Sunday, April 29, 2007

State of the No Longer Union

I'm ready for the end of the school year. I'm longing for more slow mornings to read and write and think. I've come to cherish all this time alone that I'm getting to just do and be whatever I want. I guess I'm saying that I'm learning to enjoy being single again. I think the perfect work week schedule for me would be to get up every morning about 8:30, drink some coffee, read, write, pray, and meditate until about 11:30, eat a bit of lunch, go and teach a few classes of middle-schoolers, then come home, read a bit more or maybe exercise a little, play with Sparky, have dinner with Drew and whatever other boys are around, catch up with them, watch a movie or DVD of a good sitcom, then go to sleep. Of course that's completely unrealistic since I'd need at least 1 person on staff, even at my tiny duplex, to pull that off and keep everything paid-up, cleaned, fed, and maintained. But, I can dream.

I say all that to say, things are good with me. I'm still working through the pain but the times when I get stopped dead in my tracks and burst into tears are becoming fewer and farther between. It's been weird to find out what sorts of things have been the tipping point for that occurrence. A certain four-way stop, a wait at a fast-food drive-thru, and of course, the ever-popular particular song on the radio. I'm not certain if the fact that it usually happens in the car says more about our habits as a couple or just the fact that I'm out and about, interacting with the same world we interacted with together. Church activities are also particularly difficult and I've been dealing with that by not participating all that much. I justify that with the knowledge that I'm about to move and I'll soon begin the task of establishing a new church home. Probably not the greatest of excuses but it's working for me right now.

Thanks for checking in. Please say a prayer or two for Tdub if you read this within the week. He is in LA right now seeing his biological mother for the last time. Her death is eminent from a very swift acting cancer that overtook her just months ago. I have all the boys with me until he returns.

love and grace,

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Sunday, April 22, 2007


The good news is, despite the divorce, the four boys continue to function as brothers.

The bad news: while Mom is out of town, teen-age boys tend to be teen-age boys.

All four of them are teenagers at this particular moment in time. This will continue to be official until the middle of June when Daniel turns 20. Drew turned 13 about four weeks ago. While I was out-of-town Friday night, Daniel assisted #2, who'd turned 16 that day, by "hosting" an impromptu party for his brother here at my apartment. I'm positive it was the sort of party that wouldn't have occurred if I'd been home. They did a relatively decent job of cleaning up. In fact, they cleaned up so well, I'm even more suspicious about the sorts of things that must have occurred. The most obvious and negative after-effect left behind from the party is the faint smell of smoke hovering in the air. Of course, according to the boys, none of them were smoking. I'm supposed to believe that. Whatever. Drew wasn't actually here during the party. He'd have been on the phone, calling either me or 911 if he'd been here, which is the reason he wasn't invited, I'm sure.

In spite of the lingering smoke odor and the mysterious mound of wet towels in the laundry basket, I've encountered one very positive outcome from the imagined free-for-all that occurred here Friday night. The refrigerator was entirely void of food. And drink for that matter. I was able to give the fridge a good wiping down before going to the store to restock. Typically, I'd have to spend a good 45 minutes cleaning out the old food and emptying containers into the trash. Not so today. It was ALL gone: every last rubbermade container of mystery leftover, all the little-bit-left bags of grated cheese, the corn tortillas that didn't make it into enchilada casserole, even the 1/4 stick of butter I didn't need for last week's cherry cobbler. Gone. The fridge looked like a swarm of locusts wearing tiny little locust sweaters had swept through its interior.

I'm relieved and comforted by the fact that the boys learned how to be brothers during the time Tdub and I were married. I'm particularly proud of Daniel, as the oldest, for making the efforts he's making now to be a big brother who calls the younger boys, checks on them, and basically has initiated the continuity in the relationship they all have with one another. I'm reminded, again, that good things emerge from bad. As a follower of Christ I give him the credit, for all of it. Even when there's a lingering smoke-like odor. *sigh*

love and grace,

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Who Are You????

Someone keeps reading my blog from my hometown. I'm dying to know who you are. I don't think you are my parents because you arrive here from XGW and I'm pretty sure they don't read that site. ;) I could be wrong.

Email me. Come forth! Pretty please???

I'm off to Oklahoma for the weekend to take the state certification test for high school journalism. I've been studying for it and loving it. I have a renewed sense of the importance of a free press in our country, even if we are often frustrated by some of the things that go on there. One man, began printing the truth about the government, was found innocent of libel by a jury of his peers, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Have a great weekend!
love and grace,
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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Random Thinking Blogs

Jay awarded me The Thinking Blog Award. Thanks Jay!

I'm supposed to pass on some sites that make me think, so I'm going to take this opportunity to share a few sites I enjoy. These sites make me laugh which means they activate humorous thoughts. So, yeah, they make me think. And they're just fun to read.

Geese Aplenty
I don't know who this guy is, but he posts about once a week and I think he's hilarious.

Very sweet stories, sometimes a bit loose with her language, and super funny.

How Not-to Guide to Parenting and Marriage
This guy hardly ever posts anymore, but every time he does, I love it.

Things are going well here. Next week will be the beginning of our last six weeks of school. I haven't heard anything yet in regards to prospects for a teaching job in Oklahoma, but it's early yet for schools to be hiring for next year. I will travel to OKC next weekend to take the OK state certification test for high school journalism. I've been studying. My current Texas certifications will transfer with some necessary paperwork turned in for approval with the state board there.
I'm VERY MUCH looking forward to making a fresh start in a new place. There's no way to move forward here. For example, every time I go to Walmart or a grocery store I see at LEAST two people I've not seen in a while. They give me hugs and want to know how everyone is doing. It's wonderful to have so much love and support in the community, but I can't move forward as long as I have to keep catching everyone up.

Hope all is well with all of you!

love and grace,

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Lots o' Links

A new website called, Beyond Ex-Gay launched last week. My friends, Peterson and Christine, who have coined the term "ex-gay survivor" created the site. It's visually beautiful thanks to Christine's graphic design skills, full of intriguing information thanks to Peterson's word smithing, and technically sound because of the efforts of Steve Boese.

My narrative appears on the site along with others who've been touched (yes, negatively) as a result of their ex-gay experiences.

With all my heart I believe that ALL things work together for GOOD to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. That being the case, even though the personal experiences I've had in the ex-gay realm have resulted in pain, I can still say that it was good. I'm thankful for having gone through it. I am able to joy in that suffering (most of the time). My particular narrative at Beyond Ex-gay doesn't mention the ex-gay movement in particular, although I do have many qualms with its methods, idealogies, marketing strategies and political activism.

(I started this post over a week ago. It's been crazy. Since that time, there's been an biographical article about Christine published in Glamour magazine. It appears in the May edition and also in this online version.)

I've had one commenting friend who did express some concern via email (which I'm grateful for...I want that sort of input) over my participation in the Beyond Ex-Gay venture because it might appear by participating there that I am against ex-gay ministries in general. The thing is this; I believe in telling our stories as honestly as possible. Beyond Ex-Gay is a perfect fit for my story, not because I have any beef in particular with any ex-gay ministry. Not at all. In fact, I support any individual's self-determination to pursue change in their same sex attractions. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; if it had been up to me, I'd still be married to a "struggler" right now. There were many positive aspects to our marriage and we made a great family. But, it turned out differently, and I'm going to continue to find God's purpose and tell my story. It's the only one I have.

love and grace,

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