Hayden slept soundly all the way to the meeting point and we hugged good-bye without much fanfare. It's always bittersweet to say goodbye. The heartache came later after I arrived back home. Hayden sent me a text saying, "I miss you being my mom all the time." And my heart just broke in two. Again. And yet, there's a huge amount of joy contained in that message. The part that says "you being my mom" fills me with such gladness.
This is the part of the whole ordeal that could cause me to become angry and bitter if I'd let it. I've been asked before, "when are you going to get mad about all this?" And while I admit to bouts of anger now and then,(a few select friends have seen flashes of it) I simply choose not to live in that place. It's not productive. The thing is this; wallowing in anger and becoming bitter at Todd for breaking up our family and ultimately leaving Hayden at a point where he ends up sending that heartbreaking message he sent yesterday, doesn't do anyone any good. The only thing there is time to do is to get back up, brush myself off, and get on with loving those who are dear to me. I believe with all that's in me that the very best thing I can do for Zach and Hayden is to continue to love and honor their dad as my friend. This honors THEM. It may not be something that they can verbalize at this point, but it's a very real and integral piece of the commitment I made to them when I married their dad in the first place.
And so, I'm going to focus on the joy in Hayden's message. Sure, it hurts. It hurts like heck, actually. But I can turn that hurt on it's head, very much the way Christ did when he gave his life for me, and experience pure joy. Heartache and joy. 'Tis the stuff of life.
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