Looking Back-2007

January 2007

The divorce was final. I didn't even go to the courthouse to watch it happen. At that time, it was just me, Sparky, and Drew living in our little duplex. Sparky was a great comfort to me as a puppy and Drew was a challenge on a daily basis, being a 12 yr. old. Zach and Hayden (tdub's sons) were in and out from time to time, sometimes staying the night, sometimes not, and Daniel (my oldest) was home from college looking like some sort of leftover roadie from a disastrously untalented rock band. I'd become very unhappy with my work situation even though I loved going to school every day to teach and learn from my 7th graders. It was my extremely left-brained principal who almost put me over the edge last fall. His idea of "helping" deal with the difficulties of my new situation was to give me extra scheduling committments. HA! That would be like trying to raise George Bush's approval rating by having him read aloud on camera from Dostoevsky.

Lesson learned: Sometimes the very BEST thing you can do to help someone is to simply leave them alone, particularly if you are the polar opposite of them in personality and temperament.

February 2007

Having joined eHarmony (big mistake) a few months earlier, I'd met this extremely kind, generous and talented art teacher who lived in Oklahoma City. Joining eHarmony did make me feel better- just knowing that I was a person that someone else would desire. However, that reasoning for meeting people who are seriously looking for a mate is quite selfish. It's a good system for matching women with men who have similar personalities and outlooks on life, but it was way too soon for me to have done such a thing.

Lesson learned: If you're wanting someone to desire you in a relationship, be sure you're ready for the same thing, or you hurt people unnecessarily.

March 2007

By this time, I knew beyond a doubt that I had to get out of Granbury. Having moved there 22 years prior when it was still a quaint little community, I'd made far to many friends and aquaintances to be able to venture even to a place as ominous as Super-Walmart without running into all sorts of folks who knew all about the tragedy that had become my life. It was a different sort of tragedy than say a death or even just a typical divorce. Alot of people responded to my desire to move with "well, HE should be the one moving, not YOU." But honestly, it wouldn't have mattered. Even if Tdub had moved away, I'd still have wanted to get out of there. I literally felt like every time I walked into any public place that I had this huge backstory I carried with me. Imagine one of those little pet shop turtles with a shell of the giant sea tortoise on its back. That was me in Granbury.

Lesson learned: Sometimes running away is not running away, it's just starting over.

April 2007

Having spent my spring break in Oklahoma City handing out resumes, I waited anxiously to hear something. Now, you'd think after having been in the school business for 18 years, I'd know full well that it's a rare situation for a school to be ready to think about hiring for the next year at this point. If they are, it could mean trouble. Nevertheless, I got discouraged because with each passing week I was more and more certain that I could not live many days past June 1 in Granbury. My mental health just could not take it. I managed, during that month, to eek out one last hurrah of a service project at church. I wrote and directed a drama for two groups of youth for our annual Leadership Training for Christ gathering which was held during Easter weekend at a hotel in Dallas. I'll never regret having done that. It was awesome.

Lesson learned: You can get by for a time on sheer will and guts.

May 2007

By this time I was getting extremely antsy about finding a job in Oklahoma. At school, we'd gotten past the state mandated writing test that I'd been preparing my students for all year. This was a major relief for me mostly because it finally tamed the bee in my principal's bonnet that had him buzzing around wondering if I were going to be able to produce the DATA he desired from me. As it turns out, my data was great and I still managed to form the sorts of relationships with students that continue to motivate them long after you're no longer their teacher. Professionally, it was my worst year ever simply because until that year, I'd never had a principal who doubted my abilities as a teacher like he did. He reminded me of one of those gingerbread houses I made with my little friends this year - everything layered up so sweetly and pretty to form a house perfectly balanced in form, texture, and overall visual appeal. Yet, underneath, just a cardboard shell with no real staying power of its own. OH....and it was during this month, that Daniel and Drew picked out Emma for me as a Mother's Day gift!

Lesson learned: Even if you're great at what you do - honest and humble in your efforts - some people just don't have the DNA code that allows them to appreciate uniqueness in others.

June 2007

My parents took a bus tour to Niagra Falls and were gone for a week at the beginning of the summer. I stayed at their house and continued what had become by now, in my mind, a desperate hunt for a job. Again, knowing full well that in all the years I'd been teaching we rarely ever hired anyone new until June. I had a few interviews lined up in Oklahoma City for art jobs but decided on a whim to call my Aunt Kathy in Sulphur to see if she'd heard of anything opening up over there. Sulphur is one hour East of my hometown of Duncan, and almost all of my aunts and uncles live there. My Aunt Kathy and her husband own and run the local newspaper, so she's usually "in the know" to say the least, about what's going on in town. Within 5 minutes she had two interviews lined up for me - THAT day.

Lesson learned: Sometimes it is who you know.

July 2007

I loaded and moved the final boxes from Granbury to Sulphur on July 4. Our last stop with the U-haul was at my school to load 18 years worth of accumulated and boxed school stuff. It was significant to me that we had to drive straight through the beginnings of the Granbury 4th of July parade as we made our way out of town. The Granbury 4th is the largest yearly event in town, drawing in thousands of visitors and bringing the entire community to town for the festivities. I literally saw most everything I was leaving behind as I pulled away. And it was okay.

Lesson learned: Sometimes you just know you're doing the right thing.

August 2007

After arriving in Sulphur, I quickly became reaquainted with my first cousin, Wes, who's a state representative for Oklahoma. Wes is 10 years younger than me and still single. (he's not gay) I say that because I have this gay theme that seems to run through my blog, so for the sake of his dating future, I feel the need to point that out! He is a democrat as are most folks here in this agriculture and ranch-based part of the state. I mention Wes because having him for a cousin has made this move so much easier for me. He gives me an instant connection to just about everyone. Well, he and the rest of my family who lives here and who have insured that I'm not more than 3 degrees seperation relationally from any other person in town. I had a great time in August helping Wes spruce up his brand new home with some decorating just before his open house.

Lesson learned/relearned: Family is a wonderful thing.

September 2007

School started and reconfirmed to me that I'd done the right thing by moving here. My 4th grade teaching partners are absolutely the BEST. They are the sort of women who can hug you with a smile or give you the real thing if that's what you're needing. They make me feel 10 feet tall when I know I'll never be more than the same old 5 foot 2 I've always been. And my class, oh, my class. They're absolutley perfect. (blatant suck-up alert) And my new principal is the bomb!

Lesson learned/relearned: Life is good.

October 2007

I met pirate girl and she changed my life. This little urchin-like creature full of spunk and mischief, came bicycling by my back yard when I was outside with the dogs. I asked her what she was going to be for Halloween, and our relationship was born. Helping her and her family has become a mission for me. Not a mission to "save" anyone, God takes care of that stuff....but a mission to help those in need.

Lesson learned: Stay outside yourself and your problems go away.

November 2007

My family continues to bless me by joining in with my mission to help pirate girl and her family. One of my aunt's petitioned her Sunday School class for help and because of this pirate girl and her family now have their own washer and dryer in their home. Two of my aunts gave me large cash donations to buy coats, shoes, and Christmas gifts. My parents continue to supplement my income so that I can help others. My art teacher friend in Oklahoma City is now mentoring the oldest boy who is a senior in high school. Turns out he is an awesome artist and wants to pursue an art education of some sort after high school. I spent most of the month of November helping this family which made the holiday season much easier to bear. There's just no time to think about things gone by when there are things in front of you to accomplish.

Lesson learned/relearned: All things work together for good.

December 2007

What a year. And yet, with all the turmoil and all the change, I'm able to sit here amongst the mess of things left to clean up from the holidays and feel at peace. For the first December of many, the worries that had worn on my mind and become part of me, the way bronze or copper sculptures grow a patina, are gone. While patina can be beautiful in its own right, cleaning it off now and then adds a brand new shine and a beauty of a different sort. I feel I've come out from under a veil and can breathe free and easy, no inhaler needed. I love being able to step outside those issues and look back at them now more clearly. Some have wondered aloud to me at how that clarity seems to have bred more compassion than bitterness in my heart toward Tdub. I just call that the love of God. That's the beauty of a life given to Christ. Either way you go, worn patina or freshly cleaned shine, you're bound to end up in a place of compassion. That's how the love of God works in the hearts of those who seek him. At least that's the way I choose to look at it.

Lesson learned/relearned: Love wins.

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Random Pictures

Remember last Christmas? I received the awesome digital camera from my parents. I've had more fun with it than I can tell you. My parents generously included a 2GB memory stick and I tend to fill the thing up over several months time. Here are some random shots with rambling to accompany them from the last few months.

Back in October, we took our 4th graders to a Chickasaw Indian Festival. There were craft booths, displays of historical artifacts, traditional Indian games, and even tastings of traditional Indian foods. This is a shot of me with the llama from the animal petting zoo. I found it odd when I first arrived here in Oklahoma that the word "Indian" is thrown around as if it's an okay thing to say. Back in Texas, were were taught to refer to Native Americans only by that title. And then, I arrive in the "land of the red man" and find that the red men and women refer proudly to themselves as Indians. Go figure.

I like this picture of Sparky. He's my man.

Speaking of "my men,"

here's a shot of Drew decorating this year's Christmas tree.

One of my very favorite ornaments.

A shot from the kitchen into the living room. I love Christmas decorating!

My baby.

My Aunt Judy raises dachshunds. I want another one!!! I don't have a red one, after all. The voice of reason and restraint controls me...plus the fact that I don't have $100 lying around to spend on one....not to mention shots, feeding, etc...

This is one of my new best friends here in Oklahoma. We spent a fun day a few weeks ago making gingerbread houses.

Merry Christmas to all!
love and grace,
pam
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The Problem with Advice...and Sin, and some other stuff

The thing about giving marriage advice is this; every situation is different. So, while I can't imagine a situation in which I'd encourage a woman to marry an ex-gay, I do have a great deal of respect and admiration for those couples who are already married and in that situation. I'd have no difficulty whatsoever encouraging a woman to "hang in there" if already married to an ex-gay.

The overwhelming majority of wives of struggling men that I met while married to Tdub weren't aware of the struggle with same sex attraction when they entered their marriage. This, to me, is a sad reality which reflects the truth of what an astoundingly crappy disservice the church has been to gay folks in general. The church is supposed to "serve". Instead, gays and even those with unwanted attractions get beaten over the head with how abhorrent they are for being attracted to the wrong sex.

Let's just say, for the purpose of this argument, that a long lost dead sea scroll turned up where it turns out Jesus held a question and answer session on homosexuality. OK. Now. Think about that picture for a moment....or maybe two or three if it hasn't sunk in to you yet what that would look like.

My point is this. Jesus didn't operate that way. He did address people "caught in sin" or he would call people by the specific sin (murderers, adulterers, liars). But, he didn't do what a big chunk of the church does. He didn't campaign against a certain behavior or hold conferences or rallies based on wiping out certain behaviors. He seemed more concerned with the person and less concerned with the specific behavior. When he did meet folks "caught in sin", like the woman at the well, he could have a conversation with them and send them away HAPPY. I think one reason that woman was so happy was that Jesus let her know that she still had worth, even though she struggled with sin. We must be doing something wrong. I think church folks, as a general rule, get the whole sin thing completely wrong. The church does more to empower sin than the devil ever could. It's one thing to sit in a class and admit that you are a sinner, "just like everyone else," but it's quite another to have your particular sin singled out for "judgement". The thing is, ANY sin is a really BIG SIN. Sometimes I think it's my "little" sins that ARE the biggest.

I'm thinking out loud and I'm beginning to confuse myself! ha! What's my point?

I think I started out trying to make the point that it's a shame that SO MANY women end up in the situation I was in while married to Tdub. Blindsided by the fact that he struggled with same sex attraction. No woman should have to go into a marriage unaware of that fact. There are other things a woman shouldn't go into a marriage unaware of, but this happens to be my particular issue. I say that because I often have people come back at me with arguments like, "well, all marriages have struggles", or "this isn't any worse than X or Y in straight marriages". For one thing, YES, it is worse and if you doubt that please read the last 21/2 years of writing here.......and secondly, I'm not talking about ALL marriages, I'm talking about the ones where gay guys marry straight women.

One other thing....while I'm at it. I'd love to demystify the word "gay" for the fundamentalist Christian world. I kid you not, if you followed my writing in all the circles I frequent from time to time, you'd see that one must spend almost as much time defining words as making points. It's crazy. When I use the word gay, I just mean a man who is attracted to other men sexually. That's all. I don't mean an orgy-attending, HIV-wielding, substance-abusing psychotic. Just for the record.

Thanks for listening!
love and grace,
pam
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Marriage (1st bit of rambling)

Everyone who reads this blog knows by now that I support the rights of gays to marry each other. I phrase it that way because I've had this argument thrown in my face before; "Gays do have the right to marry, as long as they marry someone of the opposite gender."



That argument sounds like fightin' words to a woman who's been through what I've been through. I realize there's a bit of a paradox when I can talk about being thankful for the experiences of being married to an ex-gay, and in the same breath say that knowing what I know now, I'd not have married Tdub. I've found paradox to be an integral part of living for Christ. It just is. The fact of the matter is, I can't change the past so I choose to view it in a postitive light and learn from it. So, while I'd very likely advise another woman against marrying an ex-gay, I can say that having gone through that marriage was a good thing for me. Good like running your first marathon. You want to give up much of the time, you'd not make it at all if it weren't for those people on the sidelines with the oranges and paper cups of water, and you occasionally have to stop and puke your guts out. No pain, no gain.

More later. :)

love and grace,
pam







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Gay families eat donuts too.

Somehow Tony and I have given our four-year-old the impression that donuts are an intregal part of Catholic liturgy. In the Catholic mass there's this pause right after communion where everyone's silent and people are either sitting or kneeling in prayer. It's very solemn.

And that's when the kid turns to me and says "We get donuts now?!"

And I whisper to him, "One more song. Sit down."

Then all the other kids look at eachother like they're saying "Donuts? Did he just say donuts? That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Donuts!"

So this past Sunday, as is my custom, I drive us to the donut shop, me, Tony, Nick and our friend's 13-year-old. Now pulling into the parking space in front of the donut shop, I hit the breaks too hard, and spilled the kid's water bottle, so the three of them went into the donut shop, while I cleaned up the puddle in the back seat.

As I walk into the donut shop, some worried-looking lady about my age looks me right in the eye and points to Nick, who's standing in line with Tony and the 13-year-old and says "Are you adopting him?"

And the question kind of takes me by surprise, because why would you ask me if my child is adopted, right? We look alike, and most people just assume he's my biological child. And why would she say "Are you adopting him?" (indicating that the adoption is not yet final) instead of "Is he adopted?"?

But anyway, I answer the lady in the affirmative, and she asks me where I'm adopting him from, and I tell her the name of the adoption agency Tony and I used.

Then she says to me "They allow gays to adopt boys? Homosexuals?"

And that's when I knew this conversation was not going to a good place, so I just said "Yes," and turned away, and as I did the lady said to no one in particular, "Gays, these two!" and she left.

And I didn't know to feel glad that she left or disappointed that she didn't stick around and ask more questions. I remember Barbara Jordan (one of my heroes growing up) used to say you should talk to people about their prejudices, not just walk away from them or shout them down. But I find that's not always so easy in practice.

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Keep On Keepin' On

There have been probably 3 or 4 times during the time I've been writing this blog when I've come to a crossroads sort of place. During those times I get the idea that maybe my blogging days have run their course and it might be time to focus that energy elsewhere. I began blogging with the notion that it would be an outlet for my own thinking as well as a chronicle of the journey I was on as the wife of a guy who struggled with same sex attraction. At the heart of anyone who blogs there has to be the idea that you have something to say that is of some significance, at least somewhere to someone. Hence, the outrageously awesome (when you think about it) perk of comments. Not only do I get to tell the world, should they care to listen, what I'm thinking about, but that world can comment on my thinking. It's brilliant. I guess it follows that one who blogs as a venue for thinking would eventually spend a portion of that time thinking about the act of blogging. Thinking about thinking. It's called metacognition, and it's a higher order thinking skill. (teacher talk)

At each of those crossroads sorts of times, when I've wondered if I have anything left to say that's of significance, I've received a comment from out of the blue which reminds me of my purpose. I woke up this morning to this comment from a new reader:

GrantJM said...

Grace- I was led to you by a fan of your blog. It's refreshing how you take time to talk about those of us who struggle to find our place in this world after living so long closeted and in shame. I am one who after 29 years of marriage is just waking up and it is both a nightmare as well as some kind of dream finding myself. Thanks for not candy coating your words, but just talking from your soul. It's what we all need - it's where we hear and are heard by God best I believe.

Thank you, GrantJM, for taking the time to comment and for sharing a bit of your story that puts your thoughts as well as your compliments to me in context. Your comment was exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. I'm inspired to go back to doing some of the same sort of blogging I did when I began. I'm still processing so much of what I've been through. It seems time and even physical distance from the events can be healing in an of themselves, but the nitty-gritty work of processing things is still required in order to move forward and grow.

Grant's comment takes me back, and I'm finally at a place (emotionally) where I can do that and not completely fall apart. It truly IS a nightmare. Dealing with all this stuff. As Grant well knows, and is living this moment, his nightmare has become the nightmare of others, specifically, his wife. Over and over again, I'd be reminded by therapists, other men who struggled, other wives of strugglers, or even friends who knew nothing about the dynamics of same sex attraction and it's toll on a marriage; You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. You aren't the reason for this. You're doing the right thing. You're doing all you can. It's not about you.

While those things were true, right, good, and easy to comprehend intellectually, it was like taking an emotional enema. I always felt like all of ME had to to be gutted out so that I could intellectually respond correctly to a situation that ripped at the fiber of my emotions as a woman. Not trying to fix something actually becomes doing something when you have to work so hard not to do it. It was hell. That's the best English word I can think of to convey what that part of it was like. When I talk about that part of it, I'm talking about the sexual part. Looking back, I'm sort of amazed that I didn't drink more than I did. And while I know beyond a doubt that I used alcohol as a sort of sedative during much of that time, I can't say I ever developed an addiction to it. It's not something that appeals to me now at all. At least not in the way it did then.

And yet, there were so many things that I enjoyed about being married to Tdub. We had great rapport when it came to talking about things that interested us like movies, people at church, theological stuff. His brain had been programmed, it seemed to me, with Church of Christ doctrine (which doesn't really exists, btw hehe!) and my brain was constantly trying to figure out what it meant to really be a Christian. This made for some great discussions where we'd sometimes disagree but with a great deal of humor. We did the sorts of things together that keep couples together. But there was always this nagging issue, like a gnat that won't die, swirling around the boundaries of all our good times.

I will process more. Thank you Grant for your inspiration and encouragement. I've got mucho sewing to do. I'm working on some fund raising projects for Christmas money. I'll post some pictures later...maybe even later this evening.

Sparky is wonderful in his stubborn, impish, dachshund way. Having figured out that momee gives treats from the fridge (cut up cubes of spam) when he comes in when called from outside, he's now decided to bypass the outside step altogether. He will get my attention that he wants outside. I follow him as he prances down the little hallway to the back door. I open the door, and he turns and prances back down the hall and stops in front of the fridge with his tail wagging. Gotta love that!


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Thankful

I'm thankful today for Sparky's near complete recovery.

I'm thankful for blog readers who are gracious enough to pray for a dog.

I'm thankful for four healthy sons. I much prefer the sorts of trials and tribulations they offer as healthy teens than what I'd be experiencing if one of them were fatally or chronically ill.

I'm thankful for my parents. I agree with them most of the time (not all), and they've taught me to be willfully graceful.

I'm thankful for the trials and tribulations of life that have drawn me closer to and made me more reliant on God.

Most of all, I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit, who lives and works in the here and now, through all sorts of people in all walks of life, and who comforts me continuously through those folks.

love and grace,
pam

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Still Recuperating

Sparky is improved, but not fully. He is choosing to use the paper in the house instead of going outside. On a typical evening, I spoil him by allowing him to go in and out as much as he wishes. This usually amounts to about 17 million trips to the back door for me. He's gone out once this entire evening and has spent most of his time in his "me" space which I discovered once during a frantic search for him thinking he was lost. He retreats to the back of my little closet, under the hanging clothes, a few times a week. I think these are the days when dealing with Emma's high spirits have completely drained him of all emotional resource. Sparky is definitely an introvert, like me. Emma, on the other hand, is frisky and ready for a constant frolic this evening, having spent the entire day with a wounded co-hort. She is currently yelping at me in a high-pitched sort of girly dog scream because she's got more playin' do to before this day comes to a close. I may join Sparky in the "me" space before the night is over.

I do appreciate all your well wishes and prayers. Tomorrow is our last day before our Thanksgiving break, so I will be able to take him in to the vet if he is still mopey on Friday. I'll keep ya posted!

love and grace,
pam

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Pray for Sparky

I feel sort of stupid asking this. I know there are children dying and hungry in third world countries. Sparky was attacked last night by a German shepherd. He has one gash about the size of the dime and another about half that size. My neighbor is a nurse and she looked at it and said he doesn't need stitches or anything, but you wouldn't believe the way he's moping around and refuses to go back outside. He's just not Sparky. He's been such a great friend to me and seen me through such a difficult time. I wish I could take him to school with me today, but that's not possible.

I'll post pictures later this afternoon, and I hope I come home to a much improved dog.

love and grace,
pam

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Making Headway

Last Thursday's dinner was great. Both teenagers were here,(Senior Boy and Sophomore Girl) along with their art teacher and my friend, the veteran art teacher. I feel like I made some major headway in building trust with the teenagers so that they'll feel comfortable here in my home. My ultimate goal is to get them living in a clean place of their own that has a washer and dryer. The interim goal is for them to feel comfortable coming down to my house for dinner occasionally and to do their laundry. They are GOOD kids. My veteran art teacher friend is such a great resource for the kids as well as the first-year art teacher. Both teachers are going to continue to provide mentoring and resources for Senior Boy so that he can get into a good college art program next year.

Thanks for the prayers! I've got more to write but no time at the moment.

love and grace,
pam


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The Politics of Poverty

My snazzy little pirate girl is seizing the day. She's living, loving, and laughing as if she wakes up covered in fairy dust each morning. She has become a joy to me and quickly stolen my heart like the daughter I've never had.

But, there's a glitch. Big brother and sister. Both high-schoolers and talented artists. It's the brother with the major issues concerning all the "help" I can provide. If I can ever crack him, the sister will follow. He views my help as a judgement on their current situation. And frankly, it is. The problem is, he's hanging on to poverty and uncleanliness like Linus hangs on to his blanket. Dad wants them to receive it and "gets" it. Yet, this kid.....he's a tough nut to crack, apparently. I've talked to him at length only once. He came down last Wednesday to view all the Halloween festivities. We had a great visit. Nothing was mentioned about ANY of the stuff going on with my helping them. I just spent the time getting to know him, talking a bit about art, and scaring some of the kids as they came up to trick-or-treat. He never let on that he was having so much trouble, and I was relieved to finally have the chance to meet him and know him.

I'm cooking a bit pot of spaghetti tonight and I've invited his art teacher (who he LOVES, and who, come to find out, has been trying to help as well) and another friend of mine who's a veteran and highly respected art teacher in this state. Pirate girl says dad is having to force the kids to come. Dad is invited to, but may not be able to make it. I'd appreciate any prayers you can wing up for me today.

love and grace,
pam

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Kids are rotten.

Yeah, so like Pam mentioned, Tony and I have a four-year-old now, and let me tell you something about that. Kids that age are rotten. A lot of fun, yes. Cute as a button. They always take a good picture.

But they are rotten. Just rotten to the core.

They're always testing you. Always tip toeing right up to the edge of those behavioral boundaries that you put in place for them.

Like I'll put the kid down for a nap, and I'll tell him "You stay in that bed, or we're going to have a problem."

And so what he does is he'll dangle one foot off the bed so that it's hovering a fraction of a millimeter above the floor. And I know, I KNOW that as soon as I walk out the door, he's pushing stuff around with his foot. His cars, his blocks, his Elmo, whatever he can reach without technically violating the nap order.

And I think it's times like that when, as a parent, you really have to reach back and remember maybe the five or six worst things you ever did when you were a kid.

Like one time, my friend John, his dad built a teepee in the backyard for us. A real live teeepee. And John told me "Tonight, after everybody goes to bed, sneak out of the house and meet me here. In the teepee. We're going to have a secret meeting."

Well, of course. I was five. It sounded like the most reasonable thing in the world to me. You got a teepee. You're going to sneak out of the house and have a secret meeting. Just seemed to follow logically.

So that night my parents put me to bed. I waited until the house was completely quiet. I got out of bed, put on my bathrobe, walked down the street to John's house, let myself in the backyard and sat down in the teepee.

John stood me up (and neglected to mention the sprinkler system in the backyard), but that's a story for another post.

The point is, in all likelihood, your kids aren't any rottener than you were when you were that age, and you turned out OK, so don't feel like you have to address every single little incident of rottenness that comes up. Some of it you just have to let it slide or just put it behind you and forget about it.

Like the time the kid threw his shoe at my head while I was driving. I figured he's tired, he's cranky, I'm letting that one slide.

And to be honest, I was pretty darned impressed with his marksmanship.

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Introducing.....

FLO!

Actually, I'm introducing my new co-blogger, Kurt "big daddy" True. I could tell you all the factual information I know about Kurt in about 5 sentences. Instead, I'll tell you the things that I think are most important as to why I invited him to co-blog with me at Willful Grace. Kurt has been commenting off and on since the beginning of my blogging days. He ranks in the top five of commenters to my blog who have demonstrated "willful grace" to me during the course of my blog journey. (kudos as well to a few other quite regular and full of grace gay male commenters: Robert, Norm!, Brady, and Peterson) I've talked about willing myself to extend grace to others, and I believe that during times when these guys have strongly disagreed with some things I had to say, they willed themselves to extend the sort of grace toward me that I strive to extend to others. The point of extending grace being that none of us come within light years of comprehending the grace God extends to us through the gift of his son.

Kurt has made me laugh out loud with his comments on more than one occasion. He has a child-like quality to his outlook that I find refreshing and often profound. He is gay, and he and his partner have recently adopted a 4-year-old son.

I didn't ask Kurt to co-blog here because I'm trying to convince people to accept anything, vote for anything, or even deem anything good, right, and holy. In fact, if you are bound and determined that Kurt represents everything that's wrong with our world today, his writing may be the perfect place for you to practice some willful grace of your own.

love and grace,
pam
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Hallween PIcture Fun

Some of us had fun. This picture is not convincing that Sparky was among the fun-havers. In fact, this looks like the perfect picture for Kurt to caption for us. I've invited Kurt to co-blog with me, BTW. I'm anxiously awaiting his reply and I've promised to put up a picture of his cat.

Here's Emma within 2 minutes of putting on her Egyptian collar. Notice the beadwork is mostly gone. It was completely decimated within 30 minutes. I'm still finding bits of it strewn about the house and yard. I did manage to keep her away from Sparky's collar but don't think for a minute she didn't try and make mincemeat of his as well.

As promised to my class of 4th graders, I turned my front porch into an Egyptian tomb, complete with sarcophagus and my own personal mummy. The mummy took a 20 minute break to watch Nickelodeon during one of the busiest times. Geez. But, since he's family, I decided not to short him on his payment of pixy sticks. The word nepotism does sound a bit Egyptian,doesn't it?

I'll close with a few more pics including one of a very resigned Sparky. He's such the golden boy when it comes to dogs.

I'll get back to more thoughtful posting next week. I've still got a ton of stuff rambling around in my head to think and write about, but after all the work I went to in pulling off this Egyptian Halloween, I wasn't about to let it go unblogged!

love and grace,
pam

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Staying Busy

The blog silence is deafening. Sorry.

I've recently discovered a young person, actually a family of them, who are living in poverty only one block from me. It's one of those situations where things probably could be better, aren't likely to get better, yet aren't quite bad enough to call some sort of hotline. While I can't do much of anything financially, I can provide a place to wash clothes and get clean. So, that's what I've been busying myself with lately.

I can't tell you what it meant today to know that one sweet little 12-yr.-old went to school completely clean and odor-free for the first time in who knows when. AND, she was dressed in a snazzy pirate-girl outfit I'd made her for our dress-up day. She looked as if she felt like a million bucks!

I'll catch up more later.

love and grace,
pam

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Thoughts on Divorce (updated)

I do read quite a bit. As far as theology goes, I read the Bible, and mostly stuff by one of these three guys. The last guy linked is a theologian named N.T. Wright, and he's the one I've been reading most recently and am reading now. His stuff is the kind you don't zip through like a Rob Bell book. I take notes as I read his books.

This rambling I'm doing on my blog is just "armchair theology". The kinda stuff I used to hear my parents do after church on Sundays when my aunt and uncle would come over for Sunday lunch. They'd toss everything around out loud, agreeing or disagreeing with parts of what the preacher had said that morning. One big difference between me and my parents, as I recall it, is that they had way more stuff nailed down than I do. I tend to have way more questions than answers about pretty much everything I think about regarding theology.

I'd like to ramble on a bit about divorce. Since I've experienced two of them, I suppose I could call myself an expert. But, I won't.

The thing is, I can remember how it was, or at least my perception of it, 30 years ago for people who were divorced. I was 14 then. Keeping in mind that I grew up in a fundamentalist church in the South, my perception was that divorced people were tainted, or, in other words, sinful. They were certainly less valuable in the church back then and weren't allowed to teach or hold any positions of leadership whatsoever. A divorced church secretary, a volunteer position back then, would be OUT. I got the very clear idea that even though divorced people could receive forgiveness and make it to heaven, they'd rendered themselves pretty much useless for work in God's kingdom because of this great sin. Nowadays, there are some mainline churches that allow divorced folks to do all sorts of things within the body that would never have occurred 30 years ago. Most still draw the line and positions like elder or preacher, but the lines are WAY broader than they used to be within the church for those who are divorced. What changed? Did God change his mind or did we change ours? Could it be that Kurt is onto something in the comments of the last post. (i don't have time to copy and paste it so you'll have to look if you didn't read it).

The fact of the matter is that I'm living in a time when it's much easier to be a divorced person and operate fully within the realm of daily church life than would have been possible 30 years ago. Heck, I could probably go and sign up to teach in ANY one of the churches in this small town, TODAY, and I've been through two divorces! Wait. I take that back. The Church of Christ here still holds a moratorium on those divorced. But, the CoC doesn't really count because you can't tell what one congregation will do for sure on any given issue unless you go in, get comfortable, and find out. Which, I think is kind of a good thing and this is the reason the CoC can claim that they're not a demonimation....they have no governing body. I digress.

ANYWAY....you get my point. And, the point of all my rambling is NOT to try and prove that divorce is not a sin. I honestly believe that the same things that are sin have always been sin. I don't think sin changes over the course of time just because our culture changes. I do think that WE change in the way that we relate to one another within our sinful state of being....and we, as his people, may change our minds about how we view sin, but God has never changed at all in the way that HE relates to US.

I'm short on time, so I'll finish this particular rambling after school today. Thanks for reading so far!

Updated portion begins here--------------------------------------

ok...so...where was I going with this?

Kurt mentioned in his comment that Jesus was talking about abandonement when he was being so strict on divorce, and that divorce in that day and time was very different in it's outcome for all involved than in today's culture. I agree, because, based on what I know about Kurt, I don't think he was necessarily saying that marriage vows aren't to be taken as seriously as they should be, but that divorce, when it does occur, takes place in a completely different context than it used to. I do believe that most divorce, at some point, probably involves some manner of sin. In the case of my first divorce (here goes the expert), there was emotional abandonement by both parties. We sinned against one another by abandoning one another in our hearts . More specifically, I'll let it be known, I abandoned him emotionally. I could sit here and make excuses for why I did that....pretty darn good ones, I might add....but....the plain fact of the matter is that I sinned against him by abandoning him emotionally. And this was MY sin that I had to come to grips with, hold myself accountable for, and reconcile with my ex-husband and with God. And those things have been done. Apologies have been made all around, and each of us has released the other from the burden of a whole boatload of sin that was spread around between the two of us where that marriage was concerned. There may be opinions (mostly by friends and family watching from the peanut gallery) as to who bore the biggest burden of sin, but none of that matters because love keeps no record of wrongs and LOVE is the order of the day.

And it works out similarly in the case of my most recent divorce from Tdub. It's public blog record that Tdub abandoned me emotionally. While I could make a slight case for physical abandonement, it would be slight. The end of that story is that Tdub sought forgiveness from me, and I granted it. He didn't offer reconciliation, but I had no intentions of accepting it even if it were offered. And so, we've made our peace. Whether or not Tdub has made peace with God concerning our divorce is between him and God, and his getting forgiveness from me can't stand in the way of him accepting it from God.

I guess the point of all this rambling is that so many of these things have to be worked out personally. I just don't think the Bible can be looked at like some giant rule book where every situation is laid out with instructions for when a person can consider themselves "in" or "out" where God is concerned. It even seems to me that once your ever really "in"....God's just so relentless in His pursuit....that even when you run you can't seem to hide. And for that....I am most eternally grateful!


love and grace,
pam



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Being a Christian and Gay Stuff (post 1)

OK. So. Where do I begin?

I feel like I'm smack dab in the middle of a long conversation that God is having with me about Gay Stuff. I believe that God speaks to us through our experiences (see Play-doh analogy), and like it or not, he's been speaking to me about gay folks since I was just a little girl. I didn't know it at the time, mind you, but he was speaking. I won't detail the long list of circumstances that repeatedly (and continue) to wedge their way into the fabric of my life (I won't even mention the fact that a principal interested in hiring me before I accepted my current job was named Mr. Gay. Oh...wait...I just did. Oh well.) . I digress.

The first hurdle I'd like to jump, is the term gay Christian. Granted, I may knock the hurdle completely over for some of you just by spouting the term gay Christian. Nevertheless, here we are, and here is this definition. Can a gay person be a Christian? For me, the answer is a great big....DUH....well....YEAH. I put that out there right away so the gay readers could let out a big sigh and know that they don't need to get defensive over this post. Of course, at this point, all the strident evangelicals have veins popping out in their neck. Assuming any strident evangelicals still read my ramblings.

The difficulty for many folks, in my estimation, with using the term "gay Christian" seems to lie within that whole yucky area called SIN. Where does sin happen? What does sin look like? Can a person sin and not be aware of it? What happens at the point that a person DOES become aware of their sin? Is homosexual sex sin? Is divorce sin? Is eating too much ice cream sin? Is wanting a bigger house when there are children starving in Africa sin? Is sin all the same? Who gets to decide all this? How do we respond to sinners when we ourselves are horribly at fault? We know that no sins are bigger than others, and yet, is the human inclination to behave as if some sins ARE bigger, sin?

AGAIN....WHERE does sin happen and if we can't see some sins physically....can we really see ANY sins physically????

You all know this relates to Gay Stuff. Either comment away....(which i LOVE, BTW....if I could afford to I'd send you all M&M's for commenting).....or....wait for me to continue the rambling.....comments do affect the rambling since I really don't know much of anything.

love and grace,
pam

p.s. unless your initials are j.b. or c.f. don't post huge long gobs of scripture and stuff or i might not read it.


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Play-Doh, God, and Gay Stuff

I haven't written anything really meaty about gay stuff in an age. It's not because I've stopped thinking about those issues, it's just that, because of the circumstances of the past year, and my bits of writing here and there at XGW, I've just not had the inclination to write about any of that stuff here.

For anyone stopping by randomly, or maybe a long lost friend or even possibly a parent who's decided to google me and ended up here, I started writing this blog a few years ago after discovering I was married to a guy who struggled with same sex attraction. At that time, I was anonymous. Last year, he decided to give up the struggle, accept himself as gay, and now has a partner.

I once (somewhere on this blog, or maybe it was in my classroom) described our lives as being sort of like a big lump of Play-Doh. We get squished and battered around by our experiences, and, like it or not, those experiences sort of "shape" us. Furthermore, the shaping that gets done from all current or future experiences is totally affected by what shape you were in at the end of the last "go-round". Keeping with this analogy, I like to think of God as the big zip bag I get put into between shapings. If it weren't for that bag, I'd get all hard and crusty and my shape would start to actually chip away over time as I continued to be battered. But, the zip bag protects me mostly by keeping me soft and pliable. In fact, it's that soft, pliable lump, the one sitting there waiting to be formed, that's most valuable to God.

All that said, I've got some thoughts I'm going to write in the next few weeks about Gay Stuff. I guess this is just a "teaser". Sorry. But, it's been so long since I've really spoken about those things here, I just felt like getting this sort of, I don't know, disclaimer out there first.

love and grace,
pam
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Happy Birthday Sparky

The Sparkster turned one year old today. *sigh* My baby is all grown up.

I hosted a party for him in my classroom. Now, lest you think I'm one of those teachers who allows her kids "party" all the time, I need to inform you that these kids did some great research about dachshunds today as well as some rather difficult computing about the amount of money I've spent in dog food for the year, etc. This was all done so that they could "earn" the privilege of hosting Sparky's party during the last 30 minutes of our school day. It was great fun.

Here is Sparky enjoying his "cake" of wet cat food. Cat food is a treat he hasn't been able to enjoy since we left Texas, and our cat, behind there.

And, here's one of me, looking rather tired yet blissfully happy surrounded by students and holding Sparky at the end of another exciting school day.


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Crazy Week

It's been a crazy/emotional week. I don't typically link to the stuff I write for XGW, but in this case I will. There are a few reasons why I chose, after praying about it, to volunteer as a writer over there and this sort of article is one of them. One of the other reasons is that writing for XGW challenges me. I have to write like a journalist there. It's unnatural for me; I much prefer the free and easy personal narrative style of blog writing, but it's great for my writing skills.

If you took the time to read the article I linked to above, you now know what I mean when I say this week has been emotionally hectic. It seems the former clients of our former therapist are coming out of the woodwork to the point that we (those of us at XGW) are considering starting an online support group to assist everyone in their "debriefing", so to speak. It's a very difficult thing, to come to grips with the fact that someone you've put such a high level of esteem and trust into has abused that responsibility.

In other news, it's almost time for Miss Emma to go under the "doggie knife" for her transition into the world of.....hmmm.....what would I call that? It's not the same as Sparky being "euniched". I guess she's entering a world of barrenness. The thing is, there's a cute little Jack Russell terrier who's been making the 3-block trek to our house every single morning for the past 2 weeks in search of pretty lil' Miss Em. I'm not sure what we'd call that mix ( jackshund terrier?, jackweenie?) and even though I'm sure they'd be adorable, I'm not a willing host to such a match. So, next Tuesday it is. Little Miss Emma's legacy will be no more. She and Sparky can live out their days sans the complication of an overactive doggy sex drive. After the week I've had....heck....after the decade I've had....I'm beginning to think that's the way to go!

love and grace,
pam



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Blog Slacker

Yes, that's me. Your resident blog slacker. I've had numerous brainstorms lately - things that I really ought to commit to writing as I ponder them through my head. And yet, you see the pitiful results here. Nothing for over a week. I need to do better. Not for you, mind you. For me. Writing this blog was something I started for myself. You guys, reading it and making comments, are just ICING on top. I do love me some icing! But still, the writing is healthy and good for me and I'm going to commit to doing it more. Promise. Keep in mind that I've been known to eat the icing off cupcakes and throw the rest away....comments make me happy inside!

Here's one of my latest inner brainstorm sessions....

I'm convinced that the world would be a better place if all the folks with children under the age of 18 broke up into towns between 5 and 10 thousand in population. It would also help if extended family groups, for the most part, ( lovers, haters, fighters, and all) stayed within that same town or general vicinity. This thinking, of course, is based on my recent move to this little town where I'm teaching. It's different here. The kids here have something kids in big places don't have. They are accountable and they matter. Everyone here belongs to everyone else and is connected through time, place, and experience. I'm not just Ms. Ferguson, Johnny's 4th grade teacher. I'm Ms. Ferguson, whose cousin's cousin married Johnny's aunt who lives on the place just across the fence from Ms. Ferguson's uncle on her daddy's side of the family. If this sounds confusing, it is. Confusing in a lovely, connected, sometimes twisted, and yet validating sort of way. I'm somebody. And so is Johnny. We belong to people and those people know us and expect certain things from us. And Johnny and I will go on living here and Johnny may end up being my principal or my superintendent one day. Or, Johnny may end up fixing the flat on my tire or changing my oil and I'll be no less appreciative of him or interested in him as a person because we're connected and we always have been. Johnny will go to my funeral and comfort my children and my grandchildren.

Sure, there are a few downsides this sort of near "incestuous" sort of living. Johnny's 2nd cousin who works at the bank could divulge exactly where and how Ms. Ferguson spends her monthly paycheck. What's more, alot of folks would be very interested to know. Thankfully, I'm not tempted by casinos or nightclubs because that sort of information could travel across the county quicker than I could make the short drive home.

All in all, though, I'm all for the small town connectedness that I've discovered here. It's exactly what I need at this point in my life and I consider it a blessing. And, I can't help but think of so many of my former students in Granbury who I believe would benefit greatly from being connected like this. I met so many 7th graders last year who seemed to just need a place to belong and to know that they mattered to someone.

*whew* That felt good. I think I'll write more often!

love and grace,
pam
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School Design on a Dime

In true HGTV fanatic fashion, I've got before and after shots of my classroom. Wait till you see what I've done with the place!

Here's the BEFORE:

In its previous life my classroom was a home-ec room(they still call it that here).....the wallpaper was a dinghy, off-white color with stripes on one side, and the other side was navy blue. There was a border which featured baskets of red and green apples. (bleh!)

BUT.....

NO MORE......

BE GONE red and green apples....

BE GONE....dinghy stripes and depressing DARK BLUE......


Here's the new and much-IMPROVED Ms. Ferguson's 4th grade class-o-rama!

I

I painted right over the dark and dinghy stuff and enjoyed every second of it! These pics were taken just after "meet the parents" explaining why you see the Wal-mart bags which contain supplies that had been dropped off.

Whatcha' think?

love and grace,
pam

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Inservice (year 3)

This will be my third time to start school while blogging. Wow. And, having become typical for me by now, I'm starting something "new". I add the "quotes" because to me it's really all just teaching and the only thing that changes is the age of the student or the subject being taught. I'm one of THOSE teachers. We are sort of few and far between (it seems) and really only need a room and some kids to consider ourselves happy and successful in what we are doing. The age of student and the subject matter taught, while important, are just details that go along with the specific year.

And so, we begin. This time it's 4th grade and I can't wait to show you, my readers, the room I've set up. I've got just a bit more tweaking to do before I take the pictures and present the before/after shots to all the world as you wait with baited breath. Baited breath sounds smelly, doesn't it?

An important aspect of this whole teaching thing is the team of which I'm a part. I'm not being "Pollyanna" when I say that this is a group of ladies for which I could purposely search the world over and not find....leading me to the only conclusion available in that God had this all figured out from the start. I can't begin to convey to you how awesome I know it will be go to work with them each day. The whole set-up - from the room, to the principal, to the office staff, to the custodians - is absolutely heaven-sent for me right now. In many ways, I feel like I've stepped into a time warp. The pace is slower and more relaxed here. However, the test scores of the students are really great, so I don't get the idea that it's a complacent sort of relaxation. At this point, it just seems really intimate and cozy. I'm sure there's a downside to that and I'm sure I'll discover it in time. But, at least I'll have the opposite experience off of which I can bounce this one.

I keep mentioning that the town is really small and I'm related to many folks. Here's the kicker, if I'm not related to them, I SWEAR, we could play the 6 degrees of separation game and EVERY single time I'd come out that close to these people. One of my fellow 4th grade teachers and I share 1st cousins. One degree of separation, right there. It's almost scary at some point.

My class of 4th graders will arrive next Tuesday for what seems to me to be an early start to a school year. I can't wait to meet them! I'm sure I'll figure out, in time, that I'm only 6 degrees from being related to every one of them. Fun fun fun.

Hope all is well with all of you!

love and grace,
pam

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Beyond Guilt

I'd love to be able to say that I've arrived at a place where I feel completely beyond the guilt of yet another failed marriage. But, I'm not there yet. It sucks being 44 yrs. old and being twice divorced. I can find a wonderful spot to live or spend quality time with friends and family but I still can't seem to get past that juncture just yet. Cliches' ramble over in my head: "best laid plans", "hindsight is 20/20", "such is life", and on and on.

It's almost impossible, at least for me, to meet new folks and not have it come to light rather quickly that I've been married twice. The whole thing with the last name, the boys, where they are, why I'm here.....it's just inevitable. Unless, of course, I want to become a completely different person than I am and not make any friends at all. I really like people. I've gone back over it in my mind (surprise, surprise), and it's not that I blurt things out without being asked. It's more like I create an atmosphere where people feel comfortable asking me just about anything. And then, I just answer.

And so, I'm here in this new place and it's great. It's awesome and it was totally the right thing to do. I'm certain of it. But the guilt, or maybe it's just the sense of failure in that one particularly important area of life, followed me here. The good news is, the invisible baggage that looms over me does feel much lighter here. Way lighter. I don't have to console, or give an update on the status of Tdub and the boys, to every 3rd person I meet in Walmart. Although, the Walmart experience has taken on a new twist altogether since I've yet to go in the tiny one here without running into at least one blood relation. And, not to get all "martha stewarty" on you or anything, that's a good thing. So far. (hee hee!)

It's all good, or at least as good as it can be. It must be "pity party" day on my lunar calendar. The thing is this. There is no way that any of us can look back at any part of our life and not see things we could have done differently, better, or more purposefully. It's just a fact of life and the way God designed it. And so, when I look back, and see failure in those areas, I look at the things that I did or didn't do or could have done differently. And it just sucks. Great big time sucks. This song was written for alot of folks, but it sure as heck speaks to me. And, since I'm a big internet weenie and don't know how to imbed the video here into my blog even though I've tried like 18 times and am logged into YouTube and the whole thing....I'll just put the link to it here.

The Fray

love and grace,
pam
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Boys Reunited

Probably the BIGGEST concern, and rightly so, that anyone who's become even slightly interested in my story has had, has been about the boys. I've never p0sted pictures of either of Tdub's two, but now I have permission from Tdub AND #3, Hayden, who is visiting me in Oklahoma this week.

Hayden and Drew have been, as they are, like two long-lost and reunited brothers. I've had so much fun listening to them, watching them, and carting them around just like old times. Here are some pics. Hayden is the redhead.

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Living Close to Nature

I hadn't decided yet to reveal which tiny Oklahoma town I've moved to, but this post makes it obvious so I may as well come out with it. There's a National Park here and it's so wonderful (not to mention offers superb photo ops) that I can't contain myself from sharing.

The park is called Chickasaw National Recreation Area. and it's in Sulphur, Oklahoma. The park makes me think of Kurt since his blog consists almost exclusively of pictures of places he's gone hiking/exploring/photo opping. Seems like I'm frequently giving blog love to Kurt of late, but hey, he's a great blog friend and his infrequent posts and picture captions often crack me up.

Anyway....this place is awesome! I had a friend down this week to visit and we took the pups walking in the park on two occasions.


The park is full of trails, waterfalls, and places to swim or just wade around and cool off. I love it and plan on spending a good amount of time there when the weather cools off a bit.

Happy Summer to all of you! Mine will be over in only TWO weeks! I report to my new school on August 8!

I'll post before and after pictures of my new classroom soon. I'm still working on the "after" part.

love and grace,
pam


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Unpacking Hope

Unpacking and setting up in a new place is full of reflection. It's been almost a year, but not yet a year, since the sudden demise of the marriage. Those were dark days last August, just as school was gearing up for my 18th year of teaching. In the beginning, Drew and I stayed with dear friends who've been like surrogate parents to me. While we were there a package arrived. The box contained an angel figurine, specifically, the one in front, holding the lantern.

It's titled "Angel of Hope". Christine and her sister sent it. I'd had plans to meet Christine in person, the weekend just before the bottom fell out. She was in town at the time visiting her sister who I'd met several months earlier in a little coffee shop on our town square. Unfortunately, the face-to-face meeting never occurred because I was in pitiful shape that weekend. And then, this "Angel of Hope" arrived for me in the mail a week later. It remains a heartfelt reminder to me, not only of the HOPE I have in Christ, but in the beauty of God's design which enables us to reach out and impact one another in significant ways during desperate times.

My friendship with Christine began through an email. Christine had read my blog, and then discovered that I lived in the same Texas town as her sister. At the time, her sister was struggling a bit with Christine's gayness, specifically as it related to how to go about combining her religious beliefs about homosexuality with her great love for Christine. B (C's sister) and I met and I knew immediately that I'd found a friend in her AND in Christine. There was the connection you get with people that only comes by the spirit. And it was there, and remains, even if I never see or talk with Christine or B face-to-face in this age.

B and I have each moved from that Texas town where we met. Christine has gone on to become a famous lesbian. ;) And, I still have hope for things to come and a little figurine to remind me of connections made here that are eternal.

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Back Online!

I'm here! My internet was connected today and BOY was I ready! I've been able to check email at a cousin's house just enough to stave off trembling and cold sweats. All the things I brought in the first round of moving are unpacked and put away and I'm ready to go back for the rest. That will happen this week. Here are a few more pictures of my new place.

This is my back patio.


Here's the view out my back door and down the sidewalk where you can see the extra storage/studio/whatever room. It's air-conditioned, has a concrete floor, two cabinets, and two shelving units inside.

This is the view from the living room into the breakfast/dining area.

A kitchen with cabinets all the way up to the ceiling!


Sparky and Emma are becoming very spoiled to the walks we're able to take all around our new neighborhood. I love the weather here; it's so much nicer for walking in the mornings and evenings. There's actually a cool breeze and low humidity. That's very different from Texas. It's still raining off and on every day but not so much that there's not plenty of time to get in several walks.

They love taking in all the new smells...like this tree!

Thanks for checking in. And particularly for all the prayers and support I've received from all of you during this transition.

Numbers 6
24 " ' "The LORD bless you
and keep you;

25 the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;

26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace." '

love and grace,
pam

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Sweet Home Oklahoma

My dad's on his way with a U-Haul. I'm going to back to God's country. It's funny; that comment was mentioned (god's country) by a new acquaintance of mine in OK the other day and I realized that "God's country" for my boys will be here. I think God's country must be wherever your home and family really lives, or maybe it's the place where you've grown up, assuming you had a lovely childhood. I do thank God for the lovely childhood I experienced that does make going back like going to God's country.

I found a WONDERFUL place to live.
This is the front. It's completely renovated with all new flooring, central heat/air, brand new appliances, a walk-in laundry room, AND an 8X6 room full of shelves that could be a "craft" room for me! There are two bedrooms. It also has a separate, air-conditioned room that matches the house which would make a perfect little art studio. The yard is immaculate and the owner does all the yard maintenance. Is this just incredible???? AND....it's cheaper in rent than what I'm paying now. Here's the back.
I'll post more pictures later. Did I mention there are TONS of cabinets...and the owner takes care of the yard???? I am feeling so blessed and favored by God right now. I know....I do know, that I'm always blessed and favored and that circumstances don't really mean much, but this is incredible! I'm going to unplug the computer now. See you in God's country!

love and grace,
pam

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