The big broad line between love and hate.

My reflections about the things I initially wrote on this blog center around religion and gayness. I don't know if those things are somehow related to my purpose in life, but I do know that those two things have collided in my consciousness in a way that's caused me to rethink the foundations upon which my upbringing was based.

I was taught to hate gay people. That's a strong statement because no one ever told me explicitly that I should hate gay people. However, I was taught (from a very young age and for as long as I can remember) that gay people are an abomination in the eyes of God. My own mother is alive to this day and continues to demonstrate that she believes this. She REALLY believes it. Bless her heart.

I bear no ill will toward my mother. I love her and have done what I can to ensure that her existence remains comfortable and as happy as it seems she's capable of being.

Nevertheless, she taught me that I should hate gay people. But, here's a truth: WHAT YOU TEACH isn't necessarily WHAT THEY LEARN. I was taught to hate gay people, but I learned to love them instead. Her hatred fed a curiosity in me. And in learning to love gay people, I learned to love pretty much everyone in general. All people. Including myself. (My dad actually taught me that last part.)

People deserve to be loved in ways that teach them to love themselves because no one chooses to be born into this world. And sometimes, by the time we're able to make choices on our own, we've been screwed over by the choices of others so profoundly that we can barely overcome it. My mother once screamed at me, "You don't know how to love!" so I decided to spend the rest of my life proving her wrong. It was a great decision. I stand by it.

As I look back, I see now that this story with Todd is really just MY story. Proving that I do indeed know how to LOVE.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,
pam

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 THIS IS what TODD SAID TO ME PUBLICLY regarding SEXUALITY...bless his heart...


Yeah, you really crystallized the issue … I mean, hell if I would write this stuff down,
(which i'm just still just afraid of--you know how i feel about the power of words) I think what might’ve come out of it is something like that … at least that’s how I would want you to perceive I was reasoning about myself and our marriage… which it seems you have although I say very little. … If that makes any sense at all.

Yeah, I have to admit that I don’t “get off” looking at opposite sex, boobs, etc….. so women in general, yeah, you’re right, although I appreciate their beauty and characteristics and nature.

And about you, yeah, I get that.
I do feel that way—bcz I’m in love with YOU and attracted to all the components OF you that MAKE YOU a woman, including the physical meldings of our male and female forms….

I mean, maybe some day I’ll start wanting to buy t***y mags…hahaa....

….but I’m content to be en eros with regard to ONE woman, my earthly companion. The one I was destined for all along. [Lucky you. :D]

And for me, the battle is such a head game. To appreciate and observe strength and beauty (male or female) vs. obsessing over personal inadequacies, feeling isolated, needing affirmation/touch, …. All of those things comprise my struggle each day.

Keeping that struggle in perspective; meeting needs in healthy ways—not by sexualizing or contextualizing or settling for “oh this is how I am”; recognizing my purpose in life (including struggle); and aye, even…dare I suggest…thanking God for where he’s grown me from…and to….

These are NOT mere mental posturings in response to the battle, rather they are viable weapons I can use in the fight for my masculinity, manhood, role as husband, father, and friend. As the whole man God intended.

You’re far more perceptive than I would have ever imagined; far more at peace and clear-thinking than I could ever have hoped; and provide much enc o u r a g ement for me to face this; deal with it; and perhaps come to embrace it fully. I mean, my gosh, to be able to even talk about this.

You’re truly amazing.

Ly





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And so, we begin.

It was a dark and stormy night.

How does one go from being a born-again Christ warrior Assemblies of God trained ambassador of everything Good and Holy and HEAVEN-BOUND...

to this.

???

What is this?

This. Is me.

I'm small and insignificant. But I'm still me. And I hope I'll do a good job this year of telling the story of how I got to be me. This format seems like a good way to do it, and I'm grateful that current technology makes this possible.

I'm an agnonstic believer of Jesus and His way of going about things.

Part of me can't believe that I felt compelled to preface everything I'm about to say this way.

Oh well.


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