Monday, July 25, 2005

Wounds and Trust

The climate is reasonably settled in the household right now. One look at the list I put in my description gives you a glimpse of the multitude of issues we weather through just constantly. We all grow weary from time to time, and that's even when there's nothing "brewing", no specific trials or emotional upheavals current.

The thing I personally struggle with most often, and I guess currently since I'm thinking about it again, is this sort of mortal wound. Remember in "Lord of the Rings", how Frodo had that wound from the Wraith King, and even after things were set right in the end, it kept bothering him? It would ache and never seem to completely heal. Which seemed to be the reason he floated on off to the undying lands with Bilbo and the elves. Where's that boat when you need it?

I have forgiven my husband for breaking the trust of our marriage. And yet, it still aches sometimes that it ever even happened in the first place. That there ever was deception. Here's the kicker....and it makes me so angry with myself. He's healed to the point of being able to share his struggle with others. (not from microphone or podium or anything like that....but just with a few close friends and it's happened over the course of time and naturally in conversations) This is HUGE. This is a major turning point for someone in his position. Because hiding and deceiving people about it becomes such second nature to survival (for lots of reasons that are very understandable).

The kicker is....I am so HUMAN and weak that now, instead of being joyful over the growth he's accomplished, which ultimately benefits me more than anyone else, I am actually hurt in this twisted way because he didn't trust me enough in the beginning to share and instead decieved me. I've been instrumental (according to him) in bringing him to a place of healing....he says he wouldn't have come to this point without my support, guideance, and encouragement. And yet, I still get hurt that he chose to lie to me and cause all this pain and upheaval and basically destroy a marriage before it ever even began. And I guess it hurts because I trusted him....we'd both been through really bad first marriages, and this was supposed to be different. I knew it wasn't going to be perfect....but goodness!

I know I need to just get past it (again) but I seem to always forget how I do that. Maybe putting it on this page will help. I feel very selfish and self-absorbed right now. I hate that.

grace

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