Thursday, January 11, 2007

Grief

Grief is an insidious monster. He hides away, lurking, waiting. He has an arsenal of tools. Most of them look and feel like healthy activities. Maybe they are. I know he's a "necessary evil", and yet, I loathe him. I want him gone. I want to run away very far sometimes, so that he can't catch me, can't find me. I want him to disappear. He has no mercy, no compassion, just reminders of hurt, pain, past joy, past victory. He turns all the bad and all the good into something very very difficult face. And so, in Grief's world, I am faced with a choice, again and again. Over and over. What are you going to do now? How do you feel about God NOW? Try this on for size. I hate him.

He attacked me last night during the middle of a simple song that I was singing with the 3-yr-olds in their Bible class. Working in the Children's Ministry, singing, playing with kids, this was something I'm used to doing with a partner, as a team.

And so now, boys and girls, do I still believe those words. Is my God really so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY? Is there really nothing my God cannot do? Yes, the mountains are his, the valleys are his, and the seas are his handiwork too. But.....IS HE so BIG, so STRONG and so MIGHTY. Is there really NOTHING that he can't do?????

And then, on the drive home, my big, strong, mighty God.....gave me this verse. He didn't speak it out loud, but he did directly speak it to my mind, my heart.

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5

Grief is a scary monster. But he's not God.

love and grace,
pam



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11 comments:

Jessica said...

Hi Grace...

Here's my comment on your blog. :D Sorry I haven't commented before now, but please know that I have prayed for you over the past few months.

-Jessica

FeatherIron said...

I love that Pam!! You made me cry!

Norm! said...

Wow. I really do appreciate your ability to poetically express your feelings and thoughts. Thanks for sharing what you're going through.

Bill said...

God bless you, dear sister. You are precious to the Lord. He loves you with a love that will not fail. His Spirit lives in you, marking you as His own and giving you the assurance that every promise ever spoken by God will be honored by God. You are in my prayers!

Now, there are some questions that should never be answered! This may be one of them. I'll risk it, though.

Yes. There is NOTHING our God cannot do. But, God has chosen not to do some things in order to give us the privilege of free moral agency. Thus, God is honored when we choose to love and obey Him. Thus, our sins are covered when we choose to trust God to save us from our sins through the cleansing power of the blood of Christ.

Blessings to you,
-bill

Steve Boese said...

Hugs, sweet friend.

grace said...

Jessica: AWW...thanks! :) You're awesome. Really. Comment more often, please! I'd love your input!

Carole: Touching the hearts of others, particularly those we've never officially "met" is what makes writing so powerful, isn't it? Thanks for your affirmation!

Norm!: I'm still praying for you. And thanks for that sweet compliment and encouragement. Let me/us know how you are doing.

Bill: I need those prayers. And I can't begin to tell you what your support and encouragement has meant to me....this particular situation...my questions...my doubts....my working through it all...could easily distance the "mainliners" from me...and yet you continue to reach out. You show me Christ in the way I seek to portray Christ to others.

Steve: I'm hugging you right back.
:)

love and grace,
pam

Robert said...

Hey Pam,

How is it going? I am sort of reading between the lines again, but it seems like you are about to make some important, far reaching choices. Fear likes to hang around with Grief -- and Fear sure likes to bend one's ear. Hope you are doing better.

Sending love and good thoughts your way,

Robert

grace said...

Robert,
Yes....as usual you are one of the most astute readers here! ;)

so...just say it...cause i'm not being so "astute" myself right now...

what are you saying here??? What does it seem like i'm afraid of????
tell me....darn it....tell me....

uh....or...maybe....that's your point?

hmmmm....i'll try to respond rather tahn react....and be proactive and not reactive....

is that where you are going with this????

Robert said...

Yeah,

I do not know all of the details, but I can sense the tenor of things. Divorce, and everything that entails, is enough to bring sadness and anxiety to anyone. I am sure that has a lot to do with what is going on, but I sense from your prior postings that there are other things going on as well that are causing a heavy heart and a real evaluation of where you are in life right now. I am sure you know on one level that these things are temporary and will pass, but you also have to sit down with yourself and come to some important decisions -- and some of those decisions do not appear to be empowering you right now. This is where Grief and Fear are having a hoedown in your head.


Anyhow, look at me. Once I sounded like Depak Chopra, and now I sound like John Edwards (except for that last sentence ;-D).

grace said...

Robert,
What a fitting visual...the Grief and Fear hoedown. And here I am; allergic to hay, can't stand country music, and don't have a thing that looks good with cowboy boots. Yee Haw.

You're right. I think I'll detail some of it in my next post. Need to "get it out".

Thanks for the kick in the proverbial hiney. Do you have any idea how long these stupid hoedowns last?? ;)

pam

Joe said...

I hope it all gets easier for you sometime soon Grace. And I bet you are spending every moment making sure your boys aren't troubled by all the changes at home. Hugs.

Joe