic Book

I just finished reading "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini. If you're looking for a great read, the sort of novel that makes you long to get back to it and then keeps you up WAY longer at night than you intended, this is it. Here's a quote near the end that leaped out to me. (oh, and I'm still sniffling after having finished it about 15 minutes ago)

"Closing Sohrab's door, I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

It's a powerful story.

grace

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End of Summer Addiction

For those of you who haven't read everything I've written here, I'll remind everyone that we don't have television in our home. Mind you, we have a TV, several actually, but we have no cable with which to view actual shows on the televisions. The boys do have video games and, seeing as Tdub is a complete movie fanatic, we do own, rent, and watch lots of movies. We've continued to find more reasons NOT to subscribe to cable TV than reasons to go ahead and do it. We think it's been good for our family. I won't preach about it. And I'll even add that our children are certainly no less "wordly" acting than other children. (as if this were a concern) I'm just saying that it's not as if we're Amish and our children go around wearing knickers, button-up white shirts, and bow ties. Far from it. I can't imagine how much more "worldly" our children could look, or at times act, if we DID have television. Scary thought. I'll just leave it at that and move on.

For the second summer in a row Tdub and I have become semi-addicted to a television show that's out in DVD format. Last year it was "Arrested Development". We went on a two week "Arrested Development" frenzy toward the end of the summer and had the best time with it. We'd watch show after show, staying up way past Tdub's bedtime, even repeating some of them just to catch various nuances that we'd possibly missed before. We laughed and laughed and thoroughly enjoyed that show. The DVD versions are also nice because you can watch mounds of shows with no commercial interruptions and no waiting an entire week for another show to play. Why take away small bits of valuable time (which you could use for surfing the internet) once a week during the regular TV season when you can blow an entire two weeks worth of nights in one fell swoop at the end of summer? At least that's our philosophy.

This summer our addiction has become "Lost". We are two discs away from viewing the entire first season. Two discs that we have a "date" to begin watching around 9 o'clock this evening. I can't wait! This show is about the stupidest thing I've ever seen and I LOVE IT!!!!! :P They keep bringing in all these different weird events and leaving us hanging, way out on a limb at the end of each episode. It's insane. But we can't seem to get enough of it. I honestly don't think I'd be able to get into a show like this on a weekly basis. I'd be way to frustrated by some of the stupidity of it. But, watching it in great chunks on a DVD is highly entertaining to both of us.

DO NOT SPOIL anything for us if you watch it and are going to comment. Although, I'm much more inclined to enjoy spoilers than Tdub. ;) He gets so mad at me when I go online and find info. about the show. He's also one of those who refuses to open ANY presents until Christmas morning. We're so different that way. If you watch it, do comment and let us know what you think.

grace

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Tdub on the Goatneck

Here is a link to Tdub, the bike riding stud. I love that guy!

grace

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