Sunday, January 21, 2007

Decisions and Process

The divorce will be final on Friday. Crazy, huh? It's all happened to so quickly.

The pain of this process escapes words right now. I'm hoping at some point I'll be able to describe it adequately. For some reason, though, I believe I need to get a bit further down the road before I'll be completely capable of doing that. I need to be able to look back on it a bit with a level of objectivity that time and possibly even physical distance will provide.

The problem for me, at this point, seems to be that while Tdub and I each struggled with things in our own way, there were many aspects of relationship and marriage that we did get right. We did share our day-to-day lives with one another. We did care and we did talk to one another about the things that went on in the individual parts of our day. And, outside of our jobs, we made every effort to partner up on endeavors that took a great deal of time. We didn't have separate interests or projects that we worked on. We did things together. Most of our friends were friends with both of us. We didn't maintain individual sets, at least not any that got a great deal of our time.

What's happening for me now, is that some time has passed and I've been attempting to continue to work, serve, and participate in the same things that Tdub and I always did together. And it's incredibly painful. Every time. What do I do with that? Do I PLOW forward and WORK THROUGH IT? Does enough time pass to numb the pain of that loss? I'm sure, at some point, it will get easier. Surely. My gifts, talents, and abilities haven't changed just because I'm no longer doing these things with a partner.

Here's what I want to do. I want to move away. I want to be in a new place. I want to continue to serve in the same ways I've been serving but not be reminded at every turn of the loss of that partnership. I want to figure out who I am without Tdub and without the "baggage" of that relationship being visible to everyone around me. I mean, yeah, the baggage is there and I'm the only one who can process through it and lighten it's load, but does everyone I know have to be so aware of it? It does matter. People do respond differently to you when you're burdened down as I have been. And I do thank God for that, particularly in the initial time.

But how do I move on? How do I get past it? It seems to me that there are youth groups all over the country I could work with, and I guarantee you they have the very same kids in them that I'm used to working with here. Every church has youth and children's ministries. I can serve in these same ways anywhere.

This is the sort of conversation I'm having with God right now. And he has been speaking. I have been hearing him. The truth of the matter is, it's risky either way. And so, I'm doubting what I'm hearing. Pray for clarity and for wisdom for me. God is faithful. Come what may.

love and grace,

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Robert said...


Tdub and the two boys in the middle will always be around. I really mourned the ending of my LTR, and yet it never really cleanly ended. Some people can split their property, friends, family, and activities up expeditiously. That did not happen to me, and I do not think it will happen to you, even if you were to move away (although you would be welcome wherever you might go).

I do know that time will make this better. Both you and Tdub are by nature constructive people, and I think you will come to a place where you can enjoy each other, even if things feel akward and hurtful at times.

I will send a prayer out that clarity comes your way!

Anonymous said...

Hi Pam,

I know that moving away to a new community never really takes care of the reminders. For my own journey, staying in the game in town has helped me tremendously see my own growth and the trials and tribulations of all people and families. Just today, I went to a funeral and spoke with friends from 30 years past, and it was great to go over our stories from then until now. WOW!! We are all just doing what we do and keeping the faith.

Hang in there sister.


Norm! said...

Wow, the divorce date must be surreal. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it to you, but your statement seems to be the very example of clarity and wisdom. It sounds like you've already decided on relocating and you have seem to have made a reasonable decision. I think you know that relocating is not the magic solution and the baggage will not instantly disappear.

I'm not sure if you live in a large metro area, but I've found even just moving to other side of a city can significantly change one's perspective. But I understand that you want to closer to family.

You're in my thoughts,


Timothy Kincaid said...

Pam, I know that it can be a relief not to be constantly reminded. But please be careful that wherever you go you have a good support network. There is nothing that can replace the ability to sit down over coffee and look someone in the face and know they are there for you.

grace said...

Thanks all of you. I DO need to hear these voices. There are some "extenuating" circumstances that I haven't blogged about out of respect for Tdub and his privacy. (not to mention the boys) The good news is this. Among my most trusted "in-person", as opposed to virtual, friends, I've been hearing all these same bits of advice/comfort/encouragement. I say that to point out the quality of friends that I've made online here....with no regard to gender or sexual orientation. Pretty cool.

Without exception, each of my "in physical person" friends who know more of the details, have been not only understanding but even supportive of the decision to move. I've really only allowed myself to blog about it at a surface level.

I guess I want you all to know that you bless me, and that your words, and the fact that you take the time to respond at all, are such an encouragement to me in and of themselves.

God is faithful.

love and grace,

p.s. Mary...not sure how you stumbled about here but I'm glad you did! :)

Steve Boese said...

I remember, so well, that period of time when all of a sudden everything was changing so fast, and the simplest assumptions about the marriage and the quality of what we were together no longer held true.

When it became clear that there was no alternative to accepting the new version of reality, I had this thought about wading slowly through the much and the mud and eventually returning to being the guy I'd been at the start.

For a long time, I wanted to believe that the experience wouldn't really change me. Moving forward, though, eventually required me to admit that all of the craziness had changed me in some ways.

So, for me it becomes about adapting to the me of today instead of resurrecting 100% of the me of yesterday.

I wish you wellness and peace, healthy processing and helpful insights, on the journey.

em said...

Just promise that if you move, you move somewhere cool so I can have fun when I come to visit! ;-)

I trust that this is all going to work out well... I think you handle pressures in life better than most anyone I know! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

grace said...

Steve: What you said completely resonates with me. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

And Em: Well....I knew all this was really "all about you"! ha! I'll download the restaurant guides for all the areas I'm considering and let you pick, how's that???? As for me, put me in the vicinty of a Central Market and a Target....and I'm good.

handling pressure....well...i've got some good meds (go the cymbalta!) hahahahahaha!

At least I've got your committment for one visit out of this post.


greg said...

hi, pam!

it's so funny to me because i first met you as "pam" but when i think of you now in my head i call you "grace". i think that's because you live a life of active grace - it's alive and not passive. that's how i see you. this passage in your life is still hard for me to wrap my head and heart around. i can't even imagine your's. i do pray for direction in your life and a peace in your heart (the kind that passes all understanding) through all this messiness that is life. take care.

Bill said...

Well, Pam, I don't presume to know what you are going through. Nor do I want to minimize to heartache you are experiencing right now. What I can tell you is that I'm praying for you.

May the Lord be with you, especially as you go through your day tomorrow. I pray that you will wake up with a sense that He is near you and that you feel the comforting presence of His Holy Spirit strengthening you inwardly througout the day. I pray that God will be with your family. I pray that God will give you a sense of clarity as you walk along this rocky and unfamiliar pathway. May you know that there are many who love you...that you are loved with an unfathomable love by God, whose very essence is love.

In Jesus' name,

Jenny P said...

Thinking about you and praying for you today.

grace said...

Greg, Bill, and Jenny,

Your love and prayers mean more to me than I can express!
It will be SO sweet in the next age...won't it??? Can't wait!!