“Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” ― Robert Frost

Reflecting kind of sucks at first. I guess that's why I've been so hesitant to do it. But I'm doing it.

I was initially shocked by the volume of posting I did back then followed by a feeling of dread at the idea of  reading each one. I always find things I wish I'd said differently or blatant grammatical errors - things that make me cringe at the look and sound of my own writing. But mostly, it's substance that concerns me. Since I've made what I consider to be a monumental shift in my thinking about the bible and God, and since I apparently spent the majority of my time back then thinking and writing about those things, I guess I fear reading it and feeling a disconnect so vast that I won't be able to relate at all to that person. And since that person is ME, that's scary. But that didn't happen as I read my first three posts. *whew*

I was outrageously obsessed back then with doing right in the eyes of God. That part seems weird now, but it's not because I don't agree with the overall sentiment. I think God and religion did exactly what God and religion are meant to do. I drew strength from my faith and was able to perservere in a difficult situation that I willingly chose for myself. I don't regret marrying Todd. I don't regret having been immersed in church work and religious activities and ceremonies. Those were exactly the things that were good for our whole family at that time. We grew together and learned about each other and truly came to love one another. We had alot of FUN doing all of that stuff. I just refuse to view that as wasted time.

I'm ashamed at times that I don't continue to do more of those sorts of things. We used to take the boys to the nursing home to give the Lord's Supper. Maybe I've written about it before. I don't remember. We'd sing a few songs with them and take their prayer requests. We might hear about their ailments or those of family members. You could tell they were just happy to have someone there to talk with them and care that they existed.  That put good into the world no matter whose almighty name it was done in. We helped bring a little joy to old people on a regular basis. I should be doing more of that NOW.

I don't believe one moment of that experience was or will be wasted in my life. It's all a part of who I am today, and I'm happy and at peace with me. I'm grateful for the associations we had with "church people." I fundamentally disagree with them about a few things at this point, but this is still America, and as far as I know I'm allowed to do that. I don't wish them any harm, and I don't believe they set out with the intention of bringing harm to me or even to Todd at that time. In the end, I believe the good outweighs the bad which for me is what a belief in God sort of is. God is love. Three words from the bible that I prefer to take literally.

So yes, I still believe in God. Just a more all-encompassing version of God. Todd started calling it "the Universe" at some point back when we were both still single, and I'd scoff at him, roll my eyes, and insist he say "God." I'm entirely over that at this point, but I still silently scoff and resist the urge to roll my eyes at his current tendency to use the term "Goddess." I guess I'll get past that as well at some point.

The most valuable thing that can come from our experiences in life is that we actually learn and make progress as a result of them. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, I've only ever wanted to become more real, and the only way to make life real, it seems to me, is to learn from it. I believe now that my resurrection exists in the legacy I leave. What did my life - my story - leave in the world that could carry on? I no longer feel the need to be physically resurrected. It's so freeing and peaceful.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Whoa. I sat down not really knowing what I was going to write about today other than just reading a few posts and seeing what happens when I reflect on them. I'm glad I did that.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love, and grace,

pam





View Current Blog

“We do not learn from experience... we learn from reflecting on experience.” -John Dewey

So, here I am, eight and a half years later. I suppose it's about time for an update even though it feels somehow pretentious - as if there's a school of people piranhas waiting to gobble up every word I have to say. The fact that I feel the need to address the fact that I'm writing on my blog again annoys me, but a fear lurks there telling me I'm not good enough or smart enough, and I've made stupid decisions that brought pain to others. And even though all of that is true, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't trust myself and continue to make progress. Who among us is really good enough? Smart enough? Or hasn't ever made a decision that didn't result in pain of some sort? Who? No wonder the Al Franken character on SNL always said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." It's obviously a pretty universal feeling. So in spite of my fear of people piranhas, I will go bravely where I need to go and start writing my reflections here on this blog. The truth is, I don't expect to be good enough or smart enough because I intend to keep getting better at both of those things for as long as I live. I guess I'll always struggle with wanting people to like me, but I see the key to that now is in liking them first. Just being kind and respectful to others, no matter who they are, goes a long way. If people don't like me after that, oh well. You can't win them all, and I'm not ever going to be everyone's cup of tea.

I still haven't been brave enough to go back and read all of the blog. So far, I've only read the last post I made in March 2009. I haven't even taken the time to reread Kurt's post - Empty Box Faith - nor have I communicated with him since that time. It seems weird now. It's like my entire life from back then is a book I read once and fear reading again. I recognize now that no real progress will come from any of it if I don't take the time to reflect, and while I've been doing that mentally for the past two years or so, it's time to do it in writing. I guess I want to do it publicly like this because when I blogged before I found it so encouraging and enlightening to hear from others who connected in some way to what I was saying. It wasn't a great number of people, but it didn't need to be. I was writing anonymously back then, and I vividly remember my first comment, "I think I love your blog." It doesn't take that many people listening, caring and being kind to spark encouragement. In fact, it took only one, and it made an enormous difference for me at that time. Feeling heard and understood is powerful.

This reflective process that started two years ago was instigated by the birth of our first grandson. Yep. Todd and I are now grandparents. He's PopPop and I'm Gann. Becoming a grandparent made me feel like I was living forever and dying at the very same time. It was the stark realization that just as I've attended the funerals of all my grandparents, sure as shootin' this little guy will one day attend mine. What sort of legacy do I want to leave to him? Am I just going to be his quirky, free-spirited, teacher grandma who once married a gay guy? If I had a grandparent with that sort of description, I'd probably wonder about a few things.

So here goes. I'm going to blog again and piece together a narrative that will hopefully bring some meaning and understanding into the world for myself, my loved ones, or anyone else interested in reading it. I've definitely changed my outlook on some things. Mostly religious things. But I always leaned toward a more progressive and liberal interpretation of Christianity, so I don't believe my core values have really changed. I guess we'll see as I reflect and write about it.

I think one of my biggest fears in sharing the way I've changed is the fear of being demonized by traditional Christian believers. I've accepted the fact that it will likely happen. This little paragraph is to state that upfront. Demonize away if you so choose. I'm okay with it. I stopped believing in the devil several years ago, but I understand that some folks need that, and my belief shift could easily be blamed on him if that's the sort of mindset you have. Oh well.

Thanks for reading. Whoever you are.

peace&love and grace,

pam


View Current Blog