Tuesday, July 08, 2008

My funeral

First of all, I want to make it clear this is kurt_t, occasional guest blogger, not Pam (AKA "Grace"). I know how easy it is to get confused about that. Just remember kurt_t is the gay quasi-Catholic cat person. Pam is the gay-friendly crypto-Orthodox dog person.

Now, about my funeral. First of all, I am from San Francisco, and in San Francisco, they are very particular about the disposition of one's earthly remains. Nearly all the City's dead people, including such luminaries as Emperor Norton I, were dug up and moved to south to Colma in the 1930s due to the scarcity of land. (San Francisco, bordered on 3 sides by water, is only 7 miles square.)

Now one thing I love about the Catholic Church is you're allowed to choose your own readings and music for your funeral mass. For my Old Testament reading, I've decided on the Prayer of Jonah. That's right after Jonah's been swallowed by Troutzilla, and he's trying to bargain his way out of it. That is so much my spiritual life right there. It always reminds me of the time I went on the death-defying Giant Dipper roller coaster in Santa Cruz which I'd promised my Mom I don't know how many times I would never do. And I thought for sure I was gonna die. I kept saying "Just get me through this one, Lord. I'll go start an orphanage in Calcutta!"

And then after my funeral I want my friends to sneak out to Sloat Boulevard and the Great Highway in the middle of the night and scatter my ashes under the Doggie Diner head.

Great plan, right? People will always know where to find my final resting place. I mean, you can see the Doggie Diner head from blocks away. And there's always parking out there.

Well, then I'm at Mass last Saturday night, and they have these brochures on a table by the door, and I pick one up as I'm leaving Mass, and it's a brochure from Catholic Cemeteries of America, and it's all about how you're not allowed to scatter your ashes. Or even keep them in your house! You have to deliver them to nearest Catholic Cemetery so they can be reverently stowed away.

I can't win for losing here!

So now I'm thinking if I can't be scattered I at least want a Doggie Diner head on my tombstone. I'm gonna call Holy Cross in Colma and ask them what's their height limit.
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Kat said...

Hey Kurt, if your friends are sneaky, they can likely place your ashes under the Doggie without anyone knowing! Also, that part about not keeping ashes at home.....well, let's just say that someone VERY close to me has the ashes of both parents at her home, waiting for the perfect place to scatter the ashes.

Other than that I pray that you aren't reduced to ashes any time soon!

Anonymous said...

What exactly inspired you to write about this topic anyway? Are you making final arrangements at the moment? (Perhaps it's a part of the adoption process?)

At least you're allowed to be cremated. I believe some denominations are opposed to cremation altogether.

grace said...

this post had me chuckling out loud on a day i needed a good chuckle! thanks! I'm also greatly relieved to finally know what to call myself religiously....crypto-orthodox. Can't wait to use that on in a converstion!

grace said...

oh...by the way...

i get dibs on your map of the USA jello mold...

Robert said...

Ah Colma . . . Land of my forefathers.

I'm willing to bet you Kurt that if someone has not already put up a doggy diner headstone, that yours will be in good company among the more unusual grave markers there.

P.S. -- Hi Grace! See -- I am still around. ;-D

kurt_t said...

No, seithman, no immediate need for funeral arrangements right now. I just don't believe in waiting till the last minute. I actually admire people who have their tombstones pre-carved and set in place, waiting only for the final four digits.

Pam, send me your new address, and I'll send you the Jell-O mold now. Next 4th of July, I want to move on to a more challenging Jell-O mold. Like Independence Hall or the Liberty Bell or something.