Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Yuck

I've taken a bit of a downturn.

Nothing in particular has precipitated it. I'm just low.

I mean, what if it really is ME? What if I really am totally weird and not loveable? What if I really am going to be all alone......forever.

OH woe is me. This is what I get for being so proud of the fact that I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I need to go clean up my garage. It's a mess.

love and grace,
pam

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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

". . . I mean, what if it really is ME? What if I really am totally weird and not loveable? What if I really am going to be all alone......forever. . . ."

When I read this, I LOL -- not at you, but at the absurdity of your thought. Although I don't know you outside of your blog, I can tell you are totally lovable, special, attractive, and thoughtful person. So, no, it's not you. And, no, you're not going to be alone forever. In fact, I'd bet money you'll be in a different situation within a few months.

We all have self-doubts and pity moments. It looks like you're at least aware of your own moment and have responded by proactively cleaning your garage -- which is a great way to work through the momentary yucks.

Hang in there! You've been through a lot and are entitled to wallow for a bit. I hope (and know) you'll feel better soon.

Oh, and yes, you may be weird, but I'm sure it's in a good way.

grace said...

Wow...thanks Norm!...your words and your virtual laughter really does comfort me. For real. And now...I feel really horrible for completely forgetting to add you to my blogging friends links...but I'll do that right now and assume it's okay! :)

pam

Angie said...

She *is* normal! I'm loving you more and more for the way you share (you need a pageant banner for being Miss Transparency!).

Girl, *that* post is the stanza of my life song that I had on "repeat" for several years. So, yeah... I agree that it's a normal reaction. But it sure can be damaging the longer you stay there. I don't think you will... but hopefully hearing it from me will serve as a warning to one of Satan's schemes.

I think this is a time to expect open and relentless attacks from the enemy. He's obviously not one to play fair & has hit you with some low blows. But he's such a loser. A born loser.

And you? You have experienced the rebirth of our victorious Lord! You are His, no doubt about it. And He's with us even when He's a bit hidden...

I wish I could help you clean the garage. No... really! I love to do stuff like that. I'm actually getting ready to visit a friend in Austin this weekend. To surprise her I'm giving her a mini home makeover while she's at work... and I can't wait to clean and organize her house!

I believe it's therapeutic! And I'll be cleaning for the rest of my life!

You are so loved.

Robert said...

It sounds like someone needs to go out for an ice cream cone after garage duty! ;-D

Steve Boese said...

I mean, what if it really is ME?

Hey Pam... this is the ever-present question for a guy like me whose partner (at first glance, at least) seems to have chosen suicide over continuing our relationship.

Rationally, I know Dale's suicide is not just about me.

Emotionally and spiritually, the journey that started 7 years ago when I met Dale, and has continued since his death, continuues.

I'm not presuming or assuming broader connections between you and me... just connecting with the what if it really is ME thought...

take care, sweetie...

grace said...

Angie: Thanks friend and soul sister. I read your coming our way...I guess your not going to be close to me or you'd have called/emailed. right? Darn the hugeness of this state!

Steve: The most important connection is the journey you referred to....and we're all on one. I'm blessed if you can find connections in our stories....there's GOT to be some purpose to this madness, ya know? Thanks for being there, listening, and being willing to "connect" with me.

Robert: That sounded good last night when it was 80 degrees at 10 PM. However, this being Texas, I woke up to a stiff wind and what feels like sub-zero (it's not, i'm a wimp) tempuratures this morning. Maybe I'll treat myself to hot chocolate at Starbucks.
:)

FeatherIron said...

I think what you are going through are the stages of grief. It's very normal to blame yourself at some point or another. I will pray you feel better sooner then later.Cuz' this was not your fault!

Jay said...

Hang in there Pam. In a lot of ways we're in the same boat right now, especially the whole fear of being alone thing. I don't have any advice to give you right now because I don't even know how to take care of myself half the time, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here; we're all here, and you'd best believe that all the love and grace you've given over the years will surely come back to you.

In Him,
Jay

grace said...

Carole: Yeah...this grief thing is weird. It's not as simple as move straight through the steps...some of it comes back and bites you in the hiney at the most unexpected times....I guess it's the old one step forward two steps back thing at work. This little downturn really hit me like a bolt. Thanks for reminding me that it's not me...it's easier said than done to funny "get" that...

Thank you Jay! I DO...i really DO believe in redemption...no matter what. i guess the lesson of redemption, though, wouldn't be taught at all if we didn't find ourselves in these sorts of situations that need redeeming....right? Does that make me a Calvinist or a Weslyan?? *wink* I have no idea...don't really even care! haha!!

love ya!
pam

kurt_t said...

I'm familiar with the "what if it really is ME?" internal conversation. I think it can be healthy and therapeutic in a way. It's kind of a good way to have a reductio ad absurdum argument with yourself.

I have concluded that I am in fact "totally weird," but, you know, there are ways of making weird work for you.

grace said...

Weird definitely works for you Kurt! *wink*

love ya!
pam