Thursday, May 17, 2007

Tough Week

It's been a tough week for me. I haven't shared many details surrounding Tdub's departure, and that's not my intention. However, my details are affected by his details until I get completely past all this, or at least far enough that I don't still become fraught with emotion over it at the drop of a hat.

Tdub's new partner is moving here, and they are buying a house in the development where I owned a house before Tdub and I married and moved into town. It's a pretty tough blow for me. If you've read the blog much, you know that while I enjoyed many aspects of living in the old house that needed complete renovation, I was becoming weary of it. The emotions of it are compounded by the fact that, at the time we married, Tdub was adamant about not living in the particular development (it's quite nice) where I already owned a home. And yes, I did enjoy living in town as well because of the easy access to the schools and such. This is still a pretty major kick in the gut for me. And it's one of the primary reasons I'm so determined to move away from this community. I just need a fresh start, away from the reminders of the past, least of all having Tdub's continued journey passing to and fro in front of me from time to time.

I can't even write about it here without breaking down. I guess, this is the final blow in just how OVER, it all is. I'd invested a great deal of myself into the marriage. I recognize it more when this sort of thing seems to hurl itself into my face. I don't believe that's his intent, but it couldn't be more hurtful even if it were. I may write more about it later. I've hesitated to write about this sort of thing, but it's time. I can't divert forever with pictures of my darling dachshunds!

love and grace,
pam

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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. I, too, divert alot of converstaion to my cats when my heart goes out to you. There should be some sort of Karmic Marker or Boundary Buffer that people can't cross just because it's uncool - intentional or not.

Anonymous said...

I deleted a whole section there- divert conversation to my cats when forgetting or avoiding is so much eaiser. But my heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

Pam,
My husband is still trying to figure out what to do. He sees that the gay lifestyle can be superficial and that there will be times of struggle there too. He started a relationship with a young man 14 years younger, last fall and kept coming home and leaving and coming back, well, I finally told him he can't be at home and being with someone else. I am more upset about him committing adultery vs. who he is doing it with. I understand your sadness and feel like I would have to move away too if it ended. It would just be too painful to see him with someone else. I love my husband.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Pam.... why do they always do things with another partner that they previously wouldn't do with you? Nothing sucks the air out of you faster than seeing one you loved doing ________(x,y,or z), being open-minded or fulfilling one of your "dreams" with someone else. I hear your pain and I'm sorry.

Thankfully, the story is far from over and God has so much in store for you, eventhough it looks the way it does right now. You are loved and thought of.

Becky

grace said...

Becky,
I'm sorry for your pain as well, and thanks so much for your encouragement. One thing I have a bit of a difference with you on, because I know of some gays who do not participate in the imaginary "gay lifestyle" is this; it's just a sinful lifestyle and lots of heterosexuals participate in it as well. Our sorts of stories could be told with the exact same situations occurring and it could be heterosexual. It's just that heterosexuality is not "lumped" into one bad "lifestyle". I understand what you meant and what you are saying (i'm assuming I do) but there are readers here who don't participate in that "lifestyle" you speak of, and they are constantly engaging the question of what it looks like to be gay and Christian. Promiscuity, leaving your wife and shacking up with your children and a lover, etc., are not just gay behaviors. They are sinful behaviors and people all over the world bear the consequences of those bad choices. My conversations with Tdub since the divorce, have often centered around absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he's gay, but everything to do with how unfaithfully he's living according to being faithful in God's kingdom. He has no answers for that question right now, but I'm certain he will begin to discover them as time goes on. I still pray for him.

It just freakin' hurts! And you know that. Thanks for engaging in this conversation here with me! I very much appreciate your input.

love and grace,
pam

Norm! said...

I read your post the other day, but didn't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I can't pretend that I even remotely know what you're going through because I haven't experienced anything like that.

I do sympathize that your ex- seems to be diving into his new identity while you're left to deal with the consequences of his decision and mourn what was lost. Your true grace in dealing with this is inspirational. I don't think I could handle it as well as you are.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[BTW, I love your new Sparky template.]

Christine Bakke said...

Pam, I don't have a lot of words, just holding you in my thoughts and wishing I had a heart-shaped rock I could send you.

grace said...

Norm! and Christine: Your words are like a healing salve. Thank you.

love and grace,
pam

Bill said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am still here, Pam. I'm praying for you and your strength to live victoriously in spite of these gut punches.

God bless you, dear sister.

-bill

Anonymous said...

Pam,
I pray that all goes well for you today. I watch my husband struggle with his desire to be with a man and follow God's will and it makes me so sad. I am scared he will want to end our marriage and I can't imagine my life without him. Our church does not deal with this issue and of course so many as see it as a BIG sin. To me it is just one more and one that effects my marriage. Thank you for your blog and your grace.

grace said...

Bill: Thank you brother. I do value your prayers and encouraging spirit.

Anonymous: My heart goes out to you. I understand the feelings that haunt you. Don't allow yourself to live in "hell" here on earth....look to Jesus ...trust in Him, come what may, even as you are now....live in God's Kingdom COME and allow Him to fill up those gaping holes left by your shattered dreams. You obviously live with a will toward grace just as I have done. I'll be praying for you.

love love love,
pam