Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Heartache and Joy

Hayden (tdub's youngest) spent about 10 days with Drew and me in Sulphur, and I took him back - meeting halfway - yesterday. The night before Hayden's departure he and Drew pulled an all-nighter. One final, brotherly "last hurrah" before parting ways for another stretch of months. I'm sure they completed at least one task that I likely won't hear about until they're in their twenties. They are just now starting to reveal some of the incidents that occurred when we were all together in the crooked old house. One of those stories involves a police dog who peed on one of them as they hid behind a tree. Quite the "near miss" wouldn't you say?

Hayden slept soundly all the way to the meeting point and we hugged good-bye without much fanfare. It's always bittersweet to say goodbye. The heartache came later after I arrived back home. Hayden sent me a text saying, "I miss you being my mom all the time." And my heart just broke in two. Again. And yet, there's a huge amount of joy contained in that message. The part that says "you being my mom" fills me with such gladness.

This is the part of the whole ordeal that could cause me to become angry and bitter if I'd let it. I've been asked before, "when are you going to get mad about all this?" And while I admit to bouts of anger now and then,(a few select friends have seen flashes of it) I simply choose not to live in that place. It's not productive. The thing is this; wallowing in anger and becoming bitter at Todd for breaking up our family and ultimately leaving Hayden at a point where he ends up sending that heartbreaking message he sent yesterday, doesn't do anyone any good. The only thing there is time to do is to get back up, brush myself off, and get on with loving those who are dear to me. I believe with all that's in me that the very best thing I can do for Zach and Hayden is to continue to love and honor their dad as my friend. This honors THEM. It may not be something that they can verbalize at this point, but it's a very real and integral piece of the commitment I made to them when I married their dad in the first place.

And so, I'm going to focus on the joy in Hayden's message. Sure, it hurts. It hurts like heck, actually. But I can turn that hurt on it's head, very much the way Christ did when he gave his life for me, and experience pure joy. Heartache and joy. 'Tis the stuff of life.

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Anonymous said...

Hayden sounds like such a sweet boy.

-- Jarred.

grace said...

yep...he is Jarred. He's got the heart of a lion.

Iain said...

Agreed. It was both a beautiful and incredibly sad thing to happen, all rolled into one.

It kind of broke my heart to read your post as well; but also you can take joy in the fact that you are loved and appreciated.

Jim said...

This blog post was a hard one to read...I have so enjoyed reading your perspective and at the same time it brings me such pain as I see these things in my future as well. Thanks for keeping your perspective and focus on things other than the negative side of this continue to give me hope in my own journey. I, too, will pray for you as you seek wherever God may be in your path.