New, Improved Sparky

Here are the AFTER pictures:

Yes....our beloved Sparky is officially "euniched" as of today.
WHAT....DO....YOU....THINK.....about that?
(it's a rhetorical question mostly)
Yes, he's just a dog. I know that.
As much comfort and, believe it or not, sincere LOVE I've felt from this animal, I recognize that he, indeed, is JUST, a dog.
And I determined, in my infinite wisdom, that he is best suited to my circumstances as a "euniched" dog.

And yet.....there has not been ONE person....not ONE....who has not reacted in some primal way to my telling of the fact that today was the day that Sparky was being "fixed".

What's up with that? Is there much to it? Hmmm.. I honestly am saying ALL that I know in asking these questions. I sincerely and honestly have found it striking that EVERYONE who's heard me mention Sparky's surgery has had SOME sort of comment about it. It must be that this "sexual" thing is somehow innately important. DUH. And yet. (that "yet" is fully loaded with statistics and anectodal info.) Here's my retelling of the conversation I had with Drew (drew turned the ripe old age of 13 this week) about Sparky's surgery.

Me: I have to get up extra early in the morning to take Sparky in for a surgery.

Drew: What surgery???! (he's a bit panicked as he tends to "worry" about just everything)

Me: Oh...it's not a problem. It's just a normal surgery that dogs get.

Drew: Surgery? What surgery? What?

Me: Well...most people...when they have a dog....get the surgery done so that they can't have puppies....unless they want to have puppies.

Drew: Sparky won't have puppies?

Me: No. We don't want or need puppies from Sparky. And the surgery will make him a better dog.

Drew: What? How? Uh... (he's very confused at this point)

Me: Yeah....for real. If we leave him like this...and don't take care of it....well...then....he might start humping kitty.

Drew: But what if he doesn't? I've never seen him humping kitty.

Me: He will.

Drew: For real?

Me: Yeah.

Drew: How do you know?

Me: Because he's a boy. That's what boy dogs do. They get to that certain point...and then...they just want to hump everything. And we don't want Sparky to do that.

Drew: (hesitatanly)...well....

Me: (attempting to be very affirmative) WHAT??

Drew: I think it might be good if he gets to experience it at least just ONCE.

Me: No. That's not good.

Drew: I don't agree with it.

Me: Ok. Well, when you get your own dog, you can decide, but I get to decide about Sparky.

And so, Sparky came home today with his little stiches and his little ornaments just completely GONE. And I did show it to Drew because we do have to watch and make sure that Sparky is not doing certain things that might impede the healing process. And when I held Sparky up to Drew to show him what had been done....Drew's response was....."That's not right, Mom. Why did we do that to him?" And I responded, "Because it will make a better dog out of him."

It would be crazy, I realize, to try and correspond most of this incident to the whole gay or ex-gay thing. I'm NOT doing that. I'm just telling a story that happened this week. I do believe that parts of every story relate to other parts....for good or bad, regardless of sexual persuasion. So there. ;)


love and grace,
pam


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Me and Tdub

Some may wonder, actually many often do and ask me, "Do you ever talk to Tdub?", or "What's your relationship like with him now? Do you have much of one?"

The answer is, "yes". Tdub and I remain friends. We are in touch at least once a week and usually more because of the boys. And, we really talk every once in a while, maybe once a month or so. We chatted for about 30 minutes online just today. He is doing well. The main topic of our discussions when we have time to really get into serious conversation, like today, pertains to spiritual sorts of matters. My biggest concern is his soul and that he tend to it. He didn't leave the marriage in a very graceful way, you see. It was very sudden for me, happening literally overnight through the course of an all-night discussion. By that time, he'd already "left" but hadn't gotten around to letting me know. He's apologized, sincerely, and I've forgiven him, sincerely. But, the fact that he left so suddenly, without "due process", so to speak, means that he left in a pretty horrid state spiritually and even emotionally for himself. He just didn't give it the time and effort it deserved, even if he'd ended up with the same decision, which he probably would have; he could have made it happen in a more appropriate way. These are things we've discussed, and it's okay between us now as far as being able to have a relationship as friends.

He says he holds me in the highest esteem. He seems most regretful of the fact that he doesn't feel he ever really loved me the way that he should have. I'm most regretful of not being more honest about some other issues not related to his sexuality that I should have been more open about. I had been very miserable living in the old house with all of it's issues for a very long time. But, there were always so many other things to tend to that I sort of pushed all of that back and allowed it to discourage me to the point that I would "escape" to the blog or to reading or other pursuits when I could have been more engaged in the family life. Oh well. It's all water under the bridge now. That's honestly the way I feel about it. Is that horrible?

There's more I could say, but I'll leave it for another post. I have a script to finish writing for a youth drama we're doing at church.

love and grace,
pam

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Five Favorite Quotes

Peterson tagged me to post five of my favorite quotes. This will just be five that I really love and could locate quickly online. I have such a difficult time choosing favorites of anything. Thanks for the tag, Peterson.

(1) from LOTR-Two Towers

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for

(2)from "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell

"A Christian doesn't avoid the questions; a Christian embraces them. In fact, to truly pursue the living God, we have to see the need for questions."

(3)another from Rob Bell and "Velvet Elvis"

"What's disturbing is when people talk more about hell after this life than they do about hell here and now. As a Christian, I want to do what I can to resist hell coming to earth. Poverty, injustice, suffering- they are all hells on earth and as Christians we oppose them with all our energies."

(4)C.S. Lewis

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

(5)Martin Luther King, Jr.

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well."

I tag: Jay, Chris, Norm!, Brady, and Timothy

love and grace,
pam

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Back Home

It was a refreshing week for me in Oklahoma, the homeland. There was an eerie difference to the visit; looking around with the eyes of a daughter returning home after 21 years as opposed to another typical visit with the folks.

I visited most of my old school haunts. Sadly, the junior high where I attended 7, 8, and 9th grades was being demolished. I'm not surprised since it was decrepit 30 years ago when I attended. I visited the new and much-improved Middle School built to replace it on the opposite side of town. I found one of my classmates working in the office there and had a nice little catch-up conversation with her.

The eeriest visit of all was the one back to my old high school. It's exactly the same as it was all those years ago with the exception of all the changes in personnel. One of our school counselors is now principal, and one of my classmates is one of the vice principals. They have an opening for a journalism teacher, and I believe I would thrive in that sort of position. The possibility of being a teacher at my high school alma mater is exciting to me. The fact that it's exciting tells me a great deal about where my journey has taken me in the past several years. I'd never have imagined that moving back home could sound so enticing. And yet, it does, and I'm ready for the move.

God is faithful.

love and grace,
pam


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New Adventure

I've had a wonderful week so far. Lots of exciting things are going on, and it seems this is a season of open doors and new beginnings. God is faithful.

I rarely, if ever, write about anything political here on my blog. It's not that I don't have opinions about things that go on in the world, it's just that this doesn't seem to be the place to "air" that sort of thing. I really like keeping my blog as a personal, intimate sort of journal....yeah yeah...I know....it's personal and intimate and yet the world wide web gets to take a peek at it! Makes no sense, yet it's the truth.

I say all that to let you guys know that I'm going to be writing with a more "political" slant over at Ex-Gay Watch. I've been invited to be a contributing author there because they don't have anyone with my particular "voice" and they think my perspective will be beneficial. It's quite an honor for me to be asked. Ex-Gay Watch, as the name implies, is a blog focusing on news and information pertaining to the ex-gay movement and particularly the anti-gay stance that much of the ex-gay movement seems to take so much of the time. The readers of my blog who have a big interest in the goings-on at Ex-Gay Watch probably already read there. But, if you've not heard of it and care to check it out, go for it! :)

I'll update with stories from my job search when I get back to Texas. Hope all is well with all of you!

love and grace,
pam

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Spring Break

Our break officially began yesterday afternoon at the end of school. Yippee!

I'll head to Oklahoma tomorrow, ready to wake up bright and early Monday morning with my resumes, and a really good pen in hand for filling out teacher applications. If you've never seen one, let me just say, these things are monstrous. I downloaded one online and realized quickly that should I continue doing so, with even just another school district or two, I'd need to head to Walmart for more printer paper.

It's been 19 years since I've done anything like this. Oddly, I'm not the least bit nervous. I'm very excited about the new people I'm going to meet, and the new stories I'm going to have to tell my friends when I get back. I love telling stories with friends. I'm not really expecting to get any interviews this early in the game. Most districts want your application and resume' on file with personnel before they'll barely shake your hand or allow you to introduce yourself. Unless that's just a Texas thing. We'll see.

Prayers are appreciated and updates will be forthcoming!

love and grace,
pam

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New Friend

I've added a new blogging friend to my links...just FYI. His name is Chris and he's the new youth minister at our church. He's one of the things I regret about our move because I know Drew would flourish under his spiritual direction (added to my own, of course! ;) That's mostly a reminder to him that I understand his primary role is not to "save" our kids....some parents seem to take that stance with youth minister. *geez* So much to complain about and I certainly didn't intend this to turn into that. Anyway, check him out for a refreshing look at a really young guy getting his feet REALLY wet here in Granbury.

love and grace,
pam


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The Choice

My heart is a bit heavy today. Heavy with a mixture of joy and sorrow sort of swirling together the way I stir my chocolate syrup into my ice cream. It's a good thing. Sorrow can be good, you know. So healing and cleansing.

A young couple who are so very dear to me (and once to tdub) are getting married today. I was supposed to help with many of the wedding preparations this week but a stomach flu has had me down and out of school for the past three days. It may have been God's way, for as the time draws closer to the wedding I feel my heart rising. It is at my throat now and I imagine it will be raining from my eyes as I watch what is sure to be one of the most beautiful ceremonies ever conducted in our church building this evening.

But it won't be the creative and unique ways in which I'm certain the church will be decorated; it won't be the bride's dress, although I can't WAIT to see it; the wedding cake assembled from petit fours in a way we've never seen or imagined; or even the giant white Chinese lanterns that will transform a gymnasium into a ballroom fit enough for Cinderella: these things will serve their purpose and provide the setting for the magic and the memory that will sweeten over time and across distance as the happy twosome begin their new life together in California.

It's the choice. The choice they are making to love one another. Come what may. They will wake up every day, and again, choose to love. And, when it's most difficult, when they don't feel like it, don't want to, and are at a point where it seems like it just doesn't matter and there's really no reason to care; they will choose, again, to love. It's not a human sort of thing to do. To love this way. Many do it, and continue to do it, who've never cracked a Bible or professed a belief in either God or Christ. And yet, this is the most Christ-like thing of all. To keep loving. To give until there is nothing left, and then give some more.

I have no idea how folks who don't profess Christ do it. I do know, that for the Christian, this sort of love comes from knowing that you are valuable to God. And because you are valuable to him, and lovely and loveable to him, it is possible to continue to choose to love others, and particularly your mate. Come what may.

Love is a choice.

pam
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