The divorce will be final on Friday. Crazy, huh? It's all happened to so quickly.
The pain of this process escapes words right now. I'm hoping at some point I'll be able to describe it adequately. For some reason, though, I believe I need to get a bit further down the road before I'll be completely capable of doing that. I need to be able to look back on it a bit with a level of objectivity that time and possibly even physical distance will provide.
The problem for me, at this point, seems to be that while Tdub and I each struggled with things in our own way, there were many aspects of relationship and marriage that we did get right. We did share our day-to-day lives with one another. We did care and we did talk to one another about the things that went on in the individual parts of our day. And, outside of our jobs, we made every effort to partner up on endeavors that took a great deal of time. We didn't have separate interests or projects that we worked on. We did things together. Most of our friends were friends with both of us. We didn't maintain individual sets, at least not any that got a great deal of our time.
What's happening for me now, is that some time has passed and I've been attempting to continue to work, serve, and participate in the same things that Tdub and I always did together. And it's incredibly painful. Every time. What do I do with that? Do I PLOW forward and WORK THROUGH IT? Does enough time pass to numb the pain of that loss? I'm sure, at some point, it will get easier. Surely. My gifts, talents, and abilities haven't changed just because I'm no longer doing these things with a partner.
Here's what I want to do. I want to move away. I want to be in a new place. I want to continue to serve in the same ways I've been serving but not be reminded at every turn of the loss of that partnership. I want to figure out who I am without Tdub and without the "baggage" of that relationship being visible to everyone around me. I mean, yeah, the baggage is there and I'm the only one who can process through it and lighten it's load, but does everyone I know have to be so aware of it? It does matter. People do respond differently to you when you're burdened down as I have been. And I do thank God for that, particularly in the initial time.
But how do I move on? How do I get past it? It seems to me that there are youth groups all over the country I could work with, and I guarantee you they have the very same kids in them that I'm used to working with here. Every church has youth and children's ministries. I can serve in these same ways anywhere.
This is the sort of conversation I'm having with God right now. And he has been speaking. I have been hearing him. The truth of the matter is, it's risky either way. And so, I'm doubting what I'm hearing. Pray for clarity and for wisdom for me. God is faithful. Come what may.
love and grace,
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