And I, in my "gracefulness" have made an idiot of myself by calling out a brother in public for an offense that should have been dealt with privately if I were going to deal with it at all. In which case, the brother is exactly right, "a blog is not a good place to heal."
So, JB, I'm sorry. And I don't mean just a little bit. I mean that I'm crying as I think about it and I feel sick inside for not extending to you at least the same length of grace that's so graciously been extended to me. I screwed up. Big time. I'm sorry.
And maybe I don't really think it SHOULD take longer for the rest of you to heal than it has for me, but you know what, it's not my place to lawd over you guys, "hey, look at me, I'm all cool with Todd...what the heck is wrong with you people?" That's just silly and wrong. The root of the issue I have with all of it comes down to the boys. One of the reasons I had to "get with the program" so to speak was for them. I love Zach and Hayden and I love their dad if for no other reason than because I love them. And I was just hoping that a few more than what have seemed to have done that could belly up that wad of gunk in their stomach and take one for those boys the way I have. But you know what....it's okay. It is.
This is all very tough for ALL of us. And yeah...it's particularly difficult for me to see other people JUST NOW beginning to deal with this stuff and only because Todd is becoming public with his story. And I hope and pray that people aren't just being defensive when they go over there and read his stuff....thinking he's going to start bashing the church that picked him up from the BASEMENT of life many times over during the course of just the years I was married to him.
One of our young friends, a different Ashley than the one involved in the little blog drama, suggested to me privately that it may have been better if Todd had remained anonymous until he sort of had his "blog legs". And when I first read that suggestion I was like "what? That only reaffirms the very issues he's having right now. He shouldn't HAVE to be anonymous, he should tell his story and they should just be able to finally LISTEN to what the guy has to say." And then I realized, about the same time I realized what a jerk I'd been to JB, DUH, PAM, you were anonymous for a long time and didn't even tell Todd about your blog at all until you'd written enough copy to give him a picture of what you were all about with the thing. I was really worried that he'd think I was going to write a "let's b*tch, moan, and whine" sort of blog about being married to an SSA struggler. So, again, I'm wrong because I'm listening with something other than my ears of grace. I'm listening with those ears that tend to form knee-jerk reactions to things and that also tend to get me into all sorts of trouble where I end up needing to make public apologies.
At this point, I believe Todd (weird to write his actual name here) should move forward with the blog as is. He's probably going to say some things that will make "the church" cringe, but it's not because he's set up some sort of vendetta over there. Not at all. The guy is just trying to work through this stuff. Just like I did.
And....not only do I apologize to JB, I promise from here on out not to go over there like some rabid mama bear and lay into any of you who decide to comment. I promise. After all, it is HIS blog and not my place to really get into it.
And Todd. I'm so proud of you for coming "out" again. I promise you'll be better for it. Because even though a blog really may not be the absolute best place to heal....it's what we've got. And I'm proud of you for taking the talents God has given you and using them to help yourself and others. Blog on, brother.
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